


Welcome to my World of Truth

by pyrosgf



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Blow Jobs, Drinking, Drug use (weed), Friendship, Glamnation Tour, Hand Jobs, Kissing, M/M, Marijuana, Minor Character Death, Smoking, Touring, references to casual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:09:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 69,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrosgf/pseuds/pyrosgf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Touring is hard.  Adam Lambert is hot.  And Tommy Joe Ratliff is straight.  Maybe.  When he gets a phone call from home, things are even more confusing.  While he tries to navigate a course of love and heartache, Tommy holds onto hope that his life won't be in ruins by the end of the tour.</p><p>Many thanks to everyone who had a hand in the 7 month long journey from conception to final edit.  Thanks Scorp for the beta and to Sage, Crystal, Cameron, Lilli, and Kamaal for their input.</p><p>This story was just an infant of an idea I had when I first heard snippets of Trespassing and after a conversation with Scorp over pizza she encouraged me it was way past time to take this journey.  It turned out to be way longer than I had intended.</p><p>I hope you guys enjoy the ride as much as I did.</p><p>This work is complete.  I'll be posting six chapters today and two on Tuesdays and Fridays until it's posted in full.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a non-profit, non-commercial work of fiction using the names and likenesses of real individuals. This fictional story is not intended to imply that the events herein actually occurred, or that the attitudes or behaviors described are engaged in or condoned by the real persons whose names are used without permission.

[](http://photobucket.com/)

Banner courtesy of @Oceaneyez86 on Twitter

 

It started as a game, as fan service. Rock and roll should be tarted up. That’s what Tommy thought in the beginning, before. That was before Adam filled all the empty spaces in his life and the rollercoaster rolled from low to high, cresting only to speed down the tracks leaving his stomach somewhere in his throat. 

After the New York shows Tommy noticed a difference in his reaction to Adam’s kisses. Suddenly his entire being was wired, waiting, anticipating Fever from the minute they stepped on the stage. Then in the moments after Adam kissed him, he realized he was so focused on the phantom feeling of Adam’s lips on his own that he was playing by memory. He was so far from being in the present that when he finally returned to reality it was a fucking shock to his system. Everything seemed too loud, the lights too bright, and Adam’s voice too fucking perfect in his ears. Something tugged at his gut. The feeling was familiar, that nagging pull of a crush. And when it hit him that he was crushing on his boss, he was stunned. 

Everything came crashing down in July when he got a call from his mom saying that his dad had been hospitalized. The rush of getting back home to see his dad pushed everything else out of his mind. When he returned to the tour he was drunk, three sheets to the fucking wind when the show was over and then Adam was there. Adam was always there. Adam pulled him into his arms and he felt like he could breathe again. Like the world wasn’t burning around him. 

It lasted for all of five minutes until Tommy shoved away and rushed to the dressing room. The bathroom door was shut and there was no way he could manage to get it open before falling to his knees and vomiting until he thought his insides were going to be expelled along with the contents of his stomach. Granted the contents of his stomach had been strictly alcohol since he woke that morning. When he was down to dry heaves and the scent of alcohol and puke permeated his nose, he realized he was crying, sobbing to the point he expected to pass out. But as always, Adam was there. 

Adam pulled Tommy back to his feet and helped him over to the couch. Somewhere in the blur of wanting to die he heard Adam directing the staff that they needed someone to clean up in here. Then Adam was sitting beside him, wiping at his mouth with a napkin. Tommy whined pitifully and curled into a ball, trying his damndest to hide. Adam was having none of it and pulled him into his lap. A cold cloth materialized between Adam’s fingers and he wiped at Tommy’s face. The ache in Tommy’s chest made him desperate for something other than pain, and without permission he pressed closer to Adam. 

Adam searched his face, gaze intense, looking for something. He must’ve seen whatever he was looking for because his fingers laced through Tommy’s hair, petting him, soothing him. Tommy took the next step, one he was sure would be a mistake, but he needed it. He closed the space between them and (even after watching Tommy vomit) Adam didn’t push Tommy away when he pressed their lips together.

…

Adam held Tommy close, let Tommy take what he needed, and kept telling himself that it meant nothing. Tommy, _his Tommy,_ was hurting and was seeking comfort, nothing more. 

Of course Tommy would seek comfort in his best friend right now. He was worried about his dad and Adam knew how fucked up he had been since he’d received the call. Adam would be there for him in any capacity he needed, even if it meant lines got blurry. Because right now Adam couldn’t deny that this kiss, this moment, was exactly what he’d been hoping for. Not the situation that led up to it, of course not. But he’d had always had an inkling that Tommy leaned more towards being bisexual. This wasn’t about him though so he pushed those thoughts away, focused on pushing love and comfort into the kiss until Tommy relaxed into his arms. 

That night Tommy followed Adam onto his bus, even though all of Tommy’s things were on the band bus. It didn’t matter; Tommy knew he was welcome. Adam did raise a brow when Tommy headed straight to Adam’s room at the back of the bus, however. The dancers gave Adam a look, but he shrugged his shoulders and went after Tommy. He walked in to find Tommy stripping out of his jeans, his shirt already piled on the floor. The expanse of pale skin was shocking. Tommy was naked in Adam’s room and somehow this wasn’t how Adam had envisioned it, especially not when Tommy looked at him and all he could see was the desperately haunted look in those pretty brown eyes. 

“I can’t sleep alone, please.” Tommy’s voice was barely a whisper.

“It’s okay, get in. Let me go wash my face and I’ll come lie down with you.”

“Okay,” Tommy replied.

Adam went to the bathroom and quickly washed his hands and face. This was a tricky situation; he couldn’t let himself want this on any level other than being a friend. Still he couldn’t help but remember that it was Tommy, naked in his bed, waiting. Adam shucked off his clothes but left on his boxer briefs, knowing that crawling in bed naked would only lead his traitorous body to an inappropriate reaction. Even with the underwear, a naked Tommy would still probably cause issues. 

_Focus,_ Adam told himself. With one last deep breath, he headed back into his room and the sight of Tommy, frail and lost in his bed, made all his worries disappear. He crawled into the bed and pulled Tommy close with every intention of offering comfort and nothing more. But Tommy seemed to have other ideas, pressing into Adam, and for the second time that day they shared a kiss offstage. This one was much different from the first. Tommy was licking into Adam’s mouth, searching, for what Adam wasn’t sure, but he gave as good as he got.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy let himself drown in the feel of the kisses and pressed as close to Adam as he could without crawling inside him. It seemed all his feelings prior to finding out about his dad had only intensified when he got back. He’d never missed someone more than he had Adam. Sure, the alcohol had liberated his common sense a little, but so what? He wasn’t hurting anyone. Adam was a big boy who could say no at any time and that would be that. 

Adam wasn’t saying no, wasn’t saying anything at all; he was just making this beautiful humming noise in Tommy’s mouth. Tommy relished it. Adam was the sole flame in the midst of overwhelming darkness and so he let himself be consumed. Adam’s warmth seeped into his skin and Tommy found himself reacting in a way he never had with a man. So maybe it wasn’t just Adam’s mouth that had him contemplating breaking the line between friend and something more. They could be there for each other. It was a long, hard tour. Surely the rest of the gang had fuck buddies, and who better to fuck around with than your best friend? The logic seemed fitting to Tommy, but the nerves still settled somewhere in his gut, unsure if getting it up for your boss when you liked chicks would translate into a sex life. 

“Adam, please,” Tommy whined, and writhed against Adam’s hip. He wasn’t sure what he was asking for, but he knew Adam could give it to him, could make everything better. 

“No, Tommy Joe, you don’t know what you’re asking for,” Adam murmured. Tommy pulled away, his senses jogged, but before he could make it out of Adam’s bed Adam grabbed his hips. “Nuh uh, you aren’t running away from me,” Adam purred and yanked Tommy back until his back was pressed firmly into Adam’s chest. “I can’t give you what you want. I can’t do it because you’ve had more alcohol in your system than food today and you’re not thinking clearly. If you still want this when you’re sober, we’ll talk about it. Okay?”

Adam had this damned annoying way of being reasonable, so reasonable that Tommy knew he was fucked, because the only way he seemed to have the guts to face his feelings for Adam involved alcohol. Instead of arguing he just sighed and snuggled back into Adam’s arms, very aware of Adam’s erection pressing into his ass. When sleep slid her icy fingers along his body Tommy startled, a dream that wasn’t quite a dream jolting him out of it, his eyes darting open. He panted, his heart fluttering in panic until warm arms squeezed him and Adam’s voice sang softly in his ear until he relaxed. He was safe here. Adam wouldn’t let him fall. 

…

Adam deserved a fucking medal for telling Tommy no. He knew that Tommy was hurting, knew that he wasn’t thinking clearly and was clinging to the closest thing to him. It wasn’t anything more than filling a hole or being a rock in the middle of a rushing river. It could’ve been anyone, but Tommy was thousands of miles from his family and Adam was glad to be that person for him. Even if it meant his heart was wrenching in his chest. 

Tommy had been something more to Adam from the beginning. Ever since the auditions when he’d first heard Tommy’s nervous laughter, he’d known this boy would be his weakness. Now it was tenfold, because now he knew Tommy. Tommy had this rough exterior and soft sweet center that he only showed to those nearest him, and Adam was infatuated with the sweetness. It didn’t help that Tommy was so tactile, very much like the ‘pretty kitty’ the fans had dubbed him. Tommy had no idea what personal space meant once he considered you a friend, and Adam couldn’t count the nights he’d ended up with a very affectionate Tommy piled up in his lap. 

Adam smiled, thinking about the wicked little smile that would curl Tommy’s lips when the dancers catcalled, like it was unusual to flop down into his boss’s lap. Like Tommy was crazy for wanting someone to run their fingers through his hair. Adam didn’t think it was so crazy, but then again he’d always been the one who crawled into bed with his best friends. 

_Motherfucker!_ The word flailed through Adam’s tired mind as he held Tommy’s naked body in his arms. This was everything he wanted. He knew he was a glutton, but for just a minute he imagined what the morning would look like. Tommy sober, still wanting Adam, begging for something he’d never asked of a man before. _No Adam, stop it! You’re only going to hurt yourself in the end. You have to protect yourself. You can’t let yourself fall for the little straight boy._ Adam chided himself, but it didn’t help. Not at all, because it was too late. He was already wrapped around Tommy’s little finger. Adam groaned and cuddled Tommy closer, burying his nose in Tommy’s hair and inhaling the fading scent of shampoo laced with a hint of cigarette smoke. Tommy was lax in Adam’s arms and finally Adam gave up and let sleep take him under.


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy woke slowly. Hi brain was fuzzy for several moments and then everything came into focus. When his eyes shot open he noticed two things very quickly: a very large, freckled hand on his belly and the fact that his clothes were missing. Everything in his mind tilted on its axis from there and memories from the night before flooded in at an alarming pace. He remembered puking, Adam holding him, kissing him. Adam Lambert kissed him with vomit breath, that was something he never saw coming. The next thing that stood out clearly was being on Adam’s bus, in this very room, and stripping out of his clothing. Had he really been that drunk? The answer came with the next memory. Yes, he’d been drunk enough to make out with his boss. Drunk enough to beg Adam, but what had he been begging for? 

Tommy sighed, his thoughts hazy, almost as if his brain was trying to protect him. The harder he thought the more his head hurt, until finally the haze cleared. _Fuck!_ He had wanted Adam to fuck him. “Motherfucking fuck,” Tommy growled, low enough not to disturb Adam. From there he remembered their conversation. Adam told him to wait until he was sober and well, he was definitely sober. 

Without knowing what else to do with his whirling mind, he got up carefully and quietly made his way to the bathroom. The bus was still silent so no one would see his bare ass, not that he gave two fucks. He pissed, washed his hands, borrowed some mouthwash and splashed his face with cold water in hopes of jarring his mind back into focus. He stared at his dripping reflection for several minutes. Did he want Adam to fuck him? His gut tightened and he still couldn’t definitively answer yes or no. He wanted Adam to hold him, touch him, make him forget, but he just wasn’t sure whether he wanted full on sex with his boss. He figured if things kept moving forward as they had, that time would essentially tell him what the right decision was, and until then freaking out wasn’t going to help matters. He curled up his nose at his reflection and decided to go back to Adam. He had to see where this thing between them led. And goodness knows that he could really stand a warm cuddly Adam to make him feel better. 

…

Adam hummed softly at the feel of his bed moving. He cracked open an eye just in time to see Tommy, his sleep mussed hair and pouty lips snuggling closer. Adam smiled, still feeling sleep-hazy. The dim light casting on Tommy made him look like something right out of Adam’s dreams. He leaned forward, pecked Tommy’s lips and sighed when he felt more than saw Tommy’s smile in reply. So things were okay this morning. Even in the light of early morning Tommy was still here, which meant that Adam was more than okay. 

“Morning,” Adam whispered against Tommy’s mouth. Tommy’s reply was another kiss and Adam melted into it, enjoying the feel of Tommy’s hair between his fingers and the slightly stubbly skin on Tommy’s neck. Tommy gasped into his mouth when Adam placed his thumb on one side of Tommy’s neck and his fingers on the other. He squeezed, barely, just enough to bring Tommy’s focus to his breathing. Then he let himself drift to touch and trace Tommy’s Adam’s apple. Tommy moaned softly and Adam shuddered when Tommy grasped at his shoulder, blunt nails biting into his skin just so. 

For several long minutes Adam let himself have the fantasy. He touched and teased and took every little noise Tommy made in the kiss they shared. Everything was perfect and harmless until Adam felt Tommy’s erection pressing into his hip.


	4. Chapter 4

Tommy shivered at the feel of Adam’s fingers pressing into his neck. Tommy had always loved when Adam did that before kissing him onstage, but this was something else. Intimate, close, and so hot Tommy’s head swam with it. Several panted breaths later, Adam’s taunting hand moved lower while his tongue licked into Tommy’s mouth. Tommy wasn’t sure it was supposed to feel like this. This, whatever this was, was arousing in a way he had never experienced with another man. It was a shock to feel his dick twitching and lengthening and cozying up against Adam’s underwear, the head rubbing against the pale flesh of Adam’s stomach. Tommy dug his nails into Adam’s shoulder and for a minute just let himself feel it without any consequences. They were both consenting, sober adults, even if Tommy felt higher than he had in his entire fucking life. 

And then it really hit him that he had an erection, and his hips twitched of their own accord closer to Adam. But before he could truly comprehend, a cold bolt of fear sliced through him and Adam pulled away until their bodies were no longer touching. 

Adam’s gaze was searching and right now Tommy had no clue what was showing on his face. All he knew was that he felt dizzy and unsettled with this much space between them. 

“We can’t… we have to talk about this.” Adam’s voice was pitched low, his eyes locked on Tommy. 

“Is there really that much to say? It’s early, we’re guys, we just… got carried away,” Tommy muttered, unable to accept or deal with the crazy urges coursing through his body. 

…

Adam felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Yeah,” he said, trying his hardest to keep it together. “Maybe you should just get dressed and grab some breakfast or something. I’ll be out soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll just…” Tommy trailed off and Adam watched him get up and slip back into his clothes. Without a word Tommy exited and Adam swallowed the lump in his throat.

“Why?” he whispered to no one. 

Without another thought he reached for his phone. He quickly typed out a short message and sent it to Terrance. Terrance would make it better even if Adam wasn’t really ready to talk about it. After the show tonight they would go out, have a couple of drinks and dance. Adam definitely needed to work out some of his frustrations. He knew the way to get out of this, but his heart was already too invested. Fucking bass players, beautiful, sweet, and everything Adam wanted. _And straight, looking for an out to his pain,_ his mind helpfully supplied. _He’s gonna break your heart._ Adam’s heart clenched painfully and it was all he could do to swallow the scream that wanted so badly to escape. It came out in the end as a wheezing cough and it left his chest aching.


	5. Chapter 5

“Voovoo? Come on out with it.” Sutan’s voice had that all-knowing tone, the one that reminded Tommy of his dad, and he winced.

Tommy curled further into his single bed and pouted over at Sutan where he was sitting, legs crossed in one of the hard wooden chairs in their hotel room. Sutan’s face was a mask, not letting Tommy in on anything, and as much as he really wanted to talk about this, he felt like he was betraying Adam’s privacy. 

“Come on, whatever it is, it will stay between us. When have I ever betrayed your trust? We’re life partners, remember?”

“It’s just… it’s about Adam. I know you guys are close.”

“Yeah, but you can talk to me baby, I’m not here to pick sides. I’m just here to listen.”

Tommy sighed, his mind whirling with everything. He was going to have to fess up to Adam about his feelings at some point. Blaming his behavior on morning wood was a cop out and he knew it, but how much could he tell Sutan? _I hate this, feeling so lost. I can trust Sutan and he always gives good advice._

“Well, you know… I’m not some teenage kid anymore but I can’t seem to get a handle on things. He is making me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I’m straight… I mean I thought I was and then fucking New York happened and then he started kissing me every night. Somewhere along the way I found myself thinking about it… offstage. I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt Adam, but I don’t know how to feel. I mean, am I gay? Bi? I don’t even know anymore. He’s brought up all these questions and I feel like I’m going crazy.”

Sutan chuckled, honest to fuck chuckled and looked up with a glint in his eyes. Tommy didn’t think anything he’d said was particularly funny. “I’m not laughing at you… it’s just Adam always seems to get the straight boys all bent out of shape. You’re definitely not the first to get a little confused by him… he’s just such a strong personality that he draws people to him. You can’t help but getting caught in his web. I know, years ago I had a tiny little crush on this hot rock singer who could belt it out and make my toes curl in my pumps.”

“But you and Adam never…” 

“No, I love Adam to death, but it was just a passing fascination when it came to wanting him in my bed.”

“So it will go away?” Tommy asked hopefully. 

“Not exactly.”

Tommy frowned. “I don’t like the sound of that.” 

“Well, it depends on what your relationship is like with him, what your boundaries are or what you want them to be.”

“Fuck,” Tommy groaned. “I’m doomed. We… lines have already gotten blurry. Onstage we kiss, offstage we make out and I apparently get drunk and go to bed with him naked. When I woke up I freaked out, but then I calmed down and instead of leaving I went back to bed with him. What does that say?”

“Says to me that you might not be as straight as you thought, but also you really have to think about what’s put you in these situations.” Sutan shifted in his chair and smiled at Tommy fondly. “I know you’re having issues at home. Are you really interested in a relationship with Adam or are you looking for someone who makes you feel good?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Well, I think you should really think about it. I care a lot about you both and I don’t want you hurting each other. Don’t jump into something just to take your mind off your problems and if that’s what you’re doing, back off.” Sutan sighed, and Tommy saw a worried frown tugging at his lips before he continued. “Adam already loves you, I can see it every time he looks at you and that gives you a lot of power over him. His willpower to say no to you is going to fade. If I know Adam, he’s the one who’s backed off each time, but that won’t last.”

“Yeah, we were kissing and I begged him… I don’t know what I was begging for but he told me we would talk when I was sober. When I was sober we made out and Adam backed off and said we needed to talk. But I was too confused and scared. I mean, I was naked and boning for my boss for fuck’s sake and…I just couldn’t talk to him about it.

“You guys need to communicate, Tommy, or in the end you will both end up in a really awkward situation. I don’t want to see you leave this band because you two couldn’t think with the heads on your necks instead of the ones in your jeans.”

Tommy huffed but didn’t respond. He knew the conversation was over. There was really nothing more to say. Now he just needed to sort out his emotions versus what he actually wanted to happen with Adam. It wasn’t going to be easy, lines had already been crossed, and now there were consequences to deal with. 

…

Adam needed this. The warm buzz of alcohol coursed through his veins and he relaxed into it. Being in California again felt good, felt like home. And after tomorrow’s repeat performance in Costa Mesa, Glam Nation would be rolling into San Diego, his hometown. With it he knew he could find comfort, if only for a few hours, with his mom. She would help him sort his head out. But tonight, with Terrance by his side, he was going to indulge. 

That’s what Adam loved about this tour. The people he’d brought on were already family to him. Terrance had been his friend for years; he wouldn’t let Adam get into too much trouble no matter how sloshed he got tonight. And he was well on his way to having a lovely hangover in the morning, but it didn’t matter. He was too focused on dragging Terrance out to the dance floor. Dancing was the closest experience to the high he got from singing. The feeling of moving his body to the thump of the throbbing bass was heady and left all worries behind him. Instead he let everything go and writhed against Terrance, a laugh leaving his mouth without a thought. This was joy, this was easy and familiar and when he nuzzled Terrance’s neck, Terrance held him close. 

Somewhere in the mess of trips to the bar for drinks, Adam lost sight of Terrance. He searched the crowd for a lime green tank top but was soon distracted by the sight of a tiny blond. Adam had a type and this boy definitely pinged every one of his interests, but what he found the most alluring were those rosy lips, full and begging Adam to investigate more closely. Adam found himself drawn to the guy and before he knew what he was doing, he was strutting over with a smirk on his lips. The dude was even smaller than Adam expected, definitely shorter than Tommy. 

“Tommy, shit!” Adam groaned. He couldn’t think about it now, not when the tiny dude was looking up at him expectantly. 

“I’m not sure who Tommy is, but I wouldn’t have left your side if I was him.” The guy cocked his hip and pouted up at Adam, and Adam found he couldn’t remember why this was such a bad idea. Tommy would surely want Adam to have fun, and with the warmth of the alcohol buzzing through his brain, he just went with it. 

“I thought… you look like a friend of mine.” 

“Do I?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m Adam…”

“Anderson, but you can call me Andy.” Anderson licked those pretty lips and Adam nodded even though he wasn’t sure why.

“Wanna dance?” Adam whispered into Anderson’s ear.

“Sure.”

They headed out to the dance floor and Adam pulled Andy close, his back pressed against Adam’s front. Adam lost track of time, everything going hazy with need when Andy grinded back into his cock. They danced, the beat changing with several songs until he was sure he was going to come in his pants like a horny teenager. And then Tommy’s face flickered through his mind and his entire body went rigid. Adam turned Andy in his arms until they were face to face. “Sorry, I really have to get going, have to find my friend and head back to the hotel. I lost track of time.” Andy’s face spelled disappointment, but Adam couldn’t do this, not to Tommy, and alcohol wasn’t an excuse. He and Tommy needed to sit down and talk. Even if it didn’t happen tonight, it had to happen. Adam needed to know what Tommy expected from him before going and fucking it up by letting his dick do the thinking. 

“Hope I see you around,” Andy replied and pecked Adam on the cheek. Adam nodded and turned back into the crowd, again searching for Terrance. He was swaying slightly as he walked and he knew he needed to get back to the hotel. Finally he spotted Terrance dancing with a beautiful drag queen. It took a couple of seconds to weave his way through the throng of people until he could tap Terrance on the shoulder. 

“I’m heading out, you coming?” 

“Yeah man,” Terrance shouted over the noise, and Adam watched Terrance say goodbye to his new friend. 

Terrance hailed a cab for them and they spilled into the backseat. The cabbie barely glanced in their direction, asking for their destination, and then everything was quiet. Adam snuggled closer to Terrance, seeking comfort. 

“So boo, you wanna talk to me now?”

“Straight boys,” Adam moaned pitifully. 

“Yeah, but this particularly straight boy seems a little bendier than your normal flavor.” 

“I dunno, T, sometimes I think he wants me. But now… maybe he just needs me to make him forget. I don’t think I’d be in this situation if Tommy hadn’t got that call about his dad.” 

“You don’t think he was thinking about you before that? You think he just magically developed feelings for you because of that call?” Terrance asked, petting Adam’s hair like he’d seen him do to Tommy a million times before.

“I don’t know. One minute we’re kissing offstage for the first time and the next he’s following me onto the bus and getting naked in my bed.” Adam nuzzled his face in Terrance’s shirt and breathed in the familiar scent of his friend’s cologne, thinking for a moment. “Nothing happened, but it’s only because I knew he was drunk and I was the one who said no. I’ve never… I just don’t know what to do with him.” 

“You two need to drop a line of communication. You guys are just gonna hurt each other if you keep this up.”

“I’m already hurting,” Adam confessed, finding that even the buzz of alcohol couldn’t numb the ache in his chest. 

“You know you’ve always got me, and I’ll kick his scrawny little ass if you ever want me to.” 

Adam laughed, really laughed until there were tears in his eyes at the image. He started to open his mouth to tell Terrance it wasn’t necessary when the cabbie interrupted to tell them they had arrived. 

Adam paid the driver and crawled out of the cab, still feeling unsteady on his feet. When Terrance got out Adam grabbed his wrist, grounding himself. “Leave Tommy alone. I’ll talk to him in the morning, see where we stand and if in the end he doesn’t want me the way I want him…it’s not like he forced me into this. I let him do it, I’m just as responsible as he is.”

“Alright, but if you change your mind…” Terrance trailed off, and Adam nodded as they stumbled into the hotel. 

“Night,” Adam mumbled when the elevator hit Terrance’s floor. 

“Night, don’t forget to set your alarm for tomorrow. Can’t have you running late all day.” 

Terrance squeezed Adam in a quick hug and then headed off to his room. The doors closed and Adam went up two more floors before the doors opened again for his floor. He weaved down the silent hallway until he reached his door. For several minutes he fumbled, trying to figure out where he put the keycard. He had chapstick in the one front pocket, his phone and keys in the other, and a quick check of his back pockets produced nothing but his wallet. He thought for a minute, racking his brain as to whether he actually picked up the thing or not and then he had a flash of memory. He opened his wallet and sure enough, there it was. 

Adam shook his head. He never put his keycards in his wallet. Adam couldn’t help but think that proved how fucking out of sorts Tommy had gotten him in the past twenty-four hours. He pushed the card into the slot, waited for the light to turn green and opened the door to his suite. He needed water, and ibuprofen, lots of ibuprofen. Because with tomorrow came more loud noises and drums. Adam shuddered at the thought and winced when he flicked on the overly bright light revealing a seating area and a small kitchen. He went over to the mini fridge, grabbed a bottle of water and downed it quickly before snatching another bottle and shutting the door. He toed off his boots, shuffled through the dark bedroom and then went into the attached bathroom, making quick work of downing four ibuprofen, taking off his makeup, pissing, and stripping down for bed. It wasn’t until he stood in the bathroom doorway, hand poised to turn off the light, that he realized he wasn’t alone. 

“Damnit,” Adam huffed softly, but he couldn’t help but look at Tommy’s face, beautiful and relaxed in sleep. Tommy's insomnia always seemed to disappear in Adam's bed. But Adam was quite sure his room had been empty when he'd left for the club. He wondered if Lane had given Tommy his spare key. He thought about putting his underwear back on, but noted the pile of clothes next to the bed. He shrugged, turned off the bathroom light and crawled into bed beside Tommy. Tommy snuffled, rolled over and snuggled into Adam’s side, still fast asleep. 

_Why Universe? Why are you testing me this way?_ Adam lay awake, wondering how the hell he was going to deal with this in the morning. 

Adam didn’t remember falling asleep, but woke to distressed cries and a body flailing beside him. Memories of last night were slow to come, but when he opened his eyes he quickly shifted and pulled Tommy (of course it was Tommy) into his arms. 

“Hey, shh, baby,” Adam whispered, trying to draw Tommy from the dream. It didn’t work and Tommy flung his arm back and elbowed Adam in the shoulder. He wrangled Tommy until Tommy was beneath him and protected himself from getting hit again until he could wake Tommy. “Tommy Joe, come on honey, it’s a dream. You’re with me. You’re in my bed. You’re safe.” 

Tommy startled beneath Adam and gasped out, eyes fluttering open in a panic. Adam quickly rolled off and pulled Tommy back into his arms. “Hey, see it’s okay.”

Tommy’s eyes darted around the room and finally up at Adam. That seemed to do the trick and soon Tommy relaxed into the embrace. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“It’s okay, you wanna talk about it?” 

“No! I mean no, I just…it was just a dream.” Tommy worried his lower lip with his teeth and Adam knew it must’ve been bad. Tommy was never one to have nightmares. 

“Well, you wanna get some more sleep? It’s only…” Adam turned to glance at the alarm clock on the end table. “It’s only eight, we could sleep a couple more hours.” 

“No, I uhh… Adam I think we need to talk.” Adam tensed at those words, knowing they usually didn’t lead to anything fun.


	6. Chapter 6

The dream still felt too close to the edges of his memory. If something bad were to happen to Adam…Tommy shivered even though Adam was right here, his scent filling Tommy’s nose. He supposed the dream was life’s way of telling him that he’d better hold onto Adam, clear up this mess, and value what they had. 

“What did you want to talk about?” Adam finally asked, and Tommy could hear the notes of discomfort in his voice. The only time Adam ever sounded that way was when he thought someone was upset with him. 

“Well, I lied.”

“About?”

Tommy pulled away from Adam’s hold. He needed to see Adam’s eyes, tell him face to face what he’d done. “I… I was scared. You bring up these feelings in me that I’ve never felt before about anyone and…to be honest I’m terrified because of the way I react to you. You’ve got me questioning things I never thought about before, wanting things I never knew I wanted.”

A smile tugged at Adam’s lips and he reached for Tommy’s hand. It wasn’t until their fingers were laced together that Tommy continued. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I’ve never gotten a boner over a dude, I mean you have to understand how freaked out I was, but…I think. I mean, if you can overlook that and take things slow…I guess what I’m trying to say is, I wanna see where this thing between us goes.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay to be scared, and for you to want to try this with me means the world to me, Tommy. I know we’re taking a huge risk, but I’m willing to take this as slowly as you need me to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“So from now on we can share your awesome, magical bed on the bus?” Tommy teased.

“You know you’re welcome in my bed anytime.” Adam smiled and tugged Tommy closer until their noses were nearly touching. Tommy’s heart jumped in his chest at the look Adam was giving him. Adam was beaming, his eyes glittering with pure happiness. It was a side of him Tommy had never seen before and when Adam cupped the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, Tommy realized just how much Adam had been holding back.

…

Adam was pretty sure he was dreaming, but if he was he didn’t want to wake up. Tommy was right there telling him he wanted to give it a try between them. Adam couldn’t believe it. But he’d sure as hell take it at a snail’s pace if that’s what it took to keep Tommy in his life, in his bed, just like this. Joy spilled over when their lips touched and Adam poured himself into it until Tommy melted beneath him. They stayed just like that, sharing kisses and touches as minutes turned into hours. All too soon Adam’s phone was blaring Lane’s ringtone. 

Adam pulled away regretfully and grabbed his cell. “Yes?” 

“Your band and dancers are having breakfast. Everyone is enjoying each other’s company and starting their morning except for you and Tommy. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say he used the keycard to your room he asked me for last night?”

“Yeah, he was sleeping when I got in last night.” 

“And this morning you decided to sleep in? It’s almost eleven. You should already be dressed and ready. You have interviews in less than two hours, Adam.” Lane sighed into the line. It reminded him a lot of the tone his mom gave him when he’d done something naughty as a child. 

“We’ll be down in twenty,” Adam assured her.

Without a word Lane ended the call and Adam laughed. He hated that she got her panties in such a twist. He hadn’t been late for an interview since…well since that time he’d split his pants and had to retrieve another pair from his things on the bus.

“Come on, Tommy, time for a shower.”

“But my things are…” Tommy smirked at Adam. “Doesn’t matter, I’ll throw on something clean when I go back to pack up my shit for bus call. Check out isn’t until noon.” 

Adam was very well-behaved during their shower. He didn’t want to spook Tommy, but he couldn’t resist the temptation to shampoo Tommy’s hair for him. Adam loved the little noises Tommy made when he scratched lightly at his scalp, the suds turning his blond hair white and frothy. And for just a moment, he had a vision of himself as a kid and couldn’t help himself. “Turn around,” Adam directed, and when Tommy followed the command Adam took a handful of the suds and made Tommy a beard. Tommy gave him a scowl, but Adam could see how hard he was trying not to laugh and in the end they both giggled.

“Lane’s gonna be pissed.” Tommy was still smiling as Adam used a towel to pat him dry and then used another on himself.

“She’ll be having kittens by the time I get down there, but I won’t be late. I just have to pack up my things and get them to the bus before I leave for the interview.”

“Yeah, but still you better hurry, you need to grab yourself some breakfast.”

“I’ll get her to stop by Starbucks on the way. And this coming from you, Mr. Never Eats Breakfast.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Tommy laughed and pulled on his clothes from last night. “Listen I’m going to go pack up my shit and let you get dressed. I’ll see you at the venue.” 

“Okay. I should be there just in time for soundcheck.” Tommy was dressed and Adam was wearing just a shirt, but he couldn’t resist getting one last kiss. Adam felt the smile on Tommy’s lips before they parted. 

…

 

The show that night went smoothly. Nothing was different other than the fact that Tommy knew the kiss onstage wouldn’t be the last one of the night. And he was right. After the show they headed back to Adam’s bus and made out like teenagers until they fell asleep. It was easy to be with Adam, and for the next several days their nighttime routine was much the same. They would perform, head back to the bus or hotel, depending on the night, and kiss until they fell asleep. With Adam by his side, Tommy felt like nothing could go wrong.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry. It's been a rough month of deaths and crazy all around me. Due to this I think I've misplaced my mind. I ended up using the WRONG file to update some of the chapters of this fic. I'm not sure which ones at this point but if you want to read the right versions it pertains to this chapter and the ones that follow, up to chapter fourteen. I am SOOO sorry. I feel terrible. I only realized it because I realized there was an important dream missing from chapter nine.

As it always did, life had a way of reminding Tommy that perfect never lasted long. On one of the hotel nights in August, Adam was still hyper from the show and Tommy was too wiped out to keep up with him, so instead of joining Adam in his room, he headed to his own. It was going on two o’ clock when he stripped, threw his phone on the nightstand and fell into bed. The insomnia that normally reared her ugly head was apparently busy elsewhere and Tommy fell asleep soon after his head hit the pillow. 

The intro to Enter Sandman blared in Tommy’s ears loud enough that sleep was no longer an option. He flailed around, cracked open his eyes and finally located the damned phone. He was going to murder Adam. He hadn’t been sleeping but a fucking hour and was sure Adam had decided he was lonely and wanted company. Without really looking at the screen he answered it and huffed into the phone. Not Adam, not… 

“Tommy?” 

Tommy’s gut tightened and his heart plummeted. “Lisa…” Tommy breathed into the line. 

“Tommy, I… I’m sorry.” Her voice was trembling. “Dad, he uhh, he passed away about twenty minutes ago. Mom, she wanted me to call you. You should, you should probably come home.” 

Tommy felt a noose around his throat and it tightened when he opened his mouth to speak. It was like he forgot all the words he knew. There was a huge blaring siren in his head and it was screaming at him. The one man he’d looked up to his whole life was dead. “I…” his voice cracked.

“Tommy?”

“I… I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

“He’s not… he… no. Fuck! I have a show tonight…” he finally choked out. All he really wanted to do was scream to the top of his lungs that it wasn’t real. Then Tommy’s fingers loosened their grip on the phone and it fell from his grasp. There was nothing else to say anyway. He got up out of bed, sleep a memory, and one he wouldn’t be revisiting soon. This was going to send his insomnia reeling. He went into the bathroom and, not knowing why, peered into the mirror. Everyone always told him how much he looked like his mom. But now, staring helplessly into the mirror, all he could see were his dad’s eyes. 

He choked back the sob that tried to make an escape. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. His dad was supposed to live forever. Dads were immortal, or they were at least supposed to live to see old age. The transplant, they’d found a donor match. Everything was going to be fine. And now it was over. His father was gone. Anger welled up inside him and he went with it; it felt so much better than drowning in grief. Before he realized what he was doing, he swung his fist and his reflection cracked. He groaned and doubled over, holding his injured hand, surprised that the mirror hadn’t shattered all over the floor. No, it was Tommy that was shattering. 

Time got away from him and shock set in. Somewhere along the way he face planted onto the floor, his abused fist underneath him. His thoughts were an array of snippets and ponderings. He wondered if he would be able to play tonight, but not playing was not an option. If there was one thing he’d ever done that made his dad proud it was this, finally getting paid to do what he loved. He couldn’t skip the show tonight. And then he realized that everyone would eventually _know_ and they would all have pity in their eyes. He’d have to tell Adam, though he wasn’t sure he could stand having Adam look at him that way, the way all people look at you when you lose someone you love. Tommy groaned, another horrible thought coming to mind. It was only a matter of time until Adam’s rabid fanbase caught wind of it some way or another. He didn’t want that day to come, wasn’t ready to face it. Tommy turned to his side and curled into a ball, and for the first time in a long time, he begged the universe. 

He sent out a plea that this was all a bad dream. And with it came a sense of calm. That, or he’d just shoved all his emotions into a bottle, which was more likely. But when the lid was screwed on tight Tommy could breathe a little easier, and he was able to drag himself back to bed and fall asleep.  
…

Adam definitely didn’t like waking up alone. He’d gotten so used to opening his eyes only to see Tommy’s blond hair disheveled and soft, Tommy’s head resting on his chest. This morning though, he was alone and cold. He grabbed his phone from where he’d left it on Tommy’s pillow. Three missed calls from Lane. That wasn’t unusual. Also, there were two new texts from Terrance, both asking what he wanted for breakfast. Adam tapped out a quick reply, assuring Terrance he would be down soon and to order an egg white omelet with veggies for him.

Adam rolled out of bed, showered, and threw on some clothes. His stomach growled as he grabbed his keycard and headed down to the hotel restaurant. 

Terrance was sitting in a blocked off room near the back, and by the looks of it the hotel had made sure they wouldn’t be disturbed by fans. Relieved, he headed in to join Terrance and noted Taylor and Sasha sitting at a table just out of his original view. They were chattering on about something and Adam smiled. He loved that they’d all become family. Adam sat down in the booth opposite Terrance. 

“Morning T,” said Adam, eyes flickering longingly at the stack of butter and syrup drenched pancakes that sat in front of Terrance. 

Terrance laughed. “Don’t worry boss man, I’ll give you a bite.” 

“No, can’t… I think I gained ten pounds just looking at them.” 

“Well if you’re sure, your omelet should be here shortly. Figured Tommy would come down with you. You two seemed connected at the lips lately.” 

“Tommy was tired last night and I was still high on adrenaline, I think he would’ve killed me if he’d joined me in my room. I ended up blasting some Bowie and belting it out until I got a call from the front desk asking me to turn it down. Guess someone complained.”

Terrance chuckled. “Well, at least it wasn’t a fan realizing they had a room right beside their idol. I mean if it had been she’d probably have tried to leap from her balcony over to yours while you were sleeping so she could see if you really slept naked.”

“You’re right. So yeah, I guess Tommy just needed some rest.”

“You been keeping our boy up all night?” Terrance smirked and wiggled his brow suggestively. 

“Nothing more than late night pillow talk.”

“Sure boo, pillow talk with your lips locked.”

“Maybe,” Adam conceded. “I’ll head up and check in with him after breakfast.” A dopey smile slipped across Adam’s face, thinking about Tommy. Things had felt so right between them the past few days. He felt like he was on cloud nine.

Terrance giggled at him, and they chatted throughout breakfast, enjoying their friendship until Adam was ready to go wake up the dragon.

“Careful boo, you know he breathes fire.”

“I’ll be sure to duck,” Adam promised with a wink.

Adam headed through the lobby back toward the elevator and managed not to cringe at the high-pitched squeal that came from somewhere behind him. He would love his fans more if they didn’t scream, but being the consummate professional he pasted on a smile, turned around and waved to a dark haired girl. She seemed satisfied or too shocked to speak, either way was good, and he went back towards the elevator. 

Tommy had given Adam his spare keycard before heading to bed last night, and Adam had tucked it in his wallet so he wouldn’t confuse it with his own. Room six fifty, Adam remembered, and when he was standing outside the door he pulled out the key. If Tommy was still sleeping, he wanted to wake him up with a kiss instead of a knock. 

Adam opened the door as quietly as possible and peeked inside. A spill of sunlight through the window revealed the rumpled bed and a Tommy-sized lump beneath the covers. Adam smiled, closed the door behind him and crept closer. He gently peeled the layer of blankets down to Tommy’s waist. Tommy didn’t budge, so Adam moved in and pressed a kiss against Tommy’s lower lip. Tommy shifted, but didn’t wake. 

“Come on sleepyhead, it’s time to wake up.” 

Tommy’s eyelashes fluttered, he mumbled grumpily and reached for the covers. Before he could tug them back over his head, Adam crawled into bed beside him. Without a word Tommy snuggled closer, reaching to knead his fingers in the fabric of Adam’s shirt. He made a hurt noise low in his throat and Adam looked down to the hand now lying limply on his stomach. It was bruised a deep purple and there were blotches of blood around the knuckles.


	8. Chapter 8

Having Adam beside him in bed was familiar, comforting. For several moments he was sure that the phone call had never happened. He’d gone back to Adam’s room and they’d gone to bed together. Then he reached for Adam and his hand throbbed. _Fuck!_

“What happened?” Adam asked, concern evident in his voice. 

“I…” Tommy wasn’t sure he could say the words. Saying them meant admitting it wasn’t a nightmare. Adam was right there, though, fingers running softly through Tommy’s hair, his energy warm and comforting when Tommy was sure his world was going to shatter. But Adam wouldn’t let that happen, would he? “Lisa called early this morning… I… I…. Adam please…” Tommy choked past the lump in his throat, and then all the emotions he’d bottled away last night surfaced. He felt the tears running down his face. He wasn’t one to cry, but he didn’t know how to mourn everything he’d lost and with Adam hugging him closer, whispering softly in his ears, Tommy broke. His body was wracked with sobs, sorrow and guilt consuming him until he couldn’t breathe. He gasped for air, his face buried in Adam’s chest until Adam pried him away so air could again fill his lungs. “Please, please,” Tommy begged. “Please tell me it was a nightmare, lie to me, tell me he’s still alive.” 

Adam gasped loudly and tugged Tommy closer, pulling him in for a tight hug. Tommy heard Adam's heart pounding, a steady beat, an anchor he tried to cling to in this storm of despair.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Adam whispered.

“Please,” Tommy croaked, “lie to me.”

“I will do anything I can to make you feel better, but lying to you isn’t going to change anything.” Adam made too much sense sometimes, and in that moment with his chest burning and his throat feeling like it had been ravaged with razor blades, he just wanted to forget. Surely Adam could make him forget. 

“Love me,” Tommy pleaded. “Make me feel something other than this.”

Adam pulled Tommy closer, rubbing his hands along Tommy’s bare back. Tommy sobbed against Adam’s chest, unable to get a handle on himself. Adam murmured softly and even tried singing non-sense to try and calm him down, but it wasn’t working. Tommy was restless and hurting. He looked up at Adam pitifully and rubbed his tear streaked cheek against Adam’s face. 

“Please Adam, please… I need you.” 

“Okay baby, here, let me just…” Adam disentangled their bodies and made quick work of stripping off his clothes. When he was naked he slid back into bed and blanketed Tommy’s body with his own. It was warm and safe. Adam was all consuming and when Adam kissed him the world seemed to revolve around their lips, even if stubborn tears kept spilling down his face. He ignored them, and Adam was focused on licking into Tommy’s mouth. Tommy relaxed into it, into the feel of Adam’s tongue, just as talented as the rest of him. In that moment Tommy knew he would get through this. Adam wasn’t going to let him drown. 

Tommy found himself responding, found that with their kisses and Adam’s body pressed close that his dick was getting hard against Adam’s hip. He squirmed against Adam and Adam hummed and rolled his hips against Tommy. Tommy groaned and even though the tears were still coming, it was for a different reason now. To feel joy in such a time of sadness... somehow the play of emotions, the ups and downs translated into crying harder even as he bucked up, his cock sliding along Adam’s. It was a ride like no other. When Tommy finally seized and came between them, he smiled and kissed Adam while Adam came with a moan. 

“That…” Tommy whimpered, his body still trembling with aftershocks. 

“Yeah.” Adam nuzzled his nose against Tommy’s neck. After a little while Adam rolled off, revealing the mess on both of their stomachs. He got out of bed and returned to Tommy with a washcloth, and before Tommy could reach for it, Adam was wiping tears from Tommy’s face. Then he used the cloth to clean Tommy’s belly and tossed it toward the bathroom. He climbed back into bed and Tommy, careful of his abused hand, snuggled closer. 

"Tommy, you should go be with—"

"No!" Tommy shouted, cutting Adam off and startling himself in the process. "I can't... I... I'm staying here."

Adam ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “I knew you’d want to, just thought I’d—”

“Staying here,” Tommy said again.

Adam nodded. “Okay. You gonna be up to playing tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll put some ice on my hand and wrap it. I might need to borrow a pair of your fingerless gloves to cover it up though. Also sorry, but I think the hotel might be charging you to replace the mirror.” Tommy couldn’t believe how easy it was to talk to Adam about this. Adam didn’t pity him, wasn’t making him feel worse. He was just being there for him. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll personally take care of it,” said Adam, and Tommy knew without a doubt that he would. It would all be easier because of Adam. He’d be up on stage and Adam would be there. Then Tommy thought about all those eyes looking at him, the band and the audience and…everyone. Would they know? 

“No one else knows, right?” Tommy said, his voice suddenly very small. 

“I didn’t know until I came up to check on you. But baby, you know the band, dancers, and Ally and her crew love you and will just want to be there for you.”

“I know, it’s just…” Tommy found a new round of tears rolling down his face. “It’s just… when people know they look at you differently.”

“Because they love you. Think about it that way.”

“I know…please…you tell them, I can’t.” Tommy sighed and gave into the sobs that wanted to come out. Adam held him close and let him cry until they couldn’t wait any longer to get ready for the day.

…

Adam knew the show wouldn’t be easy for Tommy, but as predicted the band and dancers all greeted him with love and support. Adam did a quick check of Twitter before sound check and discovered that yes, somehow the fans had already found out about Tommy’s sad news. It wasn’t a surprise, but he hoped Tommy would be able to handle all the concern from fans. 

That night Adam watched Tommy ice his hand after sound check. Tommy sat close to him in the overstuffed couch in his dressing room. He hummed along as Adam warmed up, only wincing occasionally while squeezing the stress ball Adam had provided. If he didn’t work out the stiffness and some of the swelling, he probably wouldn’t be able to handle the entire set. Just in case, Adam had told Cam and Neil to be ready. Cam would play bass and Neil could play keys if absolutely necessary. Minutes before they hit the stage Ally busted into Adam’s dressing room. She hadn’t gotten her Tommy time today because she’d had to go straight into her own sound check. 

“Kitty,” Allison squealed, and then pouted when she saw Tommy’s hand. “Oh honey, look at you. Did your fist run into one of the Westboro assholes faces?” Ally batted her lashes and grinned. She knew about Tommy’s dad, but instead of talking about it she was doing her Allison thing and making Tommy laugh. Adam loved that girl. 

“No Ally cat, but that would’ve been more fun,” Tommy said, his voice laced with laughter. 

“Well, how about you let me wrap that up for you… I mean you’re gonna wrap it up to play tonight, right?” 

“Yeah,” Tommy said as he grabbed an Ace bandage and offered it to her.

“Alright, I’ll make it as quick and as painless as possible, just like my momma taught me. You though mister, you been holding out on me? I been hearing you been spending the nights on Adam’s bus?” Allison rambled while wrapping Tommy’s hand. “You two have something you wanna tell me? Hmm?” Ally smirked up at Adam and pouted at Tommy. “I’m not a kid anymore, Adam, I need details!”

Adam couldn’t stop the blush that crept along his cheeks. Ally was still his baby sis, whether she was blood or not. “Erm, well…” Adam stuttered. 

“Oh when the hell did you get shy?” Tommy cackled. “Yeah Ally, we decided to see where this thing goes. We’re taking it slow.”

“So spending every night in his bed is slow these days? I’ll have to remember that.” Allison gave a hearty laugh as she finished wrapping Tommy’s hand. When she was done she pecked him on the cheek, careful of his makeup. Then she bounced to her feet and pecked Adam on the cheek as well. “Really, I’m happy for you guys. Just be good to each other.” 

“Yes, little momma,” Tommy sighed dramatically. “My every intent was to act out my favorite horror movie murder with Adam.”

Allison swatted Tommy affectionately on the back of the head and stuck her tongue out. “Alright, well by the sounds of it you guys should probably get your asses on stage.”

Adam handed Tommy a pair of fingerless gloves to put on. “This way fans won’t be chattering all over twitter about what you did to your hand.” 

“Yeah, thanks.”

They got up and together, with Ally trailing behind, headed to the stage.

The show was much the same as every other night, except when Fever began, kissing Tommy just didn’t feel right. Adam flung his arm around Tommy’s shoulders for a moment and cupped his chin, hoping to convey comfort and support before he pranced off to join the dancers. The rest of the show was a blur and when he was taking his final bow, Adam couldn’t think of anything he wanted more than to have Tommy in his bed tonight. 

Adam got his wish, and with all the ups and downs of the day a very exhausted Tommy was soon cuddled in his arms, fast asleep. Adam knew he should sleep too, but right now he just wanted to savor the precious man and the way Tommy’s breath tickled the hairs along his bare chest.


	9. Chapter 9

Tommy was having a harder time of it than he’d imagined. August seemed like it would never end. Everyone had been so amazing and sweet, but he was just ready for the month to be done. He was tired of waking up from nightmares and crying into Adam’s chest. He dreaded sleeping now more than ever.

Last night he'd dreamed about the funeral, the one he didn't attend. The room was empty and it was just him, standing there by the coffin. In hushed whispers he confessed everything that had been plaguing him. He confessed his feelings for Adam, how sorry he was that he was touring, and how much he regretted not being there for the funeral. It was just too much for him to handle and yet, he stood there talking to the coffin, wanting nothing more than to get a reply. The silence was deafening and wracked him with despair, knowing he would never hear his dad’s voice again. He’d woken up, his chest tight, struggling to breathe. The tears were hot on his cheeks, but he couldn't stop them and just clung to Adam like a life preserver.

Granted Adam never complained. Adam, who needed to sleep and rest his voice between shows, never hesitated to hold Tommy close in the middle of the night and sing until Tommy fell back into a restless sleep.

Tommy almost wanted to sleep alone, wanted to let Adam rest without worrying about him, but he knew it would never work. Adam would never go for it. Instead, on those nights, Tommy just tried to go back to sleep as quickly as he could. And when that didn’t work and the nightmares were still too close for comfort, he pleaded until Adam shushed him with kisses.

Adam never pushed. There had been a handful of nights where Tommy had initiated something more than kisses, but it never went further than rubbing up against each other. Adam was so tolerant, and Tommy felt guilty. He didn’t deserve Adam. Adam was so patient, and he could have any guy he wanted. He could have a guy who woke him up at all hours of the night for sex instead of crying.

Tommy knew how lucky he was, and when he stepped out on the stage to make music with his friends—his family—for a little while, everything was perfect.

“Teej,” Sasha shouted over the noise of the fans as Tommy stepped off stage one night in September.

“Yeah Sash?”

“So I know you’ve been spending a lot of time with Adam, but us girls are getting a little lonely. We miss you.” Sasha rolled out her bottom lip and batted her eyelashes.

“Whataya want?” Tommy asked with a laugh.

“Ally, Cam, Brooke, Liz, Val, and I wanted to watch a movie tonight at the hotel. We were hoping maybe we could all crash your room. We’ll need some manly protection. Cam wants to watch The Exorcist.”

“Oh if you insist. It’s not like I’ve seen the hotel rooms they’ve set me up with lately. Might as well watch a movie with my girls.”

After signing they all headed to the bus for the short ride to the hotel. They piled up like puppies in Tommy’s bed and he wasn’t surprised to see all the goodies that came with them. The scent of popcorn drifted to his nose and he made grabby hands for the fresh bag Brooke was holding. He had no idea that room service would have popcorn, or maybe they had brought in the popcorn and had the hotel pop it, but either way he was happy. It was good being surrounded by the girls. It had been too long since they’d had a movie night.

“So TJ, on a scale from meh to I’m gonna piss myself, how scary is this movie?” Liz asked.

Tommy smirked. “Well, knowing you… maybe we should put a pee pad down…”

“Oh it’s not that bad.” Cam laughed. “He’s just teasing you.”

Once the DVD was in, all was quiet except for the noises from the movie and the rustling of candy wrappers and snacks. He took it all in, enjoying the movie and the company. And he might’ve laughed like a hyena when he touched Liz and she jumped. Yeah she was easily spooked.

When the movie was finished Val was sleeping, Brooke was yawning, and Ally looked a little pale. Sasha and Cam were snuggled up together whispering and looking like they were up to no good. Tommy shrugged.

“Alright guys, it’s been fun, but I’m gonna head to Adam’s room. You guys can stay here or head back to your rooms.” Tommy hugged and pecked each of them on the cheek except for Val and left her to sleep.

…

Adam snickered when he received the text from Sasha. _Kitty is out of his pen_

Of course Sasha would think that was hilarious. Adam shook his head and laughed again. One more look around the room and Adam headed to the door. He hoped all the trouble he’d gone through was going to make for a surprised Tommy. Adam heard the keycard slide into the slot and held his breath when Tommy turned the knob. Then Tommy stepped inside, not paying attention until he’d shoved the key back into his jeans. When Tommy looked up Adam could see shock written all over his face.

“Umm… what… I thought you would be asleep, it’s late,” Tommy stuttered.

“The girls were just keeping you occupied for me. I wanted to set this up, but I needed a distraction for you. I needed time to make it perfect.” Adam shifted from one foot to the other then turned to look at the massage table and the array of aromatherapy candles. “I know you’re not really a candles kind of guy, but after the past couple weeks I figured a nice night of relaxing might help you sleep,” Adam said, hoping that this wasn't taking things too far. He didn't want to spook Tommy.

“They all knew about this? Ally knew?” Tommy asked.

“Yeah.”

“Ally kept a secret. I think that shocks me more than you being a _closet_ romantic.” Tommy smiled and reached for Adam. “Really though, it’s awesome.”

“Really?” Adam asked hesitantly. Tommy nodded in reply. “Well then, I suggest you go crawl into that nice hot bath. It even has jets. And once you’re nice and wrinkly you’re gonna hop up onto that table for me and let me work out all the stress.” Adam pecked Tommy’s lips, squeezed his hand, and then shooed him to the bathroom.

Adam heard Tommy’s sigh of contentment and went about making sure the massage oil was heated and ready. Then he stripped down to his boxer briefs and waited for Tommy. The temptation to join him in the bath was there, but he wasn’t about to leave all the candles unattended. Adam scoffed at himself. He was all for fire safety, but in reality he was terrified that one wrong move might send Tommy running for the hills.

Tommy didn’t soak as long as expected and when he shuffled back into the living room, he was huddled in the oversized fluffy robe Adam had left out for him. Adam couldn’t help the fuzzy feeling in his heart at the sight of Tommy in a robe two sizes too big, his hair disheveled and dripping, face bare from any trace of makeup. “You’re gorgeous,” Adam finally murmured, and held out his hand to Tommy.

“You’re too good for me.”

“No, baby, I’m just what you need.” Adam tugged Tommy to him until they were both standing beside the massage table. Then he untied the belt holding the robe closed and slid the terrycloth from Tommy’s shoulders. It fell to the floor, leaving Tommy bare, and Adam tried to contain his sudden need. He took a deep breath and smiled. “Come on up. Lay on your belly for me.”

Tommy got comfortable on the table, his arms against his sides. “Okay,” he said as he settled his face into the head cradle.

“Now you just relax and let me take care of you.”

“Alright.”

Adam plugged his phone into the speakers, brought up his ‘Relax’ playlist and pushed play.

Tommy laughed. “Typical. You have a playlist for every occasion.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Adam, chuckling. He picked up the bottle of warm oil and poured a liberal amount onto Tommy’s back. Tommy groaned, shifted, and then stilled. Adam rubbed one hand up Tommy’s spine and then slowly spread the oil until his entire back was shiny with it. Without hesitation, Adam hopped up onto the table, throwing his leg over Tommy’s body until he was seated on Tommy’s thighs. He hadn’t done this many times, but he knew in order to work out all the kinks it was best to have leverage. This was the best position to really dig in and work out all the tension.

“Still good?”

“Yeah, just kinda weird being covered in oil.”

“You’ll enjoy it soon. Just listen to the music and clear your mind.”

He started at Tommy’s neck, then ran his thumbs along Tommy’s spine and smiled at the little noises Tommy made. From there Adam went to Tommy’s shoulders. He felt how tense and knotted up the muscles were and tried to dig his fingers in, to relieve the tension, but soon realized his error. Adam sighed and reached for the hand towel on the couch.

“Problems?”

“Sorry, too much oil… it’s like trying to massage a slip and slide.” Adam laughed and wiped away some of the oil before returning to his task. He worked until the muscles finally felt like putty in his hands. He moved on, slowly trailing down until he hit a particularly large knot in Tommy’s lower back. He manipulated it using the heels of his palms and winced at the whine that came from Tommy.

“Sorry, I know, just breathe.”

Tommy took in a shuddering breath and Adam used his leverage to press into the muscle firmly until it finally loosened. The hurt noises gradually became ones of pleasure, and Adam finished by pressing a kiss to Tommy’s shoulder blade. He hopped down off the table and took Tommy’s left arm, using his still slicked hands to massage it. He found himself really taking the time to look at the horror sleeve that Tommy was so proud of. Then he cupped Tommy’s hand and massaged it, too. He switched to the other side and repeated the process until he reached Tommy’s right hand. The bruising from earlier in the month had faded to a sickly yellow and Tommy didn’t flinch when Adam brushed his hand over his knuckles. When he was finished he moved Tommy’s arm back to his side.

“Look at you, my little limp noodle.” Adam laughed when Tommy turned his head and stuck out his tongue.

“Your fault,” Tommy mumbled and settled face down again.

“Yeah, it is, isn’t it?” Adam was quite pleased with himself. He stepped to the end of the table and went to work on Tommy’s foot, calf, and thigh, then switched to the other leg and repeated the process, adding more oil as needed. So far he had intentionally avoided Tommy’s ass because he wanted Tommy to relax. But now that Tommy was nice and loose, Adam poured a splash of oil into his palm and slid his hand from Tommy’s thigh up to his left hip. Slowly, he worked his way to Tommy’s butt cheek. For a minute Tommy didn’t react and Adam thought that maybe he’d been worried for no reason. But then he felt Tommy tense under his hand.

“No,” Tommy squeaked, turning back to look at Adam.

Adam’s heart sank at the look of panic on Tommy’s face. _He should know that I’d never do anything without his consent._ “Hey, shh,” Adam said through the lump in his throat. “I was just going to massage your butt, baby. Promise.”

Tommy’s breathing was still too fast but he returned to his prior position. Tension sung through his body and Adam wondered how this was ever going to work. If he panicked every time Adam got near his ass, they would never have a relationship. Tommy would get caught up in his fears and it would quickly blow up in their faces. Adam sighed and decided to skip massaging Tommy’s ass. It hurt that Tommy thought he would take advantage of him, but Adam swallowed down all those thoughts. It was just going to take time. He needed to think positive. Negativity only breeds more negativity, or so his mom always said.

“All done,” Adam murmured, and used a small towel to wipe the excess oil off his hands. “Do you wanna rinse off in the shower or do you want me to wipe you down with a towel and head to bed?”

“Wipe down.” Tommy voice was small and Adam’s heart dropped.

Adam worked until there were only traces of slickness left. Then he helped Tommy sit up and without a word, Tommy headed to bed. Adam trailed behind him, ditched his underwear and crawled into bed.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to,” Tommy whispered.

“Hey, it’s fine. It’s a new thing for you. It’s okay to be scared. We’ll get past this,” Adam promised. _I hope._

Tommy snuggled up until his head was resting on Adam’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he murmured into Adam’s skin.

“You needed it, now sleep.” He wrapped his arm around Tommy. It was extremely late and they had hotel call at eleven. Adam didn’t see himself getting much sleep, but was relieved when Tommy’s breath evened out in slumber. Tommy didn’t toss and turn, and there were no signs of nightmares while Adam watched him sleep. The sun was poking through the blinds when Adam felt the familiar wave of exhaustion finally take him under.


	10. Chapter 10

For a week after the massage, things were awkward. Tommy felt guilty and really didn’t know how to bring up the subject of anal anything with Adam. He was still arguing with himself, unable to accept that he might be bisexual. It was scary and caused a lot of worries for him. How was he going to tell his mom? If he and Adam kept up this little relationship, there would come a time where they couldn’t hide it anymore. He wouldn’t want his mom to find out he was sleeping with a guy from the trash rags.

None of the worrying changed anything or made it any better. At the end of the day it came down to facing his fear, but he had a terrible feeling that sex with Adam would be the deciding factor of…everything. It would either confirm to him that yes, he was bi-sexual, or that he’d made a huge mistake. He wasn’t sure how the hell he would deal if it was the latter. The last thing in the world he wanted was to hurt Adam. Sutan’s words filtered through his mind again.

_Don’t jump into something just to take your mind off your problems and if that’s what you’re doing, back off._

Tommy really thought about that. Why was he so infatuated with Adam? Did it start with the phone call from his mom? No. It was the string of shows after New York that had him thinking non-platonic things about Adam. He’d gotten so damned wrapped up in his role in Fever that he would completely zone out until later in the show. Surely that meant something? Didn’t it? Tommy sighed, his brain filtering through a million images at once. Onstage kisses, conversations, nights where he and Adam had been the last ones up, snuggled on Adam’s bed on hotel nights. That was all before, before the pain and grief began.

_Then why are you still hesitating?_ His mind posed the million dollar question.

Tommy didn’t have an answer. Their friendship didn’t turn into something more until the night he got back from seeing his dad. He was so drunk that anything could have happened. But it didn’t. _Only because Adam refused you._

Tommy groaned. This wasn’t helping. One way or another he had to talk to Adam about his fears. It just wasn’t going to happen tonight. After a week of awkwardness things were finally returning to something near normal. And tonight was their first gig of two in Atlanta. He had to be onstage in less than two hours, so he shrugged off his worried mind and headed to get his makeup done.

…

Adam was glad things had returned to semi-normality since the “massage incident.” Even so, he was still uncomfortable that Tommy thought he would cross a line. He shook his head and pulled on his pants, his hair still dripping from the shower. These thoughts tormented him whenever he had five minutes alone. He and Tommy really needed to talk about it, but so far he hadn’t been up to broaching the subject, not when Tommy was finally starting to relax around him again.

Tonight was a hotel night. Tonight he and Tommy could talk without any distractions or fears that someone might overhear them. Tommy was still antsy about the way their friends seemed to watch them whenever they were together. And even though they’d told people that they were taking things slow, everyone still kept making bad jokes. Poor Tommy could handle the ribbing pretty well, but the giant sized bottle of lube that mysteriously appeared on Adam’s bed in the bus had been a little much. Since then Tommy had been wary of having any type of personal conversation on the buses for fear of being overheard.

Not that Adam really minded. The catcalls that followed them to Adam’s room on the bus were all in good fun, but embarrassing considering they still hadn’t done anything more than kissing and rubbing up on each other naked.

Adam’s thoughts were muddled at best and as he finished dressing, he tried to shake everything off. He needed to focus and get in the right mindset to perform. That involved a trip to get his makeup done.

Just as he walked in, Jeni was finishing up with Tommy’s face. Adam bit back the urge to go over and kiss Tommy silly by making a fist, his nails digging into his palm. But fuck if he didn’t take in the gorgeous sight in front of him. His cock also took notice. Tommy’s lips looked like cotton candy and his eyes were framed with black and shades of gray with a silver highlight. Adam couldn’t understand how Tommy’s eyes didn’t sink in when wearing dark eye shadow, but somehow it just accentuated his features.

“Next,” Jeni chirruped after spraying Tommy’s face to set the makeup. Tommy hopped up out of the chair and Adam tried to adjust himself without bringing any attention to his crotch. He sat down and noted that instead of leaving, Tommy made himself comfortable in a chair by the door. Oh, so it was going to be this kind of torture.

Tommy asked Jeni a question but Adam was too distracted to catch it, focusing on trying not to get an erection while Jeni made up his face. Okay, he could do this, really, he would be fine. Adam heard her voice but wasn’t paying attention to anything she was saying. Even when she had him close his eyes, he could still feel Tommy’s gaze hot on his skin.

“Adam, be still,” Jeni chided before returning to her conversation with Tommy.

It felt like forever, but it was only twenty minutes later when he was done and out of the chair. “I’ll see you onstage,” he directed at Tommy, stuttering slightly. “I forgot my gloves in my dressing room.”

Adam wasn’t used to feeling this way, like he was a fucking teenager all over again, and he couldn’t figure out why Tommy affected him like that. He supposed that since he was never sure when Tommy would want to get off together, it made sense. Having Tommy always around made finding time to jerk off nearly impossible. Not that he wouldn’t jerk off in front of Tommy; it just hadn’t come up. Now that he was thinking about it though, he wondered when Tommy was jerking off. _Yeah, no dumbass, you’re only making it worse._ Adam moaned and busted into his dressing room. He headed straight to the bathroom, pulled down his stage pants, and grabbed his dick. In less than five minutes he was biting into his hand to stifle a groan while he milked his cock into the toilet.


	11. Chapter 11

Tommy was a little tipsy and a lot horny when he stumbled onto the band bus after the show. Cam smirked at him and swatted his ass before he flopped down beside her. 

“No, I’m not petting this kitty unless it’s mine,” she snorted when he snuggled up to her. 

“Fine, Adam will pet me.” Tommy pouted and Cam shrugged him off.

“You just need to get laid TJ,” Longineu piped in from his place at the table, where he was playing cards with Monte. 

Monte groaned. 

“Oh come on it’s not like you’ve never been horny,” said Tommy. “We’re all sharing a tin can half the damned time. It’s not like we all haven’t wacked off in our bunks at one point or another,” he spouted at Monte, his lips looser with this level of inebriation. 

“Yeah, but man, Adam’s my friend… and I’ve heard way more about his sex life than I ever wanted to throughout the years.” Monte paused and wrinkled his nose. “I’d rather just think of him as celibate. Don’t ruin my fantasy. It’s bad enough I have to watch him try to remove your tonsils with his tongue every night.”

“I don’t have my tonsils,” Tommy said with a drunken giggle. And with that the entire band started laughing. 

“So, you could deep throat.” The comeback was from Cam; she was hunched over trying to catch her breath between snickers. In that moment they were all really twelve-year-old boys and nothing could be taken any way but dirty. 

Just as they finally settled back down, the bus pulled up to the hotel. Tommy most certainly did not squeak with excitement, he merely got startled when Cam poked him in the ribs. But the hotel meant Adam, and a nice big bed, and maybe if he was lucky a resolution for the semi he’d had since Adam kissed him during Fever. The only reason he hadn’t followed Adam onto his bus was because he would’ve ended up naked, and there wouldn’t have been enough time for them to play before they arrived at the hotel. Now they were here.

He didn’t feel any hesitation or fear about Adam’s dick pressing up against his own, and he blamed this on the alcohol buzz. He knew what he wanted and by damned he was going to get it. Somehow he didn’t think Adam would fight him about it. He was slightly intoxicated but by no means was he at a level where he couldn’t make a sound decision. This was perfect; he was warm, loose, and all his inhibitions had gone out for the night. He made a mental note of everything he’d had to drink throughout the evening for future reference, grabbed his duffle bag from his bunk and headed out of the bus with the band. 

There was a small group of fans snapping pictures and caterwauling worse than the female cats in heat, but Tommy didn’t flinch. He just pasted on a smile, nodded to them and headed into the hotel. They didn’t follow and when he looked around the lobby, he realized that Adam still hadn’t made it off the bus yet. A small part of him wanted to whine, but he swallowed it when he saw Lane march in with Adam and his suitcases trailing behind her. The fans followed Adam inside and Tommy watched him patiently sign their things and take photos while Lane checked the Glam Troupe in. By the time Lane was handing Tommy his key, Adam was finishing up and heading over to retrieve his own. Tommy smirked. He definitely wasn’t using his room tonight.

…

Adam noted Tommy’s flushed cheeks and the naughty little smile that curled his lips. He wondered what was on Tommy’s mind, but supposed he would soon find out. 

He wasn’t surprised when Tommy didn’t get off on the floor where the rest of the Glam Troupe was staying. Once the elevator doors shut and they were alone, Tommy dropped his duffel bag and stalked over. Adam didn’t have time to react before Tommy was kissing him, tongue licking at the seam of his lips, hand tugging him down to his level. It was a bad idea; anyone could be watching right now. These elevators had cameras, but it wasn’t enough to stop him from opening up and letting Tommy in. 

Adam groaned into Tommy’s mouth, his knees going weak when the elevator hit his floor. Instead of exiting right away he threw out an arm to keep the doors from closing until the kiss came to a natural end. Then Adam grabbed his suitcases and Tommy hauled his duffel onto his shoulder. Together they walked down the nearly silent hallway until they came to the door of Adam’s suite. Adam shoved the keycard in the wrong way, letting his impatience get the best of him.

“Here, let me,” Tommy offered and took the key from Adam’s hand. 

Adam shivered when Tommy’s fingers slid over his palm, but then Tommy had the door unlocked and it was a race to get their things inside the room. There was an electric current running between them, and Adam was highly aware that Tommy had never been this sure of himself when they’d been together before. But right now it was clear that Tommy was out to get something from Adam tonight. Adam certainly wasn’t about to complain; he liked this side of Tommy. Sure Tommy was tipsy, but there was awareness in his eyes. He was present in the moment and Adam was going to enjoy every second of whatever was to come.

As soon as Tommy shut the door and flicked on the light, he pressed Adam against the door. Adam chuckled at the way Tommy stood on his tiptoes. He took pity on him and hoisted him up, and Tommy wrapped his legs around Adam’s waist. Then Adam turned with Tommy in his grasp and pinned him to the door. They kissed, long, slow, dirty kisses until Adam’s body was on fire. Judging by the erection pressing into his belly, he wasn’t alone. 

“Bed,” Tommy moaned into Adam’s mouth. Adam had no objections. He carried Tommy through the suite, hoping to fuck the room he walked into was the bedroom and not a bathroom. Adam released Tommy and supported him until he was steady on his feet, then searched the wall for a switch. When he finally hit it, two lamps flickered to life and spilled a warm glow over a humongous bed. 

“Fuck yeah!” Tommy called at the sight of the bed, and began stripping. 

Adam followed suit but wasn’t quick enough at getting out of his boots. By the time he was naked, Tommy was already in bed and had the comforter and sheets kicked off. He was spread out on the sheets like a starfish, his head propped up by the pillows, and the look on his face made Adam shiver. It was all lust, need, and naughtiness and Adam was drawn to it. He crawled up the bed until his knees rested between Tommy’s open thighs. He’d never seen Tommy this shameless. Sure they’d gotten off together, but Tommy had never been on display like this. Adam feasted on the sight. 

“Fuck,” Adam muttered, and traced his finger along the cut of Tommy’s hip. He wanted to devour Tommy. He craved the taste of Tommy’s lips. He wondered what would happen if he sank his teeth into Tommy’s collarbone. And fuck, he couldn’t help imagining the way Tommy would writhe and carry on if he took Tommy’s cock into his throat. He bet Tommy had never had a proper full service blowjob before. These thoughts distracted Adam enough that he was surprised to feel Tommy shift. Before his brain came back online, he was on his back and Tommy was hovered over him, lips just inches from his mouth.

“Oh,” Adam whispered. 

“Yeah,” came Tommy’s reply, and then Tommy kissed him rough and needy and he forgot everything else. 

He felt Tommy’s teeth nipping at his lower lip, and melted when Tommy sucked and nibbled behind his ear. Then Adam’s entire body lit up when Tommy lay down on top of him. The flames licked along Adam’s skin when Tommy rolled his hips into Adam’s length. Adam gasped and Tommy’s mouth was there to swallow the sound. 

Time no longer mattered, not when Tommy was kissing and rolling his hips, urging them closer and closer to the end. Adam thought that this must be what Nirvana felt like, and then the fire in his gut spread out and out until his cock spilled its seed onto his stomach, hot and sticky against his skin, joined a few seconds later by Tommy’s release. Tommy whined into Adam’s mouth and trembled in Adam’s arms. Adam sighed, content to have Tommy fall asleep right here. 

Tommy seemed to have other ideas. He rolled off the bed and went to the bathroom on wobbling legs. He returned minutes later with a washcloth and wiped their combined mess off Adam’s stomach. Adam smiled, and thought that maybe everything would be all right. 

“That was hot,” said Tommy with a laugh. Adam nodded in agreement and tugged Tommy back into the oversized bed. No more words were needed. Adam reached to flick off the lamp while Tommy turned off the other one and snuggled in close to Adam’s side. It was only after Tommy was asleep that Adam realized they still hadn’t talked. But then again, maybe it wasn’t necessary to bring it up. Tommy was more comfortable than Adam had ever witnessed. Maybe things would just work out in time.


	12. Chapter 12

Puyallup was the last day of the US leg of the tour. It was also their last show with Allison. Tommy was sadder about saying goodbye to her and her band than he had anticipated. 

On the flip side, the party after the show meant booze and a chance for everyone to spend one last night hanging out. Adam had rented out one of the local bars so they could socialize without getting hounded by fans, and it was nice. The music was thumping and everyone was dancing except Tommy. He sat at the bar running his finger along the rim of his glass while watching his friends cut up and have fun with one another. Tommy preferred to watch than be involved in all that. 

He thought he was getting away with his lone wolf act until Isaac sat down on the stool beside him. Tommy was still getting a feel for Isaac; he’d only been with them for a couple shows, but so far as a drummer he’d definitely held his own. Isaac nodded to Tommy before flagging down the bartender and ordering a beer. 

Tommy sighed. He hadn’t known Isaac for long, but he knew that look. The one that everyone gets when they have something on their mind.

“Well go on then,” said Tommy before taking a swig of his beer. 

“It’s just… it’s none of my business.” Isaac shifted nervously and tapped out a rhythm on the bar. 

“You’re part of us now, we don’t keep secrets.”

“Are you sure? I really don’t want to offend you.”

Tommy laughed at that. “Dude, I’m sure it’s something I’ve been asked before, promise. Some of the fans seem to have no boundaries or respect for our personal lives.”

“Well… are you and Adam… I mean I’ve seen you guys kiss onstage and tonight he stuck his finger in your mouth during Fever. I’ve heard you guys tell the fans it’s all fan service, but…you haven’t been on the band bus.”

Tommy thought about how to reply. For a second he just watched the bubbles travel through the amber liquid in his glass. Isaac shifted again. He really was an antsy little fellow when he was nervous. “Well, it’s complicated. We aren’t really putting labels on things, but we share his bed and it’s not platonic anymore.”

“Oh. Well, you both seem happy with each other so I’m glad to know I wasn’t imagining it.” 

“Definitely not just your imagination.”

“Cool, so are you looking forward to a couple days back home before the overseas leg of the tour starts? I mean if I’d been on the road this long I’d be looking forward to crashing in my own bed again.” 

“Yes and no. I can’t wait to crash in my bed, but when I get back I’ve gotta go see my mom.” Tommy didn’t know why he was telling Isaac this. It was just going to dredge up painful memories, but still he continued. “I haven’t been home since before my dad died, I… I’m not sure how to be in the house without him being there.”

Tommy was staring into his beer and was startled to feel a hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” said Isaac. “I’m sure you’re sick of people telling you that and I know it doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone. I know we don’t really know each other that well yet, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you have my number.”

Tommy nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat with another sip of beer. His eyes burned, but he wasn’t going to cry in public, no matter if he was surrounded by his friends. If he shed a tear when he said goodbye to Allison and her band, well that was different. 

The bartender finally brought Isaac his beer and much to Tommy’s relief, Isaac hopped off the barstool without a word. Tommy chugged the rest of his beer and before he could signal the bartender for another one, he felt a warm body pressed against his back. 

“Did you really think you were going to get out of tonight without dancing with me?” Adam’s words were a whisper right against Tommy’s earlobe. 

“I was hoping,” said Tommy, tilting his head to offer Adam access to his neck. Tommy’s toes may have curled in his boots when Adam licked and suckled at the tender skin just behind his ear. It was sad that Adam already knew how to get him hard in less than two seconds. Once he melted back against Adam, he knew he was doomed. 

“Come on then,” Adam urged, and Tommy found himself getting to his feet without complaint. Fuck! Adam was like a fucking snake charmer and Tommy had somehow become his snake. 

So the dancing part turned out to be not as bad as Tommy expected. He was more relaxed in his group of friends and trusted that Adam wouldn’t let him look too stupid. The music changed into something with a trance beat. Adam moved Tommy to the music and Tommy let go. He felt so in tune with Adam in that moment, their bodies moving as one, that when the song was over it was disorienting. He opened his eyes and Adam was smiling down at him. 

“Not such a bad dancer,” Adam purred.

“Only when you lead me around,” said Tommy, and before he thought too much about it, he kissed Adam. It wasn’t like their friends hadn’t seen it before, but it was still a big deal to Tommy. He didn’t want their friends to think he was gay. Bi maybe (although the verdict was still out on that), but he wasn’t gay. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay. Gay was fantastic and awesome when it came in an Adam-sized package, but not for Tommy. 

_Wow._ The thought was a neon flashing sign in his head. _So that’s what’s really been bothering you. Nice time to figure it out, dumbass._ He was a hypocrite. Nothing like supporting your gay best friend slash lover and being paranoid that the people around you might think you’re gay because you’ve been sleeping with the guy.

“Earth to Tommy?” Adam’s voice filtered into his whirling thoughts. 

Tommy blinked several times, shaking off the craziness in his head. He knew he had issues, but this was more stupid than usual. “Yeah, sorry… I… nevermind, it’s not important.”

“If you’re sure…we can always head back to the hotel and talk?”

“No, it’s okay really. Let’s just spend some time with our girl before we have to say goodbye,” Tommy suggested, knowing that Allison would be a great distraction. Tommy really didn’t want to think anymore and tonight was supposed to be about Ally anyway.

…

After Adam danced, drank, and laughed with his friends until two in the morning, it was time to say goodbye. Allison had an early flight back to LA while his crew wasn’t heading out until after hotel checkout in the morning. 

Adam had watched Tommy closely through the night and noticed the way Tommy drifted off somewhere else every now and again. Tommy had never been overly emotional about goodbyes, but he’d had had an unexpectedly bad reaction to Longineu’s leaving the band. The night of LP's last show, Tommy had had a nightmare that'd left him a trembling mess in Adam's arms. But, just like so many other things, he and Tommy hadn't talked about it.

Adam wondered if tonight would be a repeat. Would he wake up to Tommy crying out in his sleep? He pulled a tearful Ally into his arms and pressed a kiss against her forehead. 

“Shh, babygirl, you know this isn’t the end. As soon as the tour is done we’ll get together.”

“I know, it’s just hard. I don’t know how to go back home and just be. I’m not me without the music and they took that away from me.” 

“They didn’t take away your voice, baby. That’s what matters. The label may have dropped you, but who’s to say it’s not for the best in the end?” Adam petted Ally’s hair softly. “Take some time, you’re still young. Enjoy it.” 

“Yeah, I’ll try,” Ally sniffled. “I’m gonna miss your face.”

Adam laughed and squeezed Ally into a tight hug. “And I’m gonna miss your rock star-self opening the show for me every night.”

Ally finally pulled away and he let her go. She turned to Tommy and batted her lashes through her tears. “And you my pretty, how will I ever survive without my Tommy time?”

Adam smiled. He hadn’t expected Tommy and Ally to hit it off the way they had. He couldn’t count the times he’d found those two off in a corner in quiet moments before the shows, Tommy with his guitar and Allison singing along softly to whatever melody Tommy played. They had a friendship that Adam didn’t fully understand, but watching them together had always been a treat. The way Ally would laugh like Tommy was the funniest person she’d ever met. At one point he wondered if there was something more going on, but that was before this thing with him and Tommy had started. 

“Gonna miss you Ally Cat,” Tommy choked out, and Adam could hear the tears lacing Tommy’s voice.

Adam watched them embrace and listened as they murmured softly to each other. It looked like they were saying goodbye forever; maybe Tommy feared it might be the last time he would see her. Adam remembered Tommy telling him that the last time he said goodbye to his dad, he had never expected it would really be the last time. Adam couldn’t imagine how Tommy felt.

“You better call me,” Ally demanded when she finally pulled out of Tommy’s arms. 

“You know I will.” 

From there Adam watched Allison say her goodbyes to the rest of his band. Val, Liz, and David offered hugs and promises to hang out after Adam and crew were back in the states. Then they hopped in the rented van along with Ally and drove off to the airport. 

With their goodbyes said, Adam and Tommy headed to their rental. Adam pulled the keys out of his pocket, unlocked the doors and opened the passenger side for Tommy. Once Tommy was safely tucked inside, Adam walked around to the driver’s side, climbed in, and pushed the key into the ignition. Adam had had a drink tonight, but that was hours ago and it hadn’t been enough to even give him a buzz. He wanted to be alert tonight in case Tommy had a bad night. He was so lost in his thoughts that he missed the way Tommy shifted in his seat, and suddenly Tommy was kissing him. Adam groaned and opened for Tommy’s tongue. He tasted the remnants of beer and a hint of whatever citrusy concoction Tommy had switched to when Adam mentioned that he’d probably had enough.

“Hey,” Adam whispered, pulling away just slightly. “It’s okay.” In the old yellow lights of the parking lot, Adam could see the unshed tears in Tommy’s eyes. There were shadows too, and they danced across Tommy’s face with the flapping of a flag in the distance, but they couldn’t conceal the tear that slipped down Tommy’s cheek. 

“I… I’m scared.” 

“And that’s okay,” Adam reassured him, hugging him close over the gearshift. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but Adam went with it. 

“I just… I need…”

“Let me get us back to the hotel, then we’ll figure it out.”

“Alright,” said Tommy, sounding reluctant, and pulled away. Adam wasn’t surprised to feel Tommy’s hand on his as they drove.


	13. Chapter 13

Tommy was frantic, his heart thumping loudly. He knew it was crazy. Logically he understood that bad things weren’t always going to happen, but logic had nothing to do with it. His mind was too focused on the fact someone else was leaving and he didn’t know when and if he would ever see her again. He wondered if with every goodbye, there would ever be another hello. He hadn’t felt this desperate since the night he got the phone call about his dad.

Adam would make him forget. Adam was his lifeline to breathing again when the walls felt like they were closing in and crushing him. Adam could wipe away his fear, with fingers and lips. Kisses and touches would erase the panic inside him. He imagined Adam’s lips on his, tongue sliding along his lower lip. Tommy groaned to himself, feeling his cock twitch in the confines of his jeans. Yes, Adam could calm him down, one touch at a time.

Tommy got lost, focused on all the things he wanted Adam to do to him, and the next half hour was a blur. He was lost in a daydream of Adam’s fingers on him and lips writing a book of desire on his skin. He needed Adam, wanted Adam’s hands on him, now. In hotel the elevator it was all he could to do to keep from pouncing Adam like he was the last delicious morsel waiting to be devoured. His blood heated, his cock throbbed, and he clenched his fists in impatience. When the elevator sounded and halted at their floor, he wanted to drag Adam to their room, but managed to wait. Just a little bit longer and he would have what he wanted.

They made it into the hotel room before Tommy finally lost his ability to keep his hands to himself. The door had no sooner closed and the light flickered on than Tommy had his fingers in the soft cotton of Adam’s t-shirt. He made an unhappy noise over Adam’s height and Adam bent slightly at the waist, enough to allow him to pull the offending material over Adam’s head. They stood there for several moments, Tommy’s breath caught in his throat while they shared kisses and Adam’s fingers scooted beneath his shirt. The panic that had threatened to overwhelm him skittered briefly across his skin before settling, Adam’s touch finally soothing his nerves and calming his body. Tommy shivered, both relieved and excited at the feeling of Adam’s hands on him while their lips danced and they shared the same air. It was close, intimate in a way that fired up Tommy’s curiosity. Then he felt compelled to touch, to look, to explore in a way he hadn’t before. 

Tommy pulled out of the embrace, panting. He wanted to get his hands on Adam now. “Bed,” he demanded, and smiled a little when Adam didn’t say a word. Adam just flopped back onto the bed, but instead of sprawling out like Tommy wanted, Adam bent over and worked off his boots and socks. Tommy watched him, glad that Adam had the clarity of mind to take those damned shoes off. It saved Tommy the trouble of trying to figure it out later. 

After Adam took off his socks, he curled his toes into the cushy carpet and slid up the bed until he was star-fished in the middle, wearing nothing but jeans. Tommy licked his lips, kicked off his own boots and followed Adam onto the bed. 

Tommy hovered over Adam on his hands and knees, taking in the view below him: the expanse of pale, freckled skin that he’d never studied quite this way before. Adam’s nipples stood out, a darker rosiness to them than his skin. Before he thought about it too much, Tommy leaned down and licked a nipple until it budded beneath his tongue. There was a hint of salt on Adam’s skin along with a flavor that was uniquely _him_. It was heady and it sent a jolt straight to Tommy’s dick. He blinked, a little startled at the intensity of the feeling. _Am I drunk? Is that why I'm so into this?_ But no, he was sober. He couldn't blame alcohol this time. _Does this mean that I'm bisexual then?_ His thoughts from earlier suddenly smacked him in the face. Being afraid that others would think he was gay was beyond hypocritical. Did this thing with Adam mean enough to him to overcome his fear? His heart answered _yes,_ before his brain could chime in, but there were still so many unknowns. The taking things slow with Adam was both a blessing and a curse. 

“Hey, baby? You okay?” Adam’s voice cut through his thoughts and he realized that his heart was fluttering and he was on the verge of a panic attack. Tommy struggled to find the words but it didn’t matter. Adam pulled Tommy to him and started caressing his back. “We don’t have to do this,” he whispered. 

It took several minutes of Adam talking in hushed tones before the tightness in Tommy’s chest eased up. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, this… it’s the first time I’ve really wanted to touch and explore you this way. I know it’s not like we haven’t been naked together before, but I really wanna touch your cock, feel the weight of it in my hand, and that scares me.” Tommy stopped rambling and shifted until he could look into Adam’s eyes. “Wait, that sounded bad. What I mean is… I… I always thought pussy was it for me. It’s strange to wanna wrap my hand around anyone else’s cock, not just yours.”

Adam’s frown turned into a laughing smile with Tommy’s words. “It’s okay, really. You have one too. Just think about it like you’re exploring your own. I mean I know it’s different, but if it’s something you want you shouldn’t be afraid of it. On the other hand, you know I’m not going to push you into anything you don’t want to do.”

“The thing is, I really want to, and I don’t know quite know how to process it. My body is on board, but my mind is a bit behind on getting it together,” Tommy tried to explain. 

Adam ran his fingers through Tommy’s hair and cupped Tommy’s neck, giving it a squeeze. Tommy groaned. The tension in his body melted away when Adam did shit like that. “We’ve got this room until check out,” said Adam. “You can do whatever you want to me until then. If we end up staying up all night we can sleep on the plane. Or we can curl up and sleep right now. It’s your choice, baby.”

Tommy didn’t reply, just trailed his fingers along Adam’s chest. The hairs that decorated Adam’s skin were soft. Tommy nuzzled his cheek into Adam’s shoulder, pressing close. Tommy knew what he wanted and, scared or not, he needed to push this as far as it could go. He needed answers and while this wouldn’t answer all of them, this was a part of the puzzle. Getting his hand on Adam’s dick was the next step to figuring out if a sexual relationship with Adam was going to work. 

Tommy drifted further down to Adam’s stomach and frowned at the way Adam tensed. “You have men and women every night screaming and carrying on because they think you’re a sex god and yet you’re still worried about this?”

Adam sighed. “Old habits die hard.”

“It’s just me. You know I care about you and you’re certainly motherfucking hot, so quit that shit. You can be _on_ and paranoid about that shit onstage, but not with me.”

Adam relaxed and Tommy grinned. Adam really didn’t have a thing to worry about. Yeah he was a little soft around the middle, but it didn’t take away from his sexiness. Tommy had always thought there was a certain appeal to imperfections, and while he didn’t see Adam’s softness as an imperfection, Adam did. So Tommy did the only thing he could think of and slid down until his head was right at Adam’s navel. He kissed right beside it and nosed against the hairs that led from it and disappeared into Adam’s jeans. Adam made a muffled noise and Tommy looked up to see that Adam had shoved the side of his hand into his mouth to hush himself. 

“None of that either. I wanna know if I’m doing anything wrong. Your natural reactions will tell me better than anything you actually come out and say.”

Adam dug his nails into the sheets. All the while Tommy was fascinated by Adam’s erection, the way it was tenting the tight denim. It was the only thing between Tommy and Adam’s dick, and he couldn’t stop staring. He knew how Adam felt when they rubbed off against each other, but he still didn’t know how another man’s cock would feel in his grip and he wanted nothing more than to find out first hand. Tommy hummed under his breath and reached out to pop the button on Adam’s jeans. It turned out that undoing a button one handed was harder than it looked. Tommy finally got up onto his knees, worked the button free and pulled the zipper down to reveal a pair of very snug black boxer-briefs. Tommy chuckled and Adam huffed out an offended noise. 

“Don’t be like that,” Tommy murmured, tugging at Adam’s jeans until Adam lifted his hips to help. Adam managed to toe off the jeans with a little shifting, leaving him in nothing but a pair of ridiculously tented underwear. “I’m not laughing at your cock, baby. I promise. It’s just that those underwear weren’t made for what you try to put in them.”

“Well it’s either buy a size that stays on my hips, or buy something to fit what’s in them,” Adam deadpanned, and Tommy giggled. 

“You might have a point there,” said Tommy. Curiosity finally got the best of him and, with his tongue sticking out in concentration, he splayed his fingers along the outside of Adam’s underwear. 

“In those jeans I’m surprised I couldn’t see the head poking out the top.” Tommy saw how the head of Adam’s dick was trapped in the band of his briefs. “Do you always tuck it up like that or just when you’re wearing tight ass jeans? I mean if you left it pointing down into your pant leg, getting a boner would suck.” Tommy knew he was rambling, but his nerves were hyperaware of the fact that there was only a thin piece of cotton between his hand and Adam’s cock.

Tommy could hear the smile in Adam’s voice along with a breathy moan when Tommy curled his fingers around Adam’s length. “I… yeah when I wear tight shit it’s easier just to let the waistband keep everything in the right place. Getting hard in those jeans any other way makes just standing up torture.” Adam shifted his hips then went still. “Sorry… I just… yeah anyway, when I wear something looser I either skip the underwear or let my dick lay against my leg.”

Tommy was sure Adam would rather be having his dick played with than talked about, but he was thankful that Adam kept up the conversation. For whatever reason, Adam talking about his dick took the focus off the fact that Tommy was touching it, and it gave Tommy confidence. Tommy took a deep breath and slipped his hand into the fly of Adam’s underwear. “Wow, you’re so warm,” Tommy muttered nervously, and then laughed because that was probably the lamest thing ever said while touching someone’s dick. 

“No, you’re right. You’ve got me all hot and bothered.” 

Adam always knew how to make it better. Tommy took that feeling, grasped Adam and carefully pulled his cock out. Tommy knew that a penis wasn’t particularly fragile unless you were being completely stupid, but he was still oddly nervous about handling Adam’s dick. The more he thought about it, the more it reminded him of the way he felt the first time he got his fingers wet in a pussy. At least this time he had the advantage of knowing how he liked having someone touch him. Yeah everyone was different, but at least this time around the mechanics were the same. 

“Sorry,” Tommy whispered when he realized he’d let go and had just been staring at Adam in all his glory.

“No, it’s fine. I’m not in a hurry. This goes as far as you want it to. If this is enough for you for now I’ll excuse myself to the bathroom and take care of this the old fashioned way.” 

Adam was so fucking patient. Tommy thought for the hundredth time that he didn’t deserve it. He’d given Adam no guarantees as to what their relationship would be, only that he’d wanted to try it, and still Adam was right here along for wherever this ride was going to take them. He just hoped misery wasn’t on the list of destinations. 

“I’m okay, I just… I mean I knew… it’s not like I haven’t felt you pressed up against me. It’s not like we haven’t been naked with you hard before, but fuck…” Tommy finally curled his fingers around Adam’s length. “It just makes my hand look really fuckin’ small.”

“Well you are kind of tiny, like my very own little elf.” Tommy made a face and Adam shook his head, biting his lip and Tommy groaned because that was really hot. “You know I like boys that come in small packages,” said Adam. “It’s not a bad thing, and you’re definitely not small where it counts.” 

“Well since you put it that way…” Tommy trailed off, tightened his grip, and gave an experimental stroke. Adam’s reaction was immediate and beautiful, a soft moan spilling from his parted lips, eyelids fluttering. It sent a shot of warmth to Tommy’s belly, not arousal, but satisfaction in knowing he could get that kind of reaction without really knowing what he was doing. Before they got any further Tommy let go and Adam looked at him, an expression of concern passing over his features.

“Are you…”

“I’m fine,” said Tommy. “Promise. I just… I know a hand on your dick is usually pretty damn good no matter the situation, but I know I generally like to slick the way a little bit if I’m jerkin’ off. Do you? I mean, I just want it to feel good for you.”

“Yeah, when I have the time to use lube it’s always better. I have some lube in my toiletry bag, just hang on a sec. And should I… I mean do you want me to keep these on?” Adam asked, indicating his underwear, and rolled off the bed to where he’d left his suitcase against the wall.

“No, you can… take them off if you want.”

Adam stood up from where he was bent over looking through his things. “Tommy, this isn’t about what I want. This is about what you’re comfortable with, so do you want them on or off?” 

“Well, yeah, okay…” Tommy thought for a minute. Adding lube to the situation pretty much guaranteed a mess if the underwear stayed. Was he comfortable with Adam being naked? It wasn’t like they hadn’t been naked together before. So why was he still hesitating? It’s just a hand job, Tommy reminded himself. Not that much different than when you whack off. “Take them off,” Tommy said, finally certain that it wasn’t going to be an earthshattering difference in the grand scheme of what he had in mind for the night. A naked Adam didn’t mean jumping forward to full blown anal or anything. 

Adam nodded, shucked his briefs, and went back to searching for his toiletry bag. He muttered something and Tommy watched him march toward the bathroom, his erection bouncing comically between his legs. Adam was apparently on a mission. The light to the bathroom flickered on and Tommy heard Adam rifling through his bag. 

“Found it,” Adam called triumphantly. When he turned out the light and returned to the bed he held the lube out to Tommy. Tommy didn’t take it. 

“Will you show me?”

“Umm,” said Adam, a look of confusion on his face.

“I mean, I know how I like to have my dick touched. Show me how you like it.”

“Masturbate for you?”

Tommy felt the flush hot under his collar and the space in his jeans lessened a fraction. “No, well, kinda?” Tommy pulled his shirt over his head, the room suddenly too warm. “I want you to pour the lube into my hand and then when I touch you, lay your hand over mine. Show me the amount of pressure you like, show me if you like a little twist at the head, that kinda thing…” 

“Oh, yeah… I can do that.”

Adam crawled back into the bed and got comfortable on his back, lube still in hand. Once he had his head and shoulders propped up onto the pillows, Tommy offered up his hand. They didn’t say anything and an uneasy feeling crept up Tommy’s spine. He shook it off. This was Adam; he was safe, Adam wasn’t going to take this any further than he could handle. He took a deep breath and with the pop of the lube cap, everything came back into focus. The cool slippery substance that Adam spilled into his palm shimmered slightly in the light. It was a milky color and very unlike the lube Tommy was accustomed to using on himself. 

“Alright, whenever you’re ready,” said Adam. 

“Okay.” Tommy kept his hand palm up for several seconds, letting the warmth of his body heat up the lube. When it felt less like a cold tile floor he lowered his hand and quickly turned it, trying to maximize the amount of slick that ended up on Adam’s dick. Adam gasped when it made contact with his skin, but the sound Adam made when Tommy grabbed his cock was a noise worthy of porn. 

Without another word Adam put his hand over Tommy’s and guided Tommy’s movements for the first few strokes until Tommy got the rhythm. Adam liked a looser grip than Tommy usually preferred, and only wanted a firmer grip at the head. Every couple of strokes Adam flicked his wrist and once Tommy was moving with him, Adam let go. 

It really was a whole new experience for Tommy, having a cock in his hand that wasn’t his own. It was also oddly arousing. The feel of Adam’s dick as it slid through his fist, the weight of it in his hand, the heat radiating from it, and fuck Adam was really hard. His own length twitched; there was no doubt Adam definitely turned him on.

“Yeah, that’s good.” Adam’s voice was pitched lower, his voice wrecked like he’d just finished twenty shows in a day.

“You can move, it’s okay,” Tommy told him.

With that, Adam’s hips kicked up rhythmically into Tommy’s hand and he kept making low hurt noises in his throat. “Baby, little tighter,” he panted.

Tommy was quick to adjust his grip. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, little faster… getting close.”

Tommy again followed Adam’s request and Adam’s thrusts changed, his rhythm stilted as Tommy sped up his strokes. Tommy felt need curl in his gut, watching the way Adam’s stomach muscles tensed and jumped beneath his skin. The line of Adam’s body went bowstring taut for a second before he groaned and Tommy watched in fascination as the first shot spurted. He kept stroking, his focus changing to Adam’s face, the way his eyelids fluttered like he was fighting to keep them open. Soft whimpers left Adam’s lips until he finally went limp and Tommy slowed his hand to a stop, not removing it until he felt Adam going soft in his grip. 

…

Adam was utterly content even though he hadn’t wanted to come. Having Tommy’s hand wrapped around him like that for the first time was just too much. The knowledge that Tommy had never done that with anyone but him was heady. Even though his body was completely spent, his dick gave an interested twitch at the thought. And now, he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. The last thing he’d expected was for Tommy to want to take things a step further. Then again, Tommy tended to change things up whenever he was stressed out or hurting. 

“Was that good?” Tommy’s voice sliced through Adam’s thoughts. 

Tommy was looking down at him and Adam could tell he was still nervous. “Yes, that was perfect, too good even. Haven’t gotten off that quick unless I was on a time limit in years.”

Tommy grinned at that and Adam mentally groaned when Tommy trailed a finger through the cooling come on his chest and belly. “There’s so much,” said Tommy as he continued to play in the mess.

“It’s been a while,” Adam confessed. “I guess the last time I came was with you after the first Atlanta show last week.” 

“What? I mean you don’t… no that’s not even possible, all guys jerk off.” 

“Yeah, it’s just been so busy and you sleep with me every night and… well I guess I could’ve used the shower but even those have been rushed lately.” 

“Well, don’t worry about me being in your bed. We’re both guys, if you wanna jerk off go for it.” 

Adam laughed. “It’s not like I can really get to my dick when you like to lie on my right arm.”

At that Tommy cracked up. “I guess I’ll start sleeping on your left side then. Or ya know, I could help you out with that.”

“I don’t wanna push you,” Adam said, repeating the words he felt like he’d said a million times since this thing with Tommy started. 

“Adam, if we’re going to do this, it can’t be one sided.” There was a slight hesitation, like Tommy was uncertain of what he was about to say next. “You can’t be afraid to initiate sex with me. I promise if I’m not feeling up to it, I know how to say no.” 

“Okay, well, let me try that tonight. I’m gonna go clean up and when I get back I wanna return the favor.” 

“Like I could ever say no to an offer like that.” Tommy giggled and Adam watched him lay down his back with a salacious grin. Adam got out of the bed but before he could turn away, he was frozen in place by the sight of Tommy fiddling with the button on his jeans. Once it was popped he looked up at Adam and batted his lashes. “You better hurry or I’m just going to have to take care of this myself,” Tommy teased, slowly pulling down the zip, the click of the teeth sending Adam into motion.

Adam hurriedly made his way through cleaning up and pissing. He returned minutes later with another damn cloth and even though Tommy didn’t seem to mind, used it to wipe lube and come from Tommy’s right hand. Tommy had unzipped his jeans and left the fly parted, revealing a pair of black boxer briefs with red… no he was imagining it. But when he scooted closer on the bed, sure enough he could make out little red skulls dotted randomly over the underwear. 

“Well aren’t you a little ray of satanic sunshine,” Adam chuckled. 

“They’re my favorite pair and I thought they suited me.”

“They definitely have personality,” Adam said and reached out to grip the waistband of Tommy’s jeans. Tommy lifted his hips, giving Adam the freedom to slide the denim down and off. 

Adam didn’t want to rush this. Not with the way Tommy looked right now. He was relaxed and there was a small smile across his face and a playful shimmer of naughtiness in his eyes that Adam hadn’t witnessed in a while. It seemed like Tommy was learning to cope with the grief of losing his dad instead of hiding behind alcohol, at least Adam hoped that was the case. Seeing Tommy smiling again, seeing it reach his eyes lifted a burden from Adam that he didn’t realize he’d been carrying. The thoughts drifted away when Tommy grasped his wrist and tugged him closer. 

“You’re thinking too much again.” The words were barely a whisper against his lips. Adam moaned into Tommy’s mouth, enjoying the kiss and how into it Tommy was. It was always better when Tommy took the reins and bit and nipped at Adam’s lower lip, sucking it into his mouth until Adam was sure his brain was going to seep out of his ears. And when the kiss came to a natural end, Adam sighed, all thoughts of negative things far from his mind. Now he was completely focused on Tommy and making Tommy come.

“Mmm, no more thinking,” he said. “I believe I promised you a hand job?”

“Yeah, and I think my dick will be very upset if you don’t keep your promise,” Tommy purred, and yes, this was the Tommy Adam loved, playful and confident. 

Adam groped around on the bed until he located the lube. Once he found it he looked back to see Tommy wiggling out of his briefs. Tommy made a show of flinging them off the bed. 

“Beautiful,” Adam murmured. He popped the cap, spilled lube into his palm and let it warm up before wrapping his fingers around Tommy’s cock. Tommy maoned and bucked into Adam’s hand and Adam made quick work of setting the pace. Tommy was vocal, grunting and groaning, even whimpering out “grip tighter” and “just like that” a couple of times until Adam had a good idea of what he liked. 

Adam slowed the pace and Tommy made a beautiful noise of protest, but Adam wasn’t ready to let him come yet. Not with the way he was writhing on the bed, vocal, and needy. Adam wanted to push this as far as he could, knowing that if it was too much Tommy would put a stop to it. Right now though, he could see there was no hesitation or fear in Tommy’s face, just lust, need. Tommy’s dark eyes were even darker, his irises blown and his lips puffy and red from where he’d been chewing them. 

“Easy, I’ll get you there,” Adam promised.

“Fucking cock tease,” Tommy whined, and dug his fingers into the pillow. 

“You’re gonna come so hard though, baby.” Adam picked up speed again until Tommy started to tense, then he let go and started to fondle Tommy’s balls. Tommy tensed like he was going to come and Adam slipped a finger under Tommy’s balls and pressed into the soft skin behind them. He knew from personal experience that nothing would back a guy off the edge of coming faster than a well-timed press to the perineum. 

“What the fuck?” Tommy squawked, his hips thrusting up into nothing.

“Feels good doesn’t it?”

“Feels like a mini fucking orgasm with no come!” 

“Pretty much,” said Adam, shifting to lie beside Tommy. Once he was on his side, body pressed up against Tommy, he kissed Tommy’s earlobe and nipped at his piercing. “Ready for more?”

“Got anything else up your sleeve?” Tommy panted, his hips still wiggling against the sheets even though Adam’s hand was still, holding Tommy’s balls and enjoying the weight of them in his hand. 

“I’m full of surprises,” Adam breathed into Tommy’s ear, satisfied to feel Tommy shiver. 

Adam finally returned his hand to Tommy’s cock. Tommy turned his head to the side and shifted until he was face to face with Adam, his breathing quick and ragged. Adam closed the distance between them and kissed Tommy while working his cock. The air was thick when Adam pulled away to breathe, just a second until he melded their lips together again. Sweat broke out on his skin and he could feel the heat radiating from Tommy. Tommy moaned and Adam stroked him faster. He knew it was time to let Tommy have what he craved. A handful of strokes later the tension in Tommy’s body broke and he cried out. Adam watched the way Tommy’s eyes squeezed shut, his nose wrinkled, and felt Tommy’s come splattering between them. Tommy relaxed, still panting and finally opened his eyes.

“Hi,” Adam whispered, and pecked Tommy’s lips again, his hand on Tommy’s cock loose until the last shudders of his orgasm faded. 

“Hey,” Tommy said, soft and tired. 

“Okay?” Adam asked, reaching behind him to grab the damp cloth from the end table.

“Yeah, tired.” Tommy rolled over onto his back and yawned while Adam wiped up Tommy’s stomach and his own. He dabbed at the mess on the comforter and cleaned the lube from his hand before tossing the washcloth at the bathroom. 

“Then sleep,” Adam whispered before helping Tommy under the covers. He hit the lights and situated himself until Tommy was lying with his head pillowed on Adam’s shoulder, his leg thrown over Adam’s thighs. Adam kissed Tommy’s forehead and smiled at the little snuffling noise Tommy made when he snuggled down to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

_Tommy knew his mom and dad wouldn’t be home until after six, so inviting his boyfriend over after school was a no brainer. He and Adam hadn’t spent any alone time together since Adam fingered him and gave him a blowjob and that had been three weeks ago. Three weeks was a fucking long time not to have any alone time with your boyfriend, especially when you had been together almost a year. It had taken that long for Tommy to work up the courage to try anal with Adam._

_Tommy was excited and nervous about having Adam inside him. He knew from having Adam’s fingers inside him that it could be so fucking good, but Adam’s dick was a whole lot bigger than his fingers. His nerves warred until Tommy was a little sick to his stomach._

_It would all be fine, Tommy reminded himself. He was ready for this. And when they hurried up to Tommy’s room after school, suddenly it didn’t seem so scary. Not with Adam’s lips pressed against his and Adam’s arms wrapped around him. He was safe._

_“I want you inside me,” Tommy panted against Adam’s mouth._

_Adam groaned and together they shucked their clothing until they were naked. Tommy licked his lips at the sight of Adam’s erection and quickly dropped to his knees. Tommy wrapped his lips around Adam’s cock just as he had many times before and hummed happily when Adam’s fingers curled in his hair._

_“Thought… thought you wanted me inside you,” Adam gasped, his fingers tightening in Tommy’s hair when Tommy twirled his tongue just under the head._

_Tommy didn’t take the time to reply to Adam, just enjoyed the feel and taste of Adam. He rested his palms on Adam’s thighs for balance, but it was Adam’s hand in his hair that controlled the pace. All too soon Adam tugged Tommy off._

_“If you wanna try this today, coming right now probably isn’t going to help.”_

_“Dude, I’ve seen you come and be hard again in five minutes,” Tommy pointed out. “Besides, this will take the edge off.” Adam finally relented and fed Tommy his cock again. Tommy fell into the rhythm, relaxing his throat until Adam’s pubic hair tickled his nose on every other thrust. Adam’s grip tightened again._

_“Gonna,” Adam warned and then gave a strangled cry as the first shot landed on Tommy’s tongue. Tommy pulled back a little further until just the head was in his mouth and used his hand to stroke Adam through it, swallowing repeatedly until Adam tapped him on the head. It was Adam’s way of telling Tommy he was getting oversensitive when he couldn’t find the words to speak._

_“Alright, on the bed before you fall over,” Tommy laughed and shoved until Adam’s knees hit the bed and he spilled back onto Tommy’s black sheets. Tommy crawled onto the bed with him and blanketed Adam’s body. He leaned in for a kiss and Adam, still in the lull of post orgasm, kissed slow and easy. They spent a few minutes just like that until Tommy felt Adam hardening again between them. Tommy laughed and ground down against Adam’s length._

_“Okay, so you were right.”_

_“I’m always right,” Tommy said with a laugh before reaching over to pull the nightstand drawer open. He retrieved a well-used bottle of lube and a condom._

_“How do you wanna?” Adam asked, looking hesitantly at the items in Tommy’s hand._

_“I… I read that it would probably be less painful for me to be on my hands and knees. Just… prep me on my back. I wanna see you, then I’ll flip over.” Tommy’s nervousness amped up times ten in that moment. They were really going to do this._

_“Okay, alright, I can do that.” Adam got up onto his knees and waited until Tommy lay down on his back. Adam settled between his thighs and Tommy spread his legs wider, giving Adam room to work._

_Tommy spaced out for a minute, his mind going a million miles a minute. The next thing he knew Adam was rubbing lube around his hole and pushing a finger in slowly. Tommy tensed, pain flared, and he gasped. “I, sorry… it’s okay, I’m okay,” Tommy promised._

_Adam froze. “If you don’t want to do this, just tell me now.”_

_“I want it, honest. You just caught me off guard.” Tommy took a deep breath, exhaled and made it a point to relax. The burn eased. “Okay, now.”_

_Adam looked unsure but pushed in a little further and Tommy relaxed into it. After that it was easy. Adam took his time and Tommy moaned when Adam hit his prostate, fingers curling to rub and tease until Tommy wanted nothing more than for Adam to fill him._

_“Good?” Adam asked, looking down at him._

_“Yeah, just let me,” said Tommy, squirming to turn over. He finally got on his knees and grabbed a pillow for his head. He got comfortable, his back bowed, presenting himself to Adam and startling a little when Adam smoothed a hand over his hip._

_“Now you have to talk to me, baby. When I push in you need to let me know how far and when to move. I don’t want to hurt you,” said Adam softly._

_Tommy turned to look over his shoulder at Adam. “I will, just… come on.” Tommy watched Adam get the condom open and slide it down his cock. Adam poured lube into his palm and slicked himself up shimmied closer, and that’s when Tommy looked away. Adam’s hand was on Tommy’s hip again and his dick was at Tommy’s hole. Tommy took a deep breath. Adam pushed in and Tommy bore down until the head slipped inside. He gripped his pillow, panting until the ache passed._

_“Tommy?”_

_“Yeah, sorry… just, that stretch was intense.”_

_From there Adam took it slow and Tommy sighed when he could feel Adam’s torso pressed against his ass. Then it was easy, they found a rhythm and Tommy was so caught up in how Adam kept thrusting just right to brush over his prostate that the sound of a new voice was a shock._

_“What the hell is going on here?” The voice was angry and Tommy squeaked when Adam pulled out quickly, both of them grappling at the sheets to cover up._

_“I…” Tommy’s thoughts skittered and he was unable to look up at his father._

_“Tommy Joe Ratliff, no son of mine is going to be a fag.”_

_It cut deep, but before Tommy could say anything Adam was there, pulling him close._

_“This isn’t his fault.” Adam’s voice sliced through Tommy’s panicked, whirling thoughts. “Tommy likes girls, but he also loves me.”_

_Something in Tommy’s brain snapped, the familiarity of those words jogging something in his brain._

_“He likes girls, sorry about it, but he also… he likes this.” The words were a phantom in his mind and sounded suspiciously like Adam._

Tommy jolted awake, panic invading his senses. 

_“Tommy Joe Ratliff, no son of mine is going to be a fag.”_ Tommy felt like he was choking, the sound of his father’s voice so clear in his mind in a way it hadn’t been since the last visit at the hospital. He gasped and sputtered in the darkness. His dad wasn’t a hateful man, but he’d never mentioned his feelings about Adam to him. Tommy’s thoughts were racing, the hatred in his dad’s voice ripping open a part of him that was already torn. The part that was terrified that someone might think he was gay. Tommy’s grasp on Adam’s chest tightened until he was digging into the tender flesh, his breath still coming in stilted pants.

…

Adam was drawn from sleep by a haze of pain and the sound of Tommy’s harsh breathing near his ear. His brain was still fuzzy, but he instinctually pulled Tommy’s closer until Tommy released the grip on his chest. 

“Shh, hey, I’m right here,” Adam murmured into Tommy’s hair, the way he had a few dozen times over the past few weeks. “Breathe with me,” Adam instructed, and took a slow calming breath in, then let it out. He continued until Tommy’s breathing slowed, but Tommy was still trembling in his arms. 

“I… sorry,” Tommy whimpered, and Adam could feel the warm burn of tears dripping onto his shoulder. 

Adam felt completely helpless on nights like this. Tommy would never tell him what the dreams were about and most nights Tommy would apologize but wouldn’t say anything else at all. He would just cry into Adam’s neck until he wore himself back into a restless sleep. 

Adam did the only thing he knew to do and held Tommy close, rocking him gently until the tears no longer fell. He expected Tommy to be asleep by now, but could tell that he wasn’t. Tommy’s breathing wasn’t the calm settled rhythm that came with sleep, so Adam held him quietly, eyes staring into the dark. Adam didn’t want to slip into sleep if Tommy actually wanted to talk so he just started humming softly. The tune was playing in his head anyway, a soft bluesy song he’d heard somewhere that day. 

“You heard me listening to my music earlier, didn’t you?” Tommy whispered.

“Maybe, I don’t know where I picked it up,” Adam replied and went back to humming, waiting to see where this was going to go.

For several minutes Tommy was quiet again, the only noise in the room coming from Adam. The melody in his head changed; he knew this one. It was a Pink number and instead of humming, he sang softly. “Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it…” 

Before Adam could get the breath to sing the next line, Tommy’s soft, “Adam,” made him abandon his song choice.

“What, baby?” 

“I…” 

Adam could hear the hesitance in Tommy’s voice. In fact, Tommy sounded terrified. Adam wondered once again what he had dreamed that had gotten him so upset. 

“Uhh… I… this is going to sound bad.”

“Hey, you know you can talk to me.” Adam hugged Tommy closer and kissed his hair.

“I just… do you think I’m gay?”

Adam’s stomach plummeted at the tone of defeat in Tommy’s voice. Tommy had been acting a little off lately, but he wasn’t sure why. He could never get Tommy to talk to him about the important stuff. It seemed like whenever they had a hotel night and time to talk, sex came into play and when it was over it never felt like the right time for Adam to bring things up. And now…how the hell was he supposed to answer that?

“Gay implies that you have no sexual attraction to women. I find women attractive, but don’t have any interest in sleeping with them.” The explanation sounded clinical to his ears, but he didn’t know what else to say.

“Well, then I’m not gay, right? I mean, I like having sex with women.”

Adam sighed, his heart clenching. “You’re afraid of being gay?” The words felt sour in his mouth.

“I… no… Adam… it’s not like that. It’s just so much to swallow when you spent your whole life thinking you were straight. Now this thing with you, I don’t know what it means.”

“I think it probably means that you’re bisexual, Tommy.” Adam wanted to get up and put his clothes on right then. Wanted to end whatever was going on because the warning sirens were suddenly blaring in his head.

“I… yeah I guess. Adam, you know I don’t have anything against gay people. I mean you know this. I… I’m scared. My dad…well…” Tommy bit his lip and his brow furrowed. “He’ll never know about us, and my family…I just… I don’t know how to tell them about us.”

Adam had promised himself that he wasn’t going to be a closet case. He wasn’t going to hide who he was. Well, he wasn’t really hiding who he was with this relationship with Tommy, but it was definitely causing him to have to censor a big part of his life. For a moment Adam wondered if it was worth it, this, whatever the hell this fucked up thing was. Then Tommy pulled away and the lamp beside the bed flickered on, spilling a warm glow over Tommy’s body. Adam really looked at him then. Tommy’s face was still covered in tear tracks, last night’s eyeliner making a path down his cheeks. His eyes were filled with sadness, but there was also something else. There was a fondness in the way he was looking at Adam. 

The sense of alarm that had been rattling his body moments before faded away, because in that moment Adam knew that no matter the outcome, Tommy was worth it. The look in Tommy’s eyes was something akin to love. 

It didn’t matter whether Tommy was in love with him or not. Only that Tommy loved him. That would make wherever this ride ended worth it. They could share love and heartache, pain and happiness, and Adam would accept the end result. Adam just hoped that this ride ended with a smile. With those thoughts in mind, the next words came easily.

“We don’t have to tell your family, until you’re ready. Our Glamily already knows, but you know they wouldn’t betray our trust. I haven’t told my mom, much. She won’t say anything. And of course you know the fans have been speculating, so you need to be ready to handle them as always, but I’m not going to pressure you. We do this thing at your pace, just the way I promised you when we started.” 

“Thank you,” said Tommy, and for a minute the fear was back in his eyes before he snuggled into Adam’s arms. Adam kissed his cheek, and in the quiet of the early morning Tommy went lax with sleep against Adam’s chest. 

Adam wasn’t so sure he could sleep though, not now that he knew Tommy was afraid of such a natural part of himself. Tommy had always been accepting of Adam’s lifestyle and any of Adam’s friends he’d been around who were gay. He’d gone to gay bars with Adam before their relationship started, and never seemed phased when people thought he was gay. Something had changed though. Now Tommy was sleeping with a man. Adam supposed that made it different. He understood the fear of someone discovering his secret. He’d been a scared teenager when his dad found him looking at gay porn. Adam had been terrified in that moment. And then it hit him. Tommy had said his dad would never know. Was that what this was all about? Adam shook his head, his thoughts calming. Only time would tell, and now that he’d accepted that fact, he attempted to go back to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I made a note on chapter 7 but I'm not sure if everyone saw it. Due to a crazy month of death and disaster I used the wrong word doc draft of this fic to update. I don't know which chapters were involved but anything from chapters 7-14 could have been. I know there is a key dream in chapter 9 that was missing which is what made me realize my mistake. If you have time, please go back and read through these chapters. I never wanted the other version that was prior to final edits to be public. I am so sorry for this mix up.

Of all the fucking things he could have lost, it had to be his passport. After searching frantically he finally admitted it was a lost cause. Now he was stuck in customs. Adam was giving him this pitiful puppy face and Tommy didn’t know what to do. 

“Mr. Ratliff, we’re going to have to keep you here until we can get a temporary passport for you.” The woman’s voice was monotone and robotic. The distraught noise Adam made when he gripped Tommy’s hand wasn’t unexpected. He knew Adam was worried about him and about the show. Tommy needed to be in Singapore with the band, not stuck behind in fucking Hong Kong. 

“I’ll make it work,” Tommy assured Adam, desperately hoping it wasn’t a lie. “As soon as I get everything worked out here I’ll call Lane. She can sort out the flight details and I’ll get to Singapore just as soon as I possibly can.”

“I can’t leave you here by yourself.”

“You have to, Adam. The show can go on without me if I can’t make it in time, but all the fan girls who are paying to see Adam Lambert will be pretty fucking disappointed if he’s still in Hong Kong because of me. I have enough haters, go, before you miss your flight.”

Adam pulled Tommy into his arms and held him until the tension behind his fake smile eased a fraction. Tommy never understood how Adam made him feel so centered in moments when everything was going wrong. 

“I have my phone, I have my laptop, I’ll be fine,” Tommy promised, even though in his gut he didn’t want Adam to leave or to let him go. 

“I know, I just… I… be safe okay?” Adam squeezed him and Tommy breathed in Adam’s scent, nuzzling his nose into Adam’s neck. 

China… ya know being a rebellious rockstar and all that,” Tommy said against the soft skin just under Adam’s ear and Adam laughed. The sound wasn’t the normal hardy laugh Tommy was used to hearing. It was thin and sounded tinny in his ears.

Adam pulled away long enough to swat Tommy’s hand like he was scolding a toddler, then hugged him again and discreetly kissed his earlobe. “I’ll call you as soon as we land, okay? And call Lane as soon as you know something.”

“I will, mom,” Tommy huffed playfully and waved Adam off. Adam grabbed his carryon and shuffled away. Tommy was fine until Adam looked back. When he did, Tommy’s heart sank. How the hell was he going to get to Singapore in time for the show?

As it turned out the customs lady had an answer that involved a mountain of paperwork. And after he finished filling it all out, he was told it would still be a few hours. 

He sighed, left alone in the tiny room. He leaned forward in the chair and pillowed his head on his arms on the desk in front of him. Part of him was so overwhelmed by being alone he wanted to cry, and the other part wanted to replay what had happened when he’d visited home. It'd been the day after their final US tour date and he'd been completely wiped, but he'd known if he hadn't gone then, he never would have visited at all. 

Tommy cringed, but the memory slipped past his defenses and played like a movie without the option to hit stop. He could almost smell his mother’s perfume, the same familiar scent drifting into his nostrils like it had on that day…

Her smile was tight and didn’t quite reach her eyes. Lisa was there, too, and she hugged him soon after his mom let him go. 

Everything was the same. The picture frames that lined the mantle hadn’t changed, nor had the sound of the old grandfather clock ticking in the corner. His mom’s favorite chair was still covered with an old quilt his grandma had made years ago, the fabric well-worn and frayed with age. Everything was the same down to the scent of coffee brewing in the kitchen. 

But everything wasn’t the same, was it? In the short time since he’d been here in July, Tommy’s whole world was one he didn’t recognize. There was a hole in the fabric of this universe, one where his dad used to sit, in the rocking chair by the mantle. The rocking chair was there just as it had always been, the wood dark and lifeless, the polished sheen gone from years of wear. He almost expected his dad to come up the hallway mumbling about the weather, but the house was eerily quiet. Yet here Tommy was, still standing, staring at a void in his life that would never be repaired, so he did the only thing he could think of. He went over to the rocker and sat down. 

The emotions boiled over then, the memory fading as Tommy buried his face into the curve of his arm, tears spilling and quickly absorbing into his sleeve. He’d felt guilty throughout the whole visit. He hadn’t been there when his dad passed. He should’ve been there. Should have told his dad about finding someone who made him happy. Or as happy as he could be, given the situation. Maybe then he would’ve had the answers he so desperately craved. Would his dad have rejected him? Now it didn’t matter, now he was stuck with the guilt of not being there when his dad died. And stuck with the worry that his daddy might not approve of Adam. 

Growing up he’d never looked for his dad’s approval for anything. He’d been stubborn, headstrong and determined to make music his life. His dad had frowned, but had loved him no less. Tommy was sure that his dad was proud of him before he died, but would he have been proud if he’d known about Adam? All Tommy wanted was to hear the words, “it’s okay son, be happy,” but all he had were the phantom whispers of a nightmare: “No son of mine is going to be a fag.”

Several times during the visit he’d almost told Lisa, but every time he opened his mouth, his mom had walked in, and she had enough on her plate. 

His breath was coming in hiccups, heart thumping wildly when the sound of the door pulled him from his memories.

“Mr Ratliff, seems you’re in luck.” The woman (Zena, her nametag said), halted when she looked at Tommy. 

Zena didn’t make a big fuss, just calmly handed Tommy some tissues. Once he’d regained his composure, she handed him the documents he needed and advised him he could go. Stunned, Tommy took the documents, grabbed his carryon and headed out of customs, his phone already pressed to his ear.

“I know you’re still in flight, but… I got the temp passport and I’m calling Lane now. I… I’m on my way,” he said in a wavering voice, relieved at finally getting away from that room. Having too much time to think was dangerous.

Tommy dialed Lane, and while he was in the bathroom cleaning up, she texted him his flight information. He couldn’t believe it, but it looked like he was actually going to make it to Singapore, and in time to catch some sleep before the show.

…

Adam raked his finger through his hair and shifted once again in his seat. 

“Boo,” said Terrance. 

Adam looked over at his longtime friend and sighed, the agitation of the day boiling hot under his skin. It didn’t help to be stuck on a plane knowing that Tommy was left behind. In China, of all fucking places. After this it would be hard to resist carrying Tommy’s passport for him so things like this wouldn’t happen again. It’s not that he was worried about the show; the show would go on no matter what. Right now he was worried about Tommy. 

“Ter…” Adam paused and rested his elbows on the fold out tray. He leaned down and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t want the public, or even Terrance, to see him like this. Terrance had seen enough of Adam’s shit through the years.

“He’s a big boy, he’ll be fine,” Terrance whispered.

“I know,” Adam whispered back. “I just… I really haven’t had the chance to talk to him. He visited his mom while we were back home. I’m worried about him. It’s the first time he’s been back since his dad died,” Adam confessed, wiping tiredly at his eyes, eye makeup be damned. 

“You can’t fight his battles for him. You know he’s gotta work through those demons. You can be there for him, but you can’t make them go away.” Terrance reached over and squeezed Adam’s shoulder.

“You think I don’t know that? But you haven’t been there.” The words came out louder than he’d intended and he turned away, gazing out the window for a second until the eyes on him retreated. “You don’t know what it’s been like,” he said, whispering again. “He’s woken me up so many times in the middle of the night having nightmares. He won’t talk to me about them and he just cries until he goes back to sleep. Ter, it’s been that way since he got that call from his mom, since that first night he slept in my bed.”

“He seems to be doing better. I mean he’s been smiling and joking around with us again.” Terrance caught Adam’s gaze. “Okay, spill, what aren’t you telling me?”

“The last hotel night, before flying home… he asked me if I thought he was gay.” Adam mouthed the last word, unable to say it aloud for fear of being overheard. “It’s like he’s terrified he might be. I told him I thought he was probably bi. I know what you’re going to say…if he breaks my heart it’s not like I didn’t have a million warning signs. At the same time, it might work.”

“That’s like saying a chicken might fly,” said Terrance. “They have wings but it doesn’t get them very far. You know I love Tommy, we all do, but you’ve got to stop playing with the little straight boys who are secretly closet cases.”

“You don’t understand. He’s not trying to hurt me, he’s just scared. I remember being that scared kid, afraid someone would find out I was different. I can handle the fact he’s afraid and not ready to own it. It took time for me to be ready too.”

Terrance eyed Adam for a moment, then shook his head and sighed. “Well, you seem to know what you’re getting into, so if you need me, you know I’ll listen.”

“Thanks, it means a lot.”

“Anytime,” said Terrance. 

After that Adam eased back into his seat. There wasn’t anything he could do to help Tommy right now, so he tried to get some rest. He closed his eyes. The next thing he knew, Terrance was shaking him awake and telling him they had landed. 

Adam fished his phone from his pocket and turned it on, still fighting grogginess. He yawned and stretched while his phone booted up, but didn’t move from his seat until he retrieved his voicemail. He sagged with relief at the sound of Tommy’s voice. Tommy was on his way. Adam quickly returned the call, already knowing he would get Tommy’s voicemail. He left a short message anyway and then shoved his phone back in his pocket and grabbed his carryon from under the seat.

The airport was a mass of screaming fans and Adam was relieved when they managed to get out of there and to the hotel. It had been an incredibly long day and all he wanted was to have Tommy by his side, but judging by the text from Lane, Tommy wouldn’t get in until late that night. Adam scarfed down some dinner in his suite with the band, but as soon as they drifted off to their rooms, he headed straight to bed. Unfortunately, sleeping wasn’t an option. There was a car-racing event right next to his hotel, and the noise from the racetrack was incredibly loud. So Adam took to his phone, scrolling through twitter to pass the time. 

Time slowed down to a snail’s pace and before long Adam was twitchy and anxious all over again. He just wanted Tommy there with him, in his bed. Instead he was stuck alone, waiting. Waiting meant time to think, time to question and time to doubt. He’d had plenty of that. He knew he was doomed, because with every passing day he fell a little more in love with Tommy. Adam couldn’t bring himself to say it though; it would only send Tommy into another fit of panic. If he couldn’t handle the thought of people thinking he was gay, he sure is hell wouldn’t be able to handle the fact that a guy was in love with him. Or at least that’s what Adam thought, and he wasn’t about to test his theory any time soon. 

Adam knew he was playing with fire. He’d been through this before. The little straight boys who’d been enamored with him, but so scared that they couldn’t get over their fears. He knew the signs. And yet here he was, pining over the fact Tommy wasn’t in his bed. Adam groaned and flipped over onto his belly, tugging his pillow close. Think positive, he reminded himself. Tommy isn’t like those other guys. Tommy had been a friend long before he’d become a lover; surely that meant they had a chance. Things could work out and they could easily defy the odds. _And if we can’t?_

Adam refused to give it further thought, for today anyway. He grabbed the TV remote and flicked it on. The volume was just loud enough to dampen the racetrack noise. With nothing else to do, he settled in to watch the images play on the screen without really having any idea what he was watching. The shows melted from one to the next as the hours dragged by until finally his ringtone for Tommy, 20th Century Boy, started playing. He snatched his phone from his pocket and quickly hit the power button on the remote.

“Hey, how was the flight?” Adam asked, knowing how much Tommy hated flying on an average day. 

“Let’s just say the person beside me had a fucking awful grasp of hygiene. Not to mention I was freaking out over being so high the air, and the bastard wouldn’t close the window, even after I asked nicely. As soon as the flight attendant came through I managed to get some alcohol in me. That made the whole thing a little more tolerable. I’m so ready for the day to be over though. I’m dead on my feet.”

“Well, as soon as you make it to the hotel you can grab a bite to eat and join me in this nice big bed. It’s way too big for just me.” Adam wanted to get Tommy’s mind off the annoyances of the day.

“Bed, yeah, bed,” Tommy said longingly. “Listen I’m gonna let you go, bags are finally coming in from the flight. I’ll be there as soon as I can get my suitcase. Lane said she hired a car for me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you when you get in. What can I order from room service for you?”

“I would say tacos, if they’re on the menu, but hell it doesn’t matter. Right now I would probably eat a salad if you put it in front of me.” Tommy’s laughed and it made Adam smile.

“Alright, I’ll see what I can find on the menu that isn’t rabbit food,” Adam promised, and they exchanged goodbyes. 

Adam grabbed the room service menu. Tommy definitely wouldn’t be having tacos, but Adam snatched the phone and requested the biggest burger on the menu and an order of fries. He also added a beer to be brought up with the meal. That should be enough to satisfy Tommy. Once he was finished with the call he took out a bottle of water from the mini fridge beside the bed. 

Waiting was always what Adam sucked at the most. It gave him too much time to think. Tonight was going to be fine. Focus on the now, worry about the future when it comes, he told himself. Tonight he was going to have Tommy safely back in his bed and if Tommy wanted to talk, Adam would listen. Otherwise, they would snuggle up and get some sleep before the show tomorrow. Simple. Right? Maybe. 

There was a soft knock on the door and Adam jumped up and peeked through the peephole. The sight of Tommy made him want to squeal like a girl, but he swallowed the sound in favor of yanking the door open. Tommy gave him a tired smile and shuffled into the room, dragging his luggage behind him.

“From now on, I’m carrying your passport with me,” said Adam softly, but he meant every word. When Tommy got his things inside, Adam shut the door behind him and practically pounced on him like an overexcited puppy. He clung to Tommy, rubbing his hand over Tommy’s back, pleased when Tommy relaxed into his hold. “I was worried,” Adam admitted into the softness of Tommy’s hair. 

“Told you it would be fine. I’m here now,” Tommy replied, squeezing Adam around the middle and nuzzling his nose into Adam’s neck. 

They jumped when another knock sounded. “Room service,” a man chirped. Adam again checked the peephole and then opened the door, allowing the gentleman to bring in the tray with Tommy’s meal. “Will that be all Mr. Lambert?” 

“No, wait a sec.” Adam reached into his back pocket and retrieved his wallet. He grabbed the only cash he had on him and handed it to the guy. “Thanks so much.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Lambert. If you need any further assistance please call. Have a wonderful night.” The guy turned and let himself out of the room. Adam flipped the lock and then shuffled back to the bed. The tray was sitting on the desk by the bed and Tommy was still standing in the middle of the room. Poor guy looked zoned out. 

“Hey, come on, food.” Adam snapped his fingers until Tommy finally returned from wherever he’d gone. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry… so tired.” 

“Then bring the tray over and eat in bed.”

“Are you sure? I know how you hate crumbs.”

“Yeah, just this once,” said Adam, smiling. “After the day you’ve had working your butt off to make it in time for the show, you can have dinner in bed.”

“Thanks,” Tommy murmured, and grabbed the tray from the desk, shuffling over until he reached the bed. He carefully set the tray down, kicked off his shoes and crawled into bed.

They made small talk while Tommy had dinner, and by the time he was finishing up he was yawning in between bites. Adam took the tray back to the desk and caught sight of Tommy undressing. Tommy seemed unconcerned about anything but getting some sleep, and in moments like these Adam could really look at him. When Tommy was fully nude he climbed onto the bed, not yet bothering with the sheets. Adam was frozen for a moment. Tommy was beautiful. All pale skin only broken up by ink here and there. There was even a smaller tattoo that none of the fans had gotten to see. A small skull and crossbones stood out in sharp relief on Tommy’s hip. It was fairly new, the product of their last trip to the tattoo parlor. 

“You just gonna stand there?”

“No, gonna crawl in bed with you.” Adam shucked his clothes quickly and hopped up on the bed. With a little wiggling and a lot of maneuvering, he managed to get them both under the covers. Tommy curled close and Adam sighed happily. This is what he’d been wanting all day. 

“Adam,” Tommy whispered, his voice barely more than a breath of air against Adam’s chest.

Adam hummed in reply.

“I visited my mom, and everything was still the same.” Tommy shifted closer and wrapped himself around Adam. Adam petted Tommy’s hair and waited for him to continue. Finally after a few long minutes Tommy went on. “I guess I expected everything to be different, but it all looked the same. I was waiting for dad to walk up the hallway. Even knowing he wasn’t there. I sat down in his rocking chair and Adam, I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back there again. It was all I could do to keep it together in front of my mom. And fuck, I tried to talk to Lisa about us, but mom kept walking in.” 

“I know that everyone who’s lost a loved one hates to hear it, but time will distance you from the pain and grief. Going there won’t hurt as much. It will just remind you of good things that happened there with your dad through the years,” said Adam calmly, even though his insides were twisted by the hurt expression on Tommy’s face. “And you can talk to Lisa when we get back home if you still want to. Meet up with her for lunch or something. Or if you don’t want to wait, you could always call her.”

“I just don’t know when the hurting is gonna stop. And Lisa, she… I don’t want to tell her on the phone. I guess it will have to wait.” Tommy sounded defeated, and Adam felt a few stray tears spilling onto his chest. It was still strange seeing Tommy cry. He’d never seen Tommy this way up until his dad got sick. Tommy usually just shut down when he was upset. Sure it was healthy for him to get it out, but that didn’t make it easy to watch. 

“It’s gonna be okay, and I’ll be right here for you anytime you wanna talk. And if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay, too.” 

“Thanks,” Tommy sniffled.

When Tommy finally calmed, Adam turned off the lamp and let the darkness settle over them.


	16. Chapter 16

After the show in Nagoya, Adam and Tommy ended up in Adam's hotel suite. It was tiny, much smaller than Tommy had expected, but it didn't really matter. He'd had a few too many, and with the amount of alcohol coursing through his veins, he didn't care if they were on the moon as long as it meant some time alone with Adam. In this room they were away from screaming fans and prying eyes. Tommy could run his fingers along Adam’s bare hip, and the only sound in the room was the whisper of his fingertips and Adam’s sharp gasp. 

Tommy felt warm and loose. Adam had his fingers tangled in the sheets, his head thrown back on the pillow, and his cock, fuck, that huge cock was hard and drooling on his freckled belly. Tommy could never get over how pretty Adam looked like this, the warm flush of arousal on his skin, a sheen of sweat making it glisten in the light from the lamp. For probably the millionth time Tommy thought about playing connect the dots with Adam’s freckles using his tongue. Before he could change his mind, he leaned forward and licked a freckle right under Adam’s nipple. 

“Fuck,” Adam whined, cutting through the quiet of the room. 

Tommy swallowed a laugh and trailed his tongue down to a freckle just above Adam’s navel, not an inch from Adam’s swollen length. Tommy shivered at the gorgeous noise he elicited and couldn’t resist the temptation of tasting the liquid that had pooled on Adam’s tummy. Tommy wasn’t ready to try blowing Adam yet, but the flavor on his tongue was sharp, musky, and not unpleasant. 

“Tommy, fuck, please…” 

Tommy smirked and looked up at Adam. All inhibitions silenced by the booze, Tommy didn’t hold back. He batted his lashes and licked his lips, giving Adam his best pout. “Did you want something?” 

“Touch me?”

Tommy obliged, fingers curling under Adam’s chin, arranging Adam just the way he wanted before bending down for a kiss. Adam groaned into Tommy’s mouth, a hand cupping the back of his neck and drawing him down further. It wasn’t what Adam had been asking for, Tommy knew, but he seemed pacified and Tommy wasn’t going to argue when Adam’s lips made arousal spike low in his belly. 

The good thing about alcohol was that it slowed down his response. While that was a negative in most situations, it made sex last longer, slowed down the need, and let it simmer under his skin. Right now he just wanted to make Adam feel good. 

The kiss came to an end and Tommy reached for Adam’s cock. He’d learned through a handful of encounters just the way Adam liked it and he wanted to give him just that. Though something in his hazy mind brought back a flash from a dream, Adam fingering him open in his childhood bedroom. His brain to mouth filter must’ve been on the fritz because the next thing he knew words were coming out of his mouth unchecked.

“How does it feel to get fingered?” Tommy was curious, but also wary at the idea of it being done to him. 

Adam made a garbled noise, hand flying to Tommy’s wrist and halting Tommy’s movements. Tommy took the hint and let go, and even though he was embarrassed at what he’d just asked, he was curious too. His need for an answer was apparently more important than crawling under something and hiding. Adam looked flustered. It seemed like he needed a minute to calm down and put his thoughts together, so Tommy waited patiently. Then Adam finally looked at him, breathing a bit calmer.

“You’ve never tried it on your own?” 

Tommy blushed. “Guess it never occurred to me. Getting off has always just meant a fun time with my hand on my dick.”

“Tommy, it… it’s a whole different kind of feeling. It’s not something I can really describe other than telling you the pleasure is a lot deeper and much more intense.” 

“Oh, so you like it?” Tommy asked, and he was honestly shocked. He couldn’t imagine what anyone would get out of it. He’d grown up hearing about the horrors of prostate exams from crude late night TV and when he was old enough he’d definitely been mortified to know what it meant. To think that someone would actually want to have a finger shoved up there was something Tommy couldn’t quite wrap his head around.

“Yeah, sometimes when I have the time alone I like to finger myself, I mean you already know I don’t bottom much. When I do bottom though, it’s enjoyable. You know, if it would help you to see someone else’s reaction to it… you could finger me if you wanted.”

“Really? You would want me to do that?” Tommy asked, and observed the way Adam’s dick twitched. He wasn’t sure how to feel, but it wasn’t like him not to try something before making a judgment. 

“Yeah, feels good and I get to share something new with you.” Adam’s smile made Tommy’s cock pay attention, going from mostly soft to semi hard. Tommy ignored it in favor of reaching for the lube on the side table. He’d originally intended to use it during the hand job, but now it had a whole new purpose.

…

“Okay, so just get your fingers slick.”

Tommy nodded and popped the cap on the lube. Adam couldn’t hold back a shiver as he watched. He hoped giving Tommy a look at how much pleasure he got from fingering might ease Tommy’s nerves. Surely it couldn’t hurt; he hadn’t lied when he said how much he enjoyed it. The only reason he didn’t bottom more often is because he didn’t like being that vulnerable unless he really trusted the person. Part of him wondered: _If Tommy ever showed interest, should I offer to let him fuck me?_ He pushed away the thoughts and focused once more.

“You’re going to have to talk to me, Adam. I don’t know what I’m doing here. With women it’s easy, I know I’m not going to injure them.”

“You’re not going to hurt me either, and I promise I’ll let you know if you do something I don’t like. Just take it slow, touch me, and get me slick. You’ll know when you can push in, you’ll feel my body relax.” Adam spread his thighs, giving Tommy room to crawl between them. He could see the hesitance in Tommy’s face and he brushed Tommy’s calf with his toes.

“Okay,” Tommy sighed, and then leaned forward with a hand on the back of Adam’s thigh, his lubed hand tracing slowly below Adam’s balls. Adam held his breath until he felt Tommy’s finger circling his hole. He let the breath out slowly and made a concentrated effort to relax, even though he wasn’t sure how Tommy was going to react to all of this. Tommy was drunk, his normal worries seemed further away, but hopefully he wouldn’t regret this in the morning. Adam groaned softly when Tommy pushed a finger partially inside him. It scattered his thoughts, and all he could concentrate on was the feel of something penetrating his body. It was welcomed and he wiggled his hips trying to get Tommy to give him more.

Tommy picked it up quickly and Adam soon told him to add another finger. 

“Like this?” Tommy questioned, eyes flitting to Adam’s face.

“Just, like that only curl your fingers like you’re making a ‘come here’ motion. You should feel a bump inside me.”

Tommy’s tongue was stuck out of the side of his mouth in concentration and it was all Adam could do to breathe. The anticipation rose to a fever pitch, and then Tommy was there, his fingers rubbing Adam’s prostate. 

“There, fuck, right there,” he gasped. His body felt electric with Tommy thrusting fingers inside him, bumping his spot every time. It was amazing and so good he couldn’t resist grabbing his cock. He stroked it along with Tommy’s rhythm and it wasn’t long before the deep-set pleasure poured through his body. He cried out and milked every last bit of come from his dick until his body went lax. Tommy removed his fingers and Adam groaned, then looked up. Tommy was sitting on his haunches and looking slightly grossed out by the mess of lube on his fingers. 

“Grab my shirt…use it to wipe your hand,” Adam offered.

“No, that’s okay, I think I’ll go wash my hands,” said Tommy, getting up off the bed and heading to the bathroom.

Adam sighed. This was not exactly the way he’d envisioned this ending. He’d been hoping to have an aroused Tommy to play with, but when Tommy returned he knew the night was done. Tommy crawled into bed beside him, but was careful of the mess on Adam’s stomach. Adam got out of bed and quickly cleaned up. He was disappointed, but he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to pressure Tommy, so he climbed into bed and turned off the lamps without a word. 

Nothing was said, but Tommy snuggled up to him and for a while they laid together, Tommy tracing patterns on Adam’s stomach. He rubbed Tommy’s back and somehow or another got the feeling that while Tommy might be freaking out a little, in the morning things would be okay.


	17. Chapter 17

They finally had a day off after the Sydney show and instead of sightseeing with everyone else, Tommy and Adam opted to stay in Adam’s room on the bus. It was time to catch up on TV shows and catnaps. 

Tommy was comfortable, warm and cozy in the space between Adam’s thighs, his back resting against Adam. Adam had an arm around his bare chest and tapped out a rhythm every now and again against his skin. It was easy to be with Adam like this. The time passed unnoticed while they were wrapped up in the TV. 

Tommy drifted in and out of sleep, but suddenly a woman’s piercing scream startled him awake. Adam, as usual, was there hugging him closer, whispering reassurances in his ear. Tommy smiled and twisted around to kiss Adam’s cheek. 

“You okay?” Adam asked, breath warm against his earlobe. 

“Mmm, yeah, screaming bitch just startled me. Still wanna sleep,” Tommy murmured. 

“We can turn off the TV and lie down. I think I could use a nap, too. Gotta sleep whenever we get the chance with our schedule.” Adam’s laughed softly and Tommy nodded his agreement.

It was natural to shift and squirm until they were vertical. Adam rolled onto his side. It was second nature for Tommy to mimic Adam so when all was said and done he was the little spoon. It was good though, he was getting used to having someone around who worried and cared this much about him. The only other relationship he’d had lately had been with Delmy, and that was no real relationship at all. She was just a girl that had tried to change him at every turn and left him questioning why the hell he’d wanted to be with her to begin with. That was a distant memory though; with Adam’s scent all around him, Tommy felt loved. 

“Thanks,” Tommy whispered.

“For what?”

“These past few months haven’t been easy for me, but you’ve been the calm in the middle of my nightmares,” Tommy said honestly.

“You don’t have to thank me for that, baby. I know you would do the same for me.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling I could ask you to buy me the moon and you’d find a way to do it,” Tommy said with a slight giggle. 

“I’d try my damndest. Only the best for you. I just want to see you laugh again, like before.” 

“It will never be like before. My whole world has changed. I’m trying though. I don’t want to be a basket case forever.” But Tommy was worried, afraid that he’d always be…damaged, and hoped that he wouldn’t leave behind a trail of disasters wherever he went. 

…

_Tommy was mewling so pretty with each thrust of Adam’s fingers inside him. Adam couldn’t believe how beautiful Tommy was. Tommy opened up for him like he was born for it, and Adam groaned. He pulled his fingers from Tommy and Tommy’s hole spasmed at the loss. The noise that came from Tommy’s mouth was even better. Like Adam had just taken away Tommy’s favorite guitar and told him he wouldn’t give it back. It was a desperate plea._

_“Fuck, do something,” Tommy moaned, so Adam did. He reached for a condom and quickly rolled it down his cock. He lubed his dick and positioned himself at Tommy’s hole._

_Adam wasn’t ready. He would never be ready for the sight in front of him. Tommy thrust back onto his dick like he was made to take it, like a porn star, even though it was the first time he’d taken Adam’s dick. Hell it was the first time Tommy had taken a dick at all. The thought had Adam grasping at Tommy’s hips, holding him still while he panted and tried his damndest think of something distracting so that he wouldn’t come._ Missed the half off jacket sale! Store was out of glitter! _Then Tommy whined and shifted his hips._

_“Damnit Tommy, be still!”_ Losing my iPhone. _That one finally pushed everything back to a level he could handle, and he released the death grip on Tommy’s hips._

_“Okay, I’m okay,” said Adam._

_But Tommy took matters into his own hands, and even in doggy position Adam wasn’t the one in control. Tommy was rearing back on his dick like he needed it, making these breathy whines and hurt noises that Adam had never heard from him before. Why on earth hadn’t they done this sooner? Tommy was so responsive, crying out every time Adam hit his prostate. He could tell from the way Tommy was losing his rhythm and the speed at which Tommy stroked his cock that he was close. Adam groaned when Tommy tightened around him; he was so close to coming he could taste it, but something tugged at the back of his mind._

_Tommy came, wailing loudly, and then melted away._

“Adam, Adam…” 

Tommy’s panicked voice drew him from the dream and when he finally realized what was going on, he was petrified. Somehow while he was sleeping he’d rolled halfway on top of Tommy. He’d pinned Tommy to the bed and from the damp feel of his underwear he’d probably been humping Tommy’s ass for all it was worth.

“Fuck,” Adam grated out, and rolled off. Tommy’s fear was palpable, his face pale. “Sorry, fuck, I’m so sorry. I… I was dreaming.”

“It’s… I just woke up pinned to the bed,” Tommy squeaked. 

“I didn’t mean to. I’ve never… I’ve never had that happen before.” Adam reached out to Tommy, coaxing him in until he could hug him. He was mortified that even with Tommy looking like he’d just seen a ghost, his dick was still hard, the dream dancing way too close to the surface.

“I’m okay… I was just. I’ve never woke up like that either. For a minute I didn’t know where I was and then I felt you.”

“I’m sorry about that, too. You know I would never do that kind of thing without your consent.”

“I know, it’s fine. It just caught me off guard. We were both in underwear, no damage done,” said Tommy, but Adam knew it wasn’t that simple. Tommy was still trembling slightly in his arms. 

The next morning when Adam woke up Tommy was plastered to his side, looking at him through dark eyelashes. He saw none of the fear in Tommy's eyes from last night, and when Tommy pressed a soft kiss to his lips, Adam knew he hadn't completely fucked things up.


	18. Chapter 18

The show had been amazing, and Tommy was high on the crowd’s energy. When they returned to the stage for the encore he expected it to be business as usual, but then Monte started playing the riff to Enter Sandman. Adam told the crowd it was Tommy’s birthday so they were doing his favorite song. 

It wasn’t technically his birthday for another couple of hours, but fuck yes. He grinned and joined in on bass and then Adam admitted to the crowd he only kinda knew the lyrics. Tommy didn’t care, Adam could sing the chorus over and over again and it would be perfect because he was getting to play Enter Sandman, on a stage in front of hundreds of screaming fans. For a minute he flashed back to being a teenager with his guitar strapped on, rocking the fuck out to this song for hours and dreaming of playing it onstage. Now he was and it was all because of Adam. His heart fluttered when he looked up. Adam was crooking his finger in a come hither motion. He swallowed his nerves and went to Adam. Adam was all smiles with his finger underneath Tommy’s chin.

“Happy birthday, Tommy,” Adam said into the microphone, and used his hand to bring Tommy’s chin up into a kiss. It was more than fan service, longer, deeper, and when they parted Tommy was glad for his bass. His body reacted to Adam and he was doing his best not to grind his hips into his instrument. 

The show would be over soon and then Tommy could show Adam exactly how thankful he was for such a thoughtful early birthday present. 

But things didn’t go quite as he planned. When they headed off stage to the roar of the fans it seemed everyone already had plans for him. Once they were out of their stage clothes, everyone headed back to the hotel and piled into Adam’s suite. Tommy shouldn’t have been, but he was surprised at the birthday cake and gifts piled around on the table beside it. He smiled and looked around at all of his friends. They had put this all together for him without him ever suspecting anything, so he went with it. Taylor dutifully lit the candles and somehow managed not to burn himself. When Taylor was finished there were so many little flickers on the cake that Tommy felt old. He blew them out, skipping out on a wish because he was so lucky already, and then everyone flopped down around the room with pieces of cake and cups full of mixed drinks. 

After everyone was sufficiently tipsy, Tommy started opening presents. Time after time he was amazed at how thoughtful his friends were. There were several horror movie shirts from Terrance, a beautiful collage of photos from the tour from Brooke, and many other things that left him in awe. Adam’s gift came last because Tommy had intentionally saved it.

“Hope you like it, baby,” said Adam, and he leaned over and kissed Tommy on the cheek to the awws and coos of their friends. 

Tommy unwrapped the package, slowly and carefully, and underneath he discovered a plain black box. He didn’t know why he was nervous, but this felt significant, important, and his hand was shaking slightly when he opened the lid. He couldn’t hold back the gasp. There, cradled in purple velvet was a skeleton key on a chain. It was clearly an antique, but there was something even more to it…a mystical kind of energy that Tommy felt drawn to.

“I…” Adam’s voice made Tommy turn to look up at him, “found it while we were in Bali. A street vendor was selling all kinds of vintage things. He was English. I spoke to him while I was trying to decide and he finally told me that this piece was the only key he had that hadn’t been made for jewelry. He’d come across it years ago in his grandmother’s home. He’d been so taken by it that he held onto it all these years, but he felt it was time for it to find a new home. The only thing he changed about it was adding the little piece of sugilite, there.” Adam pointed to the tiny purple stone near the top. “He said it was a stone that helped with grieving. I know you don’t believe in all of that stuff, but I figured it couldn’t hurt. I would’ve bought it no matter the stone anyway.”

Tommy swallowed hard. The idea that this was his first birthday without his dad was something he hadn’t thought of up until that moment. Tommy took the necklace from the box and carefully slipped it over his head. “It…thank you. It’s beautiful.” Tommy let himself feel what he was going to feel, the pain and heartache of not getting that goofy call from his dad in the morning. It hurt, but at the same time he knew his dad had been proud of him, and with that thought the tension in his body eased. He smiled and grabbed Adam’s hand. “So aren’t you guys supposed to like sing to me or something? It’s after midnight.”

Adam’s laughter was a welcome sound in his ears along with everyone singing Happy Birthday to him. Tommy grinned, joy replacing the grief that had tried to draw him under. Maybe he was going to make it after all.

After a couple more drinks and lots of hugs everyone finally said goodbye and Tommy was alone with Adam. He wanted to give Adam a very special thank you for the night. 

“Let’s go to bed. I wanna say thanks for tonight,” Tommy purred, and waggled his eyebrow at Adam. He knew it was cheesy, but he was happy and judging by Adam’s chuckle Adam didn’t mind. “Enter Sandman, seriously I can’t believe you guys kept it from me,” Tommy continued while they headed to the bedroom. He flicked on the light and quickly shed his clothing. Without a word Adam followed suit. “And the necklace…” Tommy fingered the warm piece of brass that hung low on his chest. Now he would always have a piece of Adam with him, and the length of the chain meant that there wouldn’t be a million fan girls trying to figure out the significance. 

“I’m just glad you had a good night. I wanted to do something special for you,” said Adam from his spot sprawled out in the middle of the king sized bed. 

“Well, isn’t that a coincidence, because tonight I wanna do something special for you.” Tommy wasn’t sure exactly how this was going to work. He knew the mechanics of a blow job and had received a few good ones in his lifetime, but wasn’t sure how it was going to feel on the giving end. He wanted to try for Adam and he was open-minded to a new experience. Plus, Adam wouldn’t judge him if it was terrible, and he would learn. Tommy crawled onto the bed and did his best impression of a porn star pout while he climbed up between Adam’s spread thighs.

“You don’t have to do anything, you know that’s not why I wanted to do those things for you.” Adam’s voice was hesitant, like he was worrying too much as usual.

“I know. I’m not doing this because I feel obligated. It’s just, no one has ever given me a gift like this and I wanna do this for you.” Tommy got comfortable on his stomach, his arms resting on either side of Adam’s torso. He watched Adam get hard, watched the way Adam’s dick twitched under his gaze. He smiled and kissed the soft skin of Adam’s sac. The noise Adam made was gorgeous and he took it in. Adam smelled like the sandalwood body wash he’d used to rinse off at the venue and Tommy noticed the neatly trimmed patch of ginger pubic hair. He nuzzled his face against Adam’s hip and shivered when Adam’s fingers laced through his hair. 

“Okay?” Adam asked.

“Fine, perfect,” he replied, and slid over just enough so that Adam’s length was right there. Tommy gave it a tentative kiss and really took in the way it looked. Adam was hard, his length flushed red with the excess blood trapped there and upon closer inspection he noticed light, barely there freckles dotting Adam’s shaft. He could do this. This was Adam and Adam would tell him what worked. “Gonna try to blow you. Gotta tell me if I’m doing something wrong.”

Adam groaned and gripped Tommy’s hair tighter before releasing it completely. “I… yeah, okay. Just take it slow. Don’t try to take too much. You won’t be able to fit it all in your mouth so don’t try,” Adam advised, his voice trembling only slightly. 

Tommy could feel the tension in Adam’s body and he wasn’t sure if it was from anticipation or nervousness. Maybe both. Tommy would take Adam’s words to heart though. He wrapped his fingers around the base and wiggled until he was comfortable and able to reach the head easily. He gave it a tentative lick, tasting the bitterness pooled at the slit. Not unpleasant, so he wrapped his lips around the head and flicked his tongue against the glans. Adam gasped and bucked slightly, not enough to hinder Tommy, but Adam still muttered curses and apologies. Tommy wasn’t worried about it. He took his time, slowly inching his way down until he couldn’t take anymore. What he couldn’t fit into his mouth he put his hand around and then he started to suck. He knew the dynamics of it and had sucked on a Popsicle or two in his lifetime. It really wasn’t all that different. 

“Fuck!” Adam gasped.

Well, except for that. Popsicles didn’t curse and they surely weren’t this blood hot in his mouth. It was good though, he was fine. He could tell Adam was holding back, keeping very still and letting him take his time. It wasn’t as bad as he expected honestly. Yeah, his jaw was starting to ache, and precum wasn’t exactly something he’d go to for quality of flavor, but Adam’s reactions were worth it. Being able to turn Adam into a moaning, whining ball of arousal was kind of amazing. It gave him a definite ego boost. 

“Little faster, please baby,” Adam begged.

Tommy obliged him, bobbing his head faster, jacking faster with his hand on the portion that wouldn’t fit into his mouth. Before his brain could catch up Adam’s fingers were in his hair trying to pull him off, but Tommy didn’t want to. 

“Shit! Tommy, I’m gonna come, unless you wanna mouth full of…”

Tommy felt the first gush of Adam’s come in his mouth. With just the head in his mouth he worked Adam through it with his hand, letting Adam ride out his orgasm. When Adam finally went still and silent Tommy wrinkled his nose and pulled off. His mouth was full of hot come and he could feel the excess that wouldn’t fit in his mouth trailing down his chin. Without looking at Adam he got up off the bed and headed to the bathroom. There was no way he could swallow it without gagging so he did what he had to do and spit the contents into the toilet. He gave it a quick flush, wiped drool and come from his chin with toilet paper, and rinsed out his mouth several times with water. 

When Tommy returned to the bed Adam looked pensive. Tommy used a finger underneath Adam’s chin to get Adam to face him. “Hey, what’s with that face?”

“I just… you hated it.” Adam sounded defeated. 

Tommy didn’t think Adam would listen if he denied it so he grabbed Adam’s hand and directed it to his dick. He was still hard. He had learned a lesson. From now on he would blow Adam and let Adam pull him off when he came. Just because he didn’t like the taste of come didn’t mean he didn’t get off on what he was able to do to Adam. “Does it feel like I hated it? I just couldn’t swallow, that’s all. I didn’t know how it would feel. I wanted to try it. From now on I’ll let you pull me off,” Tommy promised and pecked Adam on the lips.

The tension in Adam’s body melted away and they kissed for several minutes. Tommy loved this, loved the way Adam’s lips felt against his and how passionate Adam was. He had never met anyone like Adam and he didn’t think he ever would again. He was lucky.

… 

Adam would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved by the fact Tommy didn’t hate sucking his dick after all. No, Tommy’s technique wasn’t perfect, not even close, but it made Adam so horny to have Tommy’s lips wrapped around him. It was like every dream he’d ever had about Tommy’s sinful fucking mouth. And unless Tommy told him to stop, he was going to return the favor and suck Tommy’s brain out of his dick. 

Adam honestly couldn’t say how long he’d wanted to get his mouth on Tommy’s perfect dick. Probably since the first time he’d caught sight of Tommy half hard after a show in a dressing room backstage. Way before Adam had ever had any inclination he might actually get to blow him someday. And that day was going to be today, he hoped.

“Gonna finally get my mouth on your cock.” He purred the words against Tommy’s lips and Tommy groaned. That gorgeous noise was followed quickly by Tommy’s lips enthusiastically kissing and licking into his mouth. Adam was going to take that as a yes, then. He pulled out of the kiss and trailed his lips down to Tommy’s collarbone. He nipped and suckled the skin there until it was purple and he knew Tommy would be sporting a hickie in the morning. His dick gave a halfhearted twitch at the idea. Tommy wearing his marks. One day he wanted to lay Tommy out on a bed, preferably his bed, when they had nowhere to be for days. He would need plenty of time to mark as much of Tommy’s fair skin as possible and after hours of sucking up love bites he would finally let Tommy come. In his mind’s eye he could see it, Tommy desperate, his cock leaking onto his belly after Adam bit and nibbled every inch of flesh he could get his mouth on. 

Adam breathed against Tommy’s nipple, kissed it, nipped at the other one and then kissed down Tommy’s torso until he reached his navel. There he breathed Tommy in, letting Tommy’s musky scent fill his senses. And then much the way Tommy had earlier, Adam studied Tommy. The way Tommy’s skin was pink and flushed, the way his cock, hard and curved lay in a nest of dirty blond curls. His mouth watered at the sight and he couldn’t resist any longer. He had to taste him. 

Adam licked from Tommy’s balls, up his shaft, and then finally he reached the head, tongue dancing in the slit. Tommy’s flavor burst on his tongue and he wanted more, needed more so he drew Tommy’s cock between his lips. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Tommy panted, and then he felt Tommy’s fingers in his hair, grip tightening, trying to pull Adam further down on his dick.

Adam let Tommy pull him down and soon he was relaxing his throat until his nose was buried in hair. From there Tommy writhed on the bed, thrusting in and out of Adam’s mouth until Adam was sure his voice would be raw and abused in the morning. Thankfully he wouldn’t have to sing tonight and even if he had to he wouldn’t stop this. 

Adam looked up at Tommy, watched Tommy throw his head back and groan like Adam was torturing him. The swirl of his tongue on the head made Tommy buck and curse. He smiled around his mouthful and used a hand to cup and tug at Tommy’s balls. He felt the warm weight of Tommy’s dick pulse and swell even further in his mouth and knew by the way Tommy’s hips faltered that he was close. 

“Fuck, gonna…” Tommy warned and Adam just took Tommy’s length down his throat, swallowing convulsively to enhance the sensation of Tommy’s orgasm. It seemed to do the trick if the noises Tommy made were any indication. When he let Tommy slip from his mouth he panted, pulling air into his lungs. His gag reflex was nonexistent, so deep throating had never been an issue, but the burn in his lungs from having his airway blocked was heady and left him feeling high. 

Adam flopped down on the bed beside Tommy. Tommy was still and silent, but the look of contentment on his face quelled any worries Adam had about how Tommy would react in the aftermath. Tommy seemed content to lie there so Adam snuggled close to his side and nuzzled Tommy’s cheek. Tommy turned his head and they kissed, slowly, while Adam reached down and cupped Tommy’s dick. The touch made Tommy shiver and Adam giggled against Tommy’s lips. 

“Sensitive?”

“Yeah,” Tommy replied, voice breathy, eyes crinkled shut.

“You can tell me to stop,” Adam said, circling Tommy’s cock with his fingers. 

“Uh,” Tommy grunted. “I know.”

Adam stroked Tommy’s flaccid dick loosely, enjoying the feel of it between his fingers and curious if Tommy would get hard again so soon.

“You like it?” Adam observed the way Tommy’s eyelids fluttered, lips parting on a desperate little noise. 

“Sends little zings down my spine. Reminds me…” Tommy’s voice cut off and a shudder wracked his body. Adam released Tommy and brown eyes looked up at him. “Makes me think of when I was a teenager.” Tommy’s voice was steadier without Adam’s touch.

“Why?” Adam had learned that some men liked the overstimulation after orgasm from Brad, of all people. 

“When I first learned to masturbate… I would come and then keep stroking myself. Fuck, my dick was _so_ sensitive for a few minutes, but then I got hard again. And well… it was kind of a pattern and all I did that whole summer.” 

“Oh… do you still?” Adam was curious now. With as much as they had fooled around, Adam still really didn’t know that much about Tommy’s sex life prior to them getting together. Although he normally talked to his partners prior to jumping into bed with them, Tommy seemed to be the exception to every rule. They tried things, fucked things up and messed with each other’s heads, but there was very little talking. Adam was reminded of a conversation he’d had with Terrance. His best friend had preached the values of communication and even knowing Terrance was right, he and Tommy still hadn’t discussed the big stuff. Soon. Soon they would be back home, the tour would be done and they could see how this thing would work in real life.

Tour life was different and he just hoped that he and Tommy could find the balance of their relationship when they returned home. As soon as they were home Adam would make sure to communicate. He knew he was procrastinating, but at this point there were so many things they hadn’t talked about, that a few more surely wouldn’t make a difference. Tommy’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“Ya know sometimes when I jack it, I keep going after I come. The getting hard again in any reasonable amount of time is iffy, but sometimes it’s just nice to feel that _too much_ feeling skitter across your body. Have you ever?”

“Well, yeah, had an ex who brought it to my attention. I would let him do it to me occasionally, but mostly he wanted me to over stimulate him.”

For the next half hour they talked about masturbating. It wasn’t a discussion Adam had expected, but it was interesting all the same, learning how in some ways they did things the same and in others they did things differently. Most of all he learned that while Tommy wasn’t used to being with a man, he was very comfortable with his own body and he knew what he liked. That Adam could work with. He could teach Tommy about prostate stimulation and open up a whole new world to what Tommy could do to himself. Or with others, _or just with me,_ Adam’s mind supplied.

By the time they started yawning with every other word, the sky outside was starting to lighten, sunrise a few heartbeats away. Adam lost his battle to stay awake and when sleep overcame him, he dreamed of watching Tommy jack off.


	19. Chapter 19

Tommy left New Zealand a year older and then the tour hopped through Australia like a cracked-out kangaroo. Then it was on to Hawaii and, while it was paradise, Tommy was so damned glad to go back home. Even if it would only be for a minute. 

Halloween had always been Tommy’s favorite holiday. This year was no different minus the nervous jitters swimming through his veins. He’d met Adam’s friends before, but this was going to be on a larger scale. No, they weren’t telling people they were together, but it was still unnerving. He was pretty sure pterodactyls were flapping around in his stomach instead of butterflies. 

Tommy pushed away the thoughts and focused on the feeling of Adam’s fingers on his chin, turning his face this way and that. His eyes drifted to the mirror and his face was ghastly pale. Adam was carefully applying fake blood to his chin to complete the look. All he needed now was his fangs. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Adam said softly.

Tommy looked up at Adam. Adam’s gaze was focused on the spot where he was dabbing red with a brush. Tommy smiled and Adam’s lips twisted into a one as well. 

“It’s always okay when you’re with me.” Tommy knew it was cheesy, but he meant every word of it. 

The soft touch of the bloodied brush disappeared and was replaced by Adam’s lips. Tommy sighed into Adam’s mouth and he absolutely did not whine when Adam pulled away too soon. 

Time passed quickly and soon the house was full of people, everyone laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Tommy saw a few faces he recognized and just as many he didn’t. Adam, being the good host, worked the floor and occasionally brought someone over to Tommy for introductions. It was all a bit much to handle with so many names and goodness knows he would never remember them all tomorrow. On the other hand, he loved watching Adam in his element. Adam was a social butterfly flitting around from person to person, chatting and laughing. 

Tommy grabbed a beer, popped out his fangs and snuck upstairs. He needed a minute to breathe. On his way up the stairs he almost ran straight into someone that was coming from the bathroom. The person squawked and looked up at him; the face was familiar. Those eyes tickled at the back of his mind until something clicked. Of all people he had to run into Adam’s ex. _Is life really that ironic?_ Before he could mentally assure himself that, no, life wasn’t this ironic and it was just his fucked up luck, Brad opened his mouth. 

“So you’re the new boy toy?” Brad quipped.

“Uhh… I don’t know what you mean,” Tommy replied, and before he realized what was happening, Brad had his arm and pulled him into the spare room.

“Bullshit,” Brad huffed and gave Tommy a bored expression. “I’ve been watching you. I saw you watching him. Every time he came over to you, you lit up. I could see the hearts in your eyes from across the room. So spill. If there’s anyone you can talk to who knows exactly where you are, it’s me.” 

Tommy had to admit that as much as he didn’t want to talk to Brad, the fucker had a good point. Tommy brought his beer to his lips and took a sip, contemplating the merits of opening up to Adam’s ex about their relationship. Before he could decide one way or another Brad was talking again.

“So, let’s just say for a minute that I’m wrong, you’re not together like that. He’s just fucking you right?” 

Tommy’s eyes bugged out. “It’s… fuck, dude… I don’t even know you,” Tommy pointed out in a desperate attempt to stall. 

“You’re right, but Adam does and I can tell you a lot of things about him that no one else can. What are you so afraid of, Pretty? Adam looks at you like you hung the stars.”

Tommy was flustered at that and took another sip of his beer. “We… it’s complicated. I’m still fucking terrified of the way he makes me feel.” Tommy snapped his mouth shut, mortified of what he’d just admitted, and to Adam’s ex of all people. Tommy sighed. _Might as well spill the rest, you idiot._ “My family doesn’t know, no one knows, but the band. And you, apparently. He’s the first guy I’ve ever had any feelings like this for and we’re taking things slow.”

“So what I’m hearing is… you’re the classic, closeted little straight boy Adam’s always been attracted to and even after months of him trying to retrieve your tonsils via his tongue onstage, y’all still aren’t fucking? Intimidated by his cock?” Brad’s tone was somewhere between amusement and sarcasm. 

“Well yeah, I’ve never had anything up my ass if you must know,” Tommy snapped.

“Oh, sore spot much? And hey, don’t be afraid, Adam can be really intense in the bedroom, but he’s also gentle. If you want to take it there, if you’ll let him fuck you, he’ll take his time. By the time he puts it in you’ll be begging him for it.” Brad’s lips twisted into a wicked grin and he cocked his hip, gesturing wildly with his hands. It was all Tommy could do to not to snap at Brad even though he looked silly in his weird little costume. It looked like he was wearing a bush around his neck. “You’re not the first delicate little straight boy he’s tried to deflower. He’s successful in dragging those boys out of the closet about half the time,” Brad chirped, smiling at Tommy sweetly. 

“How would you know?” Tommy’s anxiety was boiling beneath his skin. Everything Brad was saying only made him more nervous about sex with Adam.

“Honey, we may be exes, but we like to keep up with each other’s lives.”

“Then why didn’t he tell you about me, Princess?” Tommy spat, anger replacing the anxiety, even though he knew it made no sense. Brad wasn’t a threat. He was even offering Tommy advice. He couldn’t handle it though, he felt like a cat, and his hackles rose. 

“We haven’t had a chance to talk much lately. I presume you’re the reason why he’s been so preoccupied. And listen, calm down. I really wasn’t trying to upset you. I was just trying to offer my perspective. Adam is a great guy and I don’t want to see him heartbroken again. You seem nice enough, but don’t let your fear of the unknown let you lose out on everything Adam can offer, Pumpkin, seriously! You don’t want to let Adam slip between your fingers, take it from someone who made that mistake.”

Tommy’s head spun a little; the speed at which Brad talked made Tommy wonder how many words per minute came out of that boy’s mouth. But Brad patted his shoulder and Tommy felt some of the anger dissipate. 

“Well, ya know, thanks for the advice,” Tommy muttered, and much to his relief Brad turned and walked out of the room. He took another draw from his beer, the cool liquid sliding down his throat. He’d survived a run-in with the ex, surely that was something. He shook his head and left the guestroom, hurrying into Adam’s room and shutting the door before anyone else got in his way.

Tommy loved Adam’s friends and family, but all the noise and people. It was just too intimidating. They had posed for pictures after getting all dressed up and now he just needed a few minutes. He needed time to breathe without having to be on. He let his mask fall, put his beer on the nightstand, and slumped into the fluffy cloud that was Adam’s bed. He tried not to think, but Brad’s words kept coming back, toying with his mind. Brad made it sound like giving himself to Adam wouldn’t be painful and after fingering Adam, maybe it wouldn’t be like what he’d feared. He still wasn’t ready. That final step, offering to let Adam inside him would be really accepting the fact that he was bi. That would be the road that lead to coming out to his family. No matter if he publically came out or not, he couldn’t hide this from his family forever. 

_“Tommy Joe Ratliff, no son of mine is going to be a fag.”_

The hurtful words rang through his mind. How could he ever truly accept this knowing he would have to tell his mom? He sighed, no easy answer apparent. He grabbed his drink and headed back down to the party. If he didn’t go back down he would drive himself insane with his thoughts. 

Tommy went straight to Adam. He couldn’t help being drawn to him and when Adam wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pressed a kiss into his hair, he relaxed. Adam was right, it was okay. Adam squeezed his shoulder and was called away into the kitchen, leaving him alone again. He looked around before finally choosing a chair in the corner. He’d hoped people wouldn’t pay any attention to him, but all too soon he saw someone heading his way. And it wasn’t just someone, it was Adam’s mom. He groaned to himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Leila, but he hadn’t really talked to her since getting together with her son. He didn’t think she was the meddling mom type, but he’d been surprised in the past so he held his breath as she approached. 

“Tommy, it’s so good to see you,” Leila said, her smile warm and easy. 

As much as Tommy didn’t want to move from his seat, he didn’t want to be rude either, so he stood and went along with it when she pulled him into a hug. 

“It’s good to see you, too,” he said into Leila’s wig. 

When they pulled apart Leila took his hand and squeezed it gently in hers. 

“I just wanted to say I hope you had a good birthday, and Tommy, I’m really sorry about your dad. When Adam told me what happened I was heartbroken for you. No child should ever lose a parent just because a donor can’t be found in time.” 

Tommy’s heart twisted in his chest and he could feel the blood drain from his face. Of all the things he expected her to say, it wasn’t that. After taking a moment to pull himself together, the ache dulled to something more manageable and he finally caught her eyes. 

“Thanks, it means a lot to me that you care,” he said, as sincerely as he could manage.

“I know my boy loves you and anyone he considers family, I consider family.”

And again Tommy was thrown. What had Adam told his mom about their relationship? _He loves me? Like, in a friend way or…damn it._ The long pause had Leila looking at him like she was afraid she’d said something wrong.

“I uhh, thanks,” said Tommy. 

“Oh honey, it’s okay, I only know that you guys aren’t just friends anymore,” Leila whispered. “But honestly I don’t know how Adam is feeling about the whole situation. He hasn’t talked to me about you guys since August.” Leila squeezed his hand again.

“Oh uhh, well… really thank you. I want you to know that Adam has really been there for me through losing my dad and with being on the road. I really don’t know how I could’ve done it without him.”

“Adam has always stood by his friends through the good times and the bad. He’ll be there for you for as long as you need him.” Leila winked, kissed him on the cheek, and left him standing in front of his chair more than a little confused. 

…

Adam looked around and noticed his mom heading for Tommy. He knew she’d wanted a chance to talk to him. He just hoped Tommy wouldn’t be too overwhelmed by it.

“A vamp again, you are _so_ predictable,” said a familiar voice.

Adam drew his eyes away from Tommy’s anxious expression.

“I make it look fabulous, so why not?” Adam bared his fangs and gave Brad his best seductive smile. 

“And of course you had to bring your little boy toy in on the game? I seem to remember being a vampire the first year we got together.”

Adam sighed. If anyone was going to see the truth of his and Tommy’s relationship it was Brad. Of course. “Yeah, so I made him up tonight. He loves Halloween.”

“But does he love you?” Brad asked, cocking his hip and batting his lashes at Adam.

“He…” Adam didn’t begin to know how to reply to that. 

“I ran into your boy upstairs. Seems your trend with naïve little straight boys who fear your monster cock continues… didn’t you just give up on Kris like yesterday?” Adam was so focused on how fast Brad blurted that out that it took a minute for his brain to catch up. 

Adam certainly did not hmph like a petulant child at the suggestion. “Kris was a… minor fascination for a minute. Nothing happened.”

“Well it seems nothing is happening with Tommy either. I mentioned you fucking him and I thought his eyes were going to roll right out of his head.” Brad laughed and Adam cringed. He’d been walking a fine line trying not to upset the balance, and now Tommy had had a run-in with Brad. Fantastic! 

“No, I haven’t taken it that far, yet. We’ve been taking it slow. I’m the first guy he’s ever done anything with… you know me. I wasn’t going to just hop into bed with him and fuck him senseless. It’s a slow process and… and Brad I fucking love him, okay?”

“I know.” Brad looked up at Adam, a soft smile playing on his lips. “I was just waiting for you to admit it to me. You know I’m just a phone call away when the little closet case breaks your heart,” Brad purred, the cattiness back in his voice. 

“Thanks, asshole,” Adam bit out, wanting nothing more than to slap Brad. It seemed like no one had faith that it would all work out. Then again, as much as he hoped it would, he too had his doubts and it made his heart shudder painfully. 

“Anytime, blood breath,” Brad returned before walking away leaving Adam with more doubts. Adam glanced back over to see his mom leaving Tommy. Tommy looked as tense as Adam felt. He was sure tonight was going to lead to some interesting talks between them once everyone was finally partied out.

They mingled together throughout parts of the evening, but it wasn’t until they were standing in the bathroom after the house was quiet that they could really talk. Adam looked in the mirror at Tommy’s reflection, watching for several moments. Tommy had ditched everything but his skinny jeans and stood in bare feet, using a makeup remover wipe, each swipe revealing another bit of healthy pink skin. Tommy was humming something under his breath as he worked and considering everything he’d endured this evening, he looked remarkably calm. Adam was taking that as a good sign.

“So…” Adam finally said, returning to his own reflection in order to wipe the ghastly pallor off his face. The wipe was cool against his skin and with a swipe underneath his eye, a smattering of freckles were revealed. 

“So…” Tommy parroted back a minute later. 

“I heard you had a run in with Brad.” Adam tried to keep it conversational, but he was worried Brad may have said something to Tommy that scarred him for life. 

“Yeah, I ran into him alright, and then he pulled me into the spare room to interrogate me,” Tommy muttered, eyes never leaving his focus on the mirror. 

Adam winced. “Sorry about that… I didn’t…”

“I know you didn’t tell him about us… he seemed a little upset about that. Seems like he knows you pretty well though…” Tommy looked at Adam for a split second before tossing the wipe in the trash and turning the sink on. Adam waited until Tommy finished splashing his face with water and then handed him a towel. When Tommy turned off the sink and started walking away, Adam grabbed his wrist.

“Yeah, seems like he knows a lot of things I haven’t told him,” Adam rumbled, remembering their conversation and knowing there was no way he could admit to Tommy that he was in love with him. He dropped Tommy’s wrist and turned back to his reflection.

“He told me you have a pretty good record of turning straight boys. Said you were really gentle and would have me begging for your dick before you ever put it in me.” Tommy’s cheeks flushed red and Adam gaped. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised. Brad had always had a certain way with words. 

“Well.” Adam sighed and fidgeted with the wipe, smearing white off his cheeks in random patterns. “He’s not wrong. I’ve always had a problem falling for straight boys. It’s different with you though.”

“Do you say that to all of them?” Tommy snarked, and Adam was taken aback by the hurt in his tone. 

“Hey,” Adam gasped, the wipe falling from his fingertips. He pivoted on his heel until he was facing Tommy. The flush on Tommy’s cheeks had drained and left him looking pale, his eyes pleading, but for what Adam wasn’t sure. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled Tommy into his arms. “Things have always been different with you. You were my best friend first. I’ve told you things I couldn’t tell anyone else. You know sides of me that no one else does, not even Monte, and I’ve known him since I was a kid, wet behind the ears. Don’t ever think for a minute that you were just a conquest that I’ve been biding my time with.” Adam nuzzled his nose against Tommy’s ear and Tommy’s fingertips found their way beneath his shirt. “I would still be the happiest guy in the world if all I got to do is kiss those pretty pouty lips every night on stage. You were the one that changed things. You were the one who climbed into my bed,” Adam pointed out, desperate for Tommy to understand. 

“I… I know all of this. Brad is just… he seemed like he wanted to offer me advice and then went all catty princess on me.”

“That’s just Brad, baby. Trust me though, if all this leads to you giving yourself to me that way, I’ll make it good, and if not, it doesn’t change anything. I’m content to be whatever you need from me,” Adam promised, and Tommy nodded into his chest.


	20. Chapter 20

After the show in Helsinki, Adam opted to go out to a bar instead of staying in. Tommy couldn’t figure out why on earth anyone would want to step toe outside in this weather. He had scurried into the hotel and once he and Isaac got to their room, he’d bumped the thermostat and settled with his blanket by the heat vent. There wasn’t a part of his California ass that wasn’t frozen. He’d enjoyed his time at home and was mourning the loss of mild temperatures, hoping that while they were in this freezer of a place his toes wouldn’t fall off from frostbite. 

Isaac chuckled from his spot curled up on one of the twin beds. It had been a while since Tommy had actually shared a room with anyone besides Adam, but he and Isaac had grown close. Closer than he and Monte were, surprisingly enough. Isaac was like the brother Tommy had always wanted. Of course, when Adam decided to drag his tipsy ass back to the hotel he would text Tommy and Tommy would run straight to him, but for now he was going to catch up with his friend.

“It’s fuckin’ cold,” Tommy said and pouted at Isaac, who had stripped down to his boxers and a t-shirt before hopping into bed. 

“Wuss. You Cali boys…” 

“Yeah, yeah… so how’s Soph? Didn’t get to see you guys at Halloween.”

“She’s fine, still sassy, but happy that this tour will be wrapping up soon.”

“Yeah, I bet.” Tommy sighed and curled tighter into the blanket. He was lost in thought for a moment. The idea of the tour ending was terrifying. Having lived in constant orbit of Adam these past few months, he wasn’t sure how he was going to cope with going home again. His insomnia was tenfold when the US leg of the tour ended and he’d gone back home. He’d hoped it was anxiety, knowing that he had to visit his mom for the first time since his dad passed, but it wasn’t any better when he’d had to go back to replace his passport. 

In the time he’d spent at home between Hawaii and the remainder of the international tour he’d stayed with Adam, in Adam’s bed. He just wasn’t sure how it was going to work when they got home for good. He also wasn’t sure either of them was ready for living together, even though they were really already living together. Now it was by circumstance, but by choice…could they handle it? And what he really meant was could he handle it? Living with Adam would mean finally coming out to his family. He couldn’t live with Adam in good conscience otherwise.

“T… hey man, where did you go?” Isaac’s voice finally filtered through the rest of his scattered thoughts. 

“Sorry, I was just thinking…”

“About?”

“The end of the tour. It’s scary. I’m not sure how to be without Adam,” Tommy confessed.

“Be without him? Do you honestly think you can get rid of him?”

“I don’t mean like that,” Tommy huffed, and finally moved from the heat vent to the other bed.

“Well beb, what do you mean?” Isaac asked, cocking his head to the side. 

“I just mean, I’m not sure I can move in with Adam without telling my family.”

“They don’t need to know everything.”

“Yeah, but mom likes to drop by from time to time to see me. It would seem a little strange for her if Mike told her I wasn’t living there anymore.”

“Well, you have a point, but what’s the big deal?”

“Her straight son telling her he’s moving in with his boss who he’s also sleeping with?”

“It doesn’t sound that bad,” Isaac laughed, shaking his head. 

“Yeah well, I don’t really wanna give my mom a stroke, she’s been through enough this year,” Tommy replied, getting up out of his chair and lying down on the other bed, still wrapped tightly in his comforter. 

“There’s more to it,” Isaac said, and in that moment Tommy hated how intuitive Isaac could be.

“Yeah, I’m scared to take things further with Adam. We still haven’t… I mean we’ve fooled around, but never fucked,” Tommy muttered, and shoved his face into the pillow for a moment, his emotions flaring. He felt raw and exposed, but he really wanted to talk to someone about this. “I dreamed about Adam fingering me… and I liked it.”

“That’s good right? I mean you’re supposed to like it from my understanding of how gay sex works.” Isaac’s eyebrow winged up in confusion.

“Yeah, but after that, when Adam was fucking me… the whole dream… we were high school boyfriends and Adam was in my house after school. In my childhood bedroom for fuck’s sake. My dad walked in on us… he said no son of his would be a fag,” Tommy moaned miserably.

Isaac got up from his bed, crawled into Tommy’s and curled up around him, a soft hand on his cheek until Tommy looked up at Isaac. “Hey, you know it was just a dream. Your dad loved you.”

“I know, it’s just… subconsciously I think maybe it’s my own fear manifesting.” 

“You’re probably right,” Isaac said, and patted Tommy’s head. “But you gotta work through those fears if you wanna be with Adam… I mean really be with him. And though I haven’t been here from the beginning I can tell you for sure Adam wouldn’t hurt you for the world.”

“I know, I think I’m more terrified that I’m going to hurt him.” The words felt like acid on Tommy’s tongue, but he tasted the truth, and it was just as bitter. 

After that, things got quiet until Isaac returned to his bed and when the conversation resumed it was about music, nothing serious, and it was just the distraction that Tommy needed. It continued until they both were yawning, and Tommy was surprised that even without Adam, he was drifting off. It was a testament to how much comfort he found in Isaac, and that was his last thought until his phone startled him from sleep some time later. 

…

Tonight the show had been amazing and the brisk cold Finnish air had left Adam feeling the need to get out, dance, and bring some heat back into his bones. Terrance was more than game and through some searching on his phone he found a place called Don’t Tell Momma. The name had made him laugh and he and Terrance decided to check it out.

That was how Adam found himself in this situation. He had always been a flirty drunk. It was a fact of life, one that he was normally more than okay with, but not right this minute. Not when temptation was preying on his alcohol ridden brain in the form of a twinky little blond, who’d gotten quite sassy when he’d mispronounced the dude’s name during introductions. Sauli. In English, Adam was sure it translated to ‘pretty as sin,’ because anything that pretty had to be sinful. Adam groaned when Sauli moved closer, their bodies moving with the beat. The language barrier apparently wasn’t an issue when they were letting their bodies do the talking. Adam’s dick definitely had an opinion on the situation and as much as Adam wanted to kiss him and touch him in places those tight pants were concealing, the alcohol couldn’t make him forget Tommy.

Tommy would be at the hotel, maybe sleeping, curled up in a million blankets because he always froze when the temperature was anything less than balmy. Tommy was probably waiting on him to call; whether he was sleeping or not Tommy kept his phone next to his pillow. 

Adam sighed and though it pained him, he pulled away from Sauli. Sauli had questions in his eyes, but Adam didn’t have the answers so he just kissed his cheek. 

“It was great meeting you, but I really need to get back to my hotel.” 

Sauli’s face fell. “If you are ever in Finland, please find me,” he murmured and squeezed Adam’s hand before letting go. 

“I will. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Adam.” 

Adam watched Sauli walk away. Before he could move he felt a body press up against him. The arms that wrapped around him were familiar and he melted back into Terrance’s chest. 

“You honest to fuck just let that pretty boy walk away?”

“Terr.” Adam turned in Terrance’s embrace until he could look into his eyes. “You know I’m with Tommy.”

“With Tommy,” Terrance said, rolling his eyes. “You know I love him, but that little closet case is just going to end up hurting you. And here you were with a gorgeous blond who I’m sure would’ve been more than happy to let you fuck him through a bed.”

Together they headed for the door because trying to have any kind of meaningful discussion while the bass pounded through their bodies was pointless. Once the frigid night air hit Adam’s face some of the alcohol buzz cleared. Terrance’s words spun through his head a few times, and he glanced at his friend before looking at the sidewalk beneath his feet. 

“You don’t know he’s going to hurt me,” Adam said, sighing and raking his fingers through his hair, wincing when they got tangled in the strands still sticky with product. 

“Yeah, I know, he was your friend first. That makes it different, yadda, yadda, yadda. Keep telling yourself that, boo. And don’t get me wrong… I hope to hell that you’re right. I hope it will be different with him because you were friends first, but if not… you might have to keep me from kicking his non-existent lil’ ass,” Terrance said, hand on his hip. 

“I’ve said it before T, it was my choice to let him in. If it blows up in my face, then I’m just as much to blame, but I love him.”

“I know you do, I just hope it’s not one sided.”

“Tommy loves me,” Adam said confidently.

“Maybe, but you’re _in_ love with him.” That hit home, and on the same note Brad had pointed out at the Halloween party. 

“Yeah, and it feels good, when I’m not worried about everyone else doubting our relationship,” Adam huffed. What little buzz the cold didn’t take care of was obliterated by his frustrations. Adam started walking back the way they came. It was too cold to argue outside and the hotel was just a couple blocks away. 

“I’m sorry, you know I support you. I want to see it work out just as much as you do.”

“Thanks, and if it falls apart, you know I’ll be begging you to help put me back together.”

“Heh, yeah, lots of ice cream, with a dash of alcohol.”

“The cure to what ails you,” Adam chuckled.

When they reached the hotel Adam was pretty sure parts of his body were numb, namely his nose and fingers. He knew a great way to warm up though. Somehow he managed to retrieve his phone from his pocket, the heat of the hotel causing his fingertips to tingle and burn as blood returned to them. He carefully selected Tommy from his contacts and only kept Tommy on the line long enough to make arrangements to meet at his room. 

By the time Adam said goodbye to Terrance on the elevator and reached his floor, he could already see Tommy waiting by his door. Tommy looked much heavier than he actually was because of the many layers of clothing, but as Adam walked closer he couldn’t help but think how beautiful Tommy was. The small smile that twitched at the corner of Tommy’s lips and the way he looked up at Adam. Yeah, he knew he was so gone for that boy that he was in Narnia. 

“Sorry for waking you,” Adam said, and reached for him, getting his hands under all those layers and onto the smooth skin of Tommy’s back.

“Fuck your fingers are still cold…” Tommy gasped. “Surprised I fell asleep. Isaac is good company though.”

“Sorry, it’s freezing out.” Adam removed his hands from the tempting heat of Tommy’s back. “You guys have really gotten close,” Adam said, and kissed Tommy’s ear before shoving a hand in his jeans to retrieve his keycard. He got the door open, they shuffled inside, and Adam found the light switch. The heat in the room was already blasting and he needed to remember to tip the hotel, because it felt glorious against his chilled skin. Warm enough that he had no qualms about shedding his jacket. 

“He gives great advice,” Tommy replied, and Adam wondered what exactly their conversation had been about. “Seems to think I need to work through my fears and I think he’s right.” Tommy looked at Adam like he was searching for something. Adam smiled softly and felt warmth heat his cheeks at Tommy’s intense gaze.

“So how about you take his advice?”

“Yeah, I’m going to try tonight, but first I wanna get my mouth on you.” Tommy grinned wickedly.

“Does that mean you’re going to take off a few layers?” Adam asked, and couldn’t quite contain the smirk on his face when Tommy’s eyes turned dark. He stepped forward, reached to cup Tommy’s cock and was pleased to find it hardening beneath his touch. 

“Mmm, stop that,” Tommy admonished playfully. “If you want me to get out of some of this you can’t get me distracted like that.”

Reluctantly Adam stepped away from Tommy and watched him slither out of who knows how many layers, pulling them over his head at once. Tommy also kicked off his shoes and unzipped his boots. 

“Can I touch now?” 

“Not until you lose that top.” Tommy’s grin was playful and Adam huffed in mock frustration, tugging the gauzy shirt over his head. 

The material drifted to the floor unnoticed, Adam already stalking toward Tommy and Tommy backing away, leading them further away from the door. Tommy didn’t stop until he was standing in front of the bed and then it was too easy for Adam to push him down. Tommy scooted until he was resting on the pillows and Adam crawled on the bed, knee-walking up until he could lie down beside Tommy. “Now can I touch you?” Adam quipped, a silly smile tugging at his lips when Tommy leaned forward to kiss him.

Words were highly overrated as long as it meant Adam got to lick his way into Tommy’s mouth while he stroked his fingertips lightly up and down Tommy’s sides. He loved the way Tommy’s skin felt beneath his hands and the content little noises Tommy made low in his throat, but perhaps what he loved even more was the look on Tommy’s face when the kiss ended. He couldn’t help but notice how puffy Tommy’s lips were and how the irises of Tommy’s eyes were much larger than normal. 

“Gonna have to help me get these tight ass jeans off you,” Tommy growled.

“You love these tight ass jeans,” Adam purred. He deftly flicked the button with one hand, unzipped and shoved the jeans down until they were bunched around his ankles. Tommy gave a good yank and they peeled off. 

Adam had intentionally left his boxer briefs on, and he took great joy in watching Tommy eye his erection through the tented material. When Tommy reached in and worked his cock through the flap, Adam groaned. He had expected Tommy to slide them down and off, but this worked too. It definitely worked when Tommy slid his lips down on Adam’s length and then the fiery heat of Tommy’s mouth banished all thoughts of cold. Tommy was enthusiastic, humming and using his tongue. While he still wasn’t experienced, he was learning what Adam liked and Adam let himself sink into the sensations. Tommy took him higher and higher until Adam knew Tommy’s jaw had to be aching, but Tommy kept at it until Adam’s balls drew up. 

“Tommy, fuck!” Adam grappled and managed to get a grip on Tommy’s hair, pulling him off. “Please, so close,” Adam begged, and he could see Tommy was a bit dazed. Adam couldn’t wait for him, not with the need to come crawling just beneath his skin. He reached for his cock and as soon as he got a good grip he was thrusting up into his hand, eyes clenching shut, his orgasm smacking into him. Just as the first shot left his cock he felt Tommy’s hand cupping his balls, and that only sent him higher. So good. When his body finally went lax, he opened his eyes.

Adam watched Tommy pull his hand away; he was chewing his bottom lip, a slight frown apparent. The fog of orgasm dissipated, replaced with concern. “Hey, what’s wrong?” Adam reached for Tommy’s hand and laced their fingers together.

“I… sorry I didn’t react fast enough,” Tommy mumbled. “I just got wrapped up in sucking you and when you pulled me off my mind took a minute to catch up.”

“Hey, it’s fine, an orgasm is an orgasm and as far as that one went, it was pretty fucking good.” Adam studied Tommy’s body and his words didn’t bring the relaxed posture he’d been hoping for, so he used his grip on Tommy’s hand to pull Tommy closer. “That isn’t what’s bothering you.” It wasn’t a question; something else was wrong. He mindlessly tucked himself back into his underwear and turned his full attention back to Tommy.

“Isaac told me I had to face my fears and I want to, but I’m just nervous. Facing them means that I have to tell you about something I didn’t want you to know,” Tommy confessed and Adam’s heart jumped into his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ducks* Honestly guys, the cliffie here wasn't planned. I just knew I wanted to post two chapters at a time and didn't pay attention to where it would cut off.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys. The update would've been posted yesterday but my power went out early yesterday morning and didn't come back on until after 5pm and of course my net was down until sometime after I went to bed. I didn't forget you guys.

Tommy hadn’t intended to ever tell Adam, but the conversation with Isaac left thoughts twisting and turning in his mind. He couldn’t overcome his fear of bottoming if he couldn’t admit it to Adam. 

“Well…” Adam urged and he could hear anxiety in Adam’s tone. He definitely wanted the option to rewind and take it back, but he couldn’t. He had already opened his big fat mouth.

“I had a dream. It was weird because we went to high school together and you were my boyfriend.” Tommy paused and kissed Adam’s cheek. “You came to my house after school and we were in my bedroom. In the dream we’d fooled around before, but my parents weren’t home so you were going to fuck me.” Tommy shivered at the image in his head. 

“Okay, so maybe your subconscious was just working out the situation. Trying to show you that you didn’t have to be afraid,” Adam offered quietly.

“It didn’t end there. You opened me up on your fingers and Adam, fuck, it was so good. I never imagined it could be that good and I wanted you in me so bad. When you finally pushed into me it was amazing, everything was great until my dad walked in on us.” His bottom lip quivered, emotions going tight as he thought about the look on his dad’s face. “He… he was angry. He told me that no son of his was going to be a fag.” 

“That was the night you asked me if I thought you were gay, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, I should’ve told you then, but I needed time to process. I think maybe my subconscious was manifesting my fears. I mean I know my dad would love me, I think,” Tommy sighed.

“Your dad would love you no matter what,” Adam assured him. “But why now? Why are you telling me this?”

“I think it’s time. I want to take this a step further. I still… I don’t think I’m ready for you inside me, your cock anyway, but I want you to try fingering me.”

“Are you sure?” Adam asked, and tilted Tommy’s chin up until he was looking directly into Adam’s eyes.

“Yeah, I need to know and so do you. I can’t keep you waiting forever. If I can’t give myself to you, it’s not a real relationship is it? I don’t want you to waste your time on me if I can give you everything you deserve,” Tommy muttered, eyes falling to the freckles on Adam’s chest. 

“Hey, look at me,” Adam demanded and waited until he looked up again. “I’ve already told you that I want to be with you in any way I can. If that means nothing but what we’ve done so far, that’s okay, too. I care about you Tommy and I will take whatever you will give me, so if you can’t handle sex, fair enough.” Adam brushed Tommy’s fringe behind his ear and kissed his nose. 

“I don’t want to hold you back. You deserve someone who can be intimate with you like that, and if I can’t…” Tommy trailed off, unable to voice the truth, that if he couldn’t have sex with Adam, he would have no choice but to walk away. He couldn’t live with his own inability to give Adam everything. 

Tommy was tired of talking; the mood gone heavy and tense. Instead he kissed Adam, hoping that his lips would get them back to where they were before he had decided to spill his guts. It seemed Adam, too, was done with talking. Tommy snuggled closer to Adam, enjoying the feel of bare skin against his chest. For several minutes they laid together entwined, exchanging kisses, each one more intense than the last until Tommy was breathless. His erection had flagged during their conversation, but it was back and pressing against his sweatpants and Adam’s hip. He writhed, seeking friction, and while he panted against Adam’s lips he knew it was time. He had to take the next step. He needed to know if they were going to be able to make it in a relationship, or if in the end he was going to have to let Adam go. 

“You’re thinking loudly,” Adam whispered against Tommy’s cheek. 

“I wanna try it tonight,” said Tommy, and with those words his pulse sped up to a crazy pitter-patter.

“You know I’ll do anything you want,” said Adam in that hazy, lusty tone he got during Whole Lotta Love, and Tommy shivered, arousal sparking through his body. His cock twitched in his sweats, and maybe, he thought to himself, this would be like his dream and feel amazing.

“I…” Tommy paused. Now that the thought was there in his mind, he wasn’t sure how to ask for it even though Adam knew what he wanted. Without the burn of alcohol in his veins to feed his bravery, he was almost too shy to ask Adam for this. 

“Come on, it’s okay…” Adam encouraged, but before Tommy could try to speak Adam drew him into another kiss, and a large hand slipped into his sweatpants. Tommy groaned while Adam teased the delicate skin around his slit. It was so distracting; he couldn’t pull himself together enough to do anything but kiss Adam. He whimpered when Adam released his lips in favor of locking eyes. “Tell me, gotta hear you say it,” Adam purred, his expression just as persuasive, if not more so, than his words.

“Want you to try to finger me,” Tommy stuttered.

Adam rewarded his words with a couple of strokes to his dick before pulling his hand out. “Tommy, Tommy, Tommy…” Adam’s voice was all predator, and Tommy felt like a nervous little rabbit that had just spotted a wolf. It was also weird hearing Adam say his name in bed. The only time Adam ever really used his name was during introductions on stage. In private Adam only ever used pet names for him. It made him take notice though, pay attention. “Been waiting so long, was hoping you would get there. You know I’ll take it so slow, don’t you, baby?”

Tommy nodded in reply, and turned Adam’s words over in his head again and again. He knew Adam would never hurt him intentionally, but this also felt like a different side of Adam. The Adam he’d seen so far had been laid back, let Tommy have control, but this Adam... Tommy had a feeling that this was the Adam most of his past lovers saw. The confident, in control Adam, the one Tommy hadn’t gotten a taste of, yet. In an odd way, the change eased the jangling nervousness and when Adam kissed him again it was all possessive, soft nips, and tender bites. 

The next thing Tommy noticed was a cool draft, the warmth of Adam’s skin against his chest gone. Adam was on his knees near Tommy’s hip, a smile curling his lips when he hooked his fingers on Tommy’s waistband. Tommy rolled to his back and lifted his hips, allowing Adam to tug the fabric down his legs and off. 

“Just fingers,” Tommy clarified, suddenly afraid Adam might’ve forgotten. 

“Just fingers. It hasn’t been that long since you sucked my cock, baby, and I’m not a teenager anymore.” Adam chuckled and petted Tommy’s thigh. 

Another thought occurred to Tommy then: Adam hadn’t unpacked anything. His suitcase was still in the closet. “Lube?” Tommy didn’t squeak exactly, but it was a near thing, his voice gone high and tight at the thought of anything going near his ass without lube. 

“Hey, hey,” said Adam, giving his thigh a squeeze before hopping out of bed. “I always keep some in my carry on. Much easier to find than looking for my toiletry bag.”

“Oh, okay, good...” Damn it Tommy, stop sounding terrified, he thought to himself. Just a minute ago his nerves had been calm, the look in Adam’s eyes leaving nothing to doubt. That look was still there. Tommy breathed out a shuddering breath and focused on the sound of Adam unzipping his carry on. It wasn’t long before Adam produced a bottle of Astroglide and crawled back up on the bed. 

“This would be easier with you on your hands and knees, but if you wanna do it on your back so you can see me, that’s okay, too.” Adam sat with his legs crisscrossed beside Tommy’s hip. Tommy thought about it for a minute and remembered in the dream he was on his hands and knees while they fucked. The image sent a pulse of arousal through his dick and he quickly shifted to his knees. He grabbed one of the pillows and hugged it, his cheek resting against it, giving him a side view of Adam. Adam’s smile was brilliant and he didn’t startle when Adam ran a hand down his back. He just closed his eyes and focused on relaxing. 

“So pretty,” said Adam softly. “Wanna make this so good for you.”

“Know you will,” Tommy responded before really even thinking about it. And the next sound that met his ears was a cap being popped open.

“Need you to stay nice and relaxed for me.” 

Tommy felt Adam’s hand against his side; he heard the cap close and then Adam shifted into a more comfortable position. Tommy was hyper aware when Adam’s fingers brushed his ass cheek, and blushed furiously at the appreciative noise Adam made. He waited, but Adam seemed to want to touch every inch of his ass with the exception of his hole. It was making him twitchy.

“Fuck,” he huffed and clinched his fingers in the sheets. “The anticipation isn’t helping.” 

“Just enjoying the moment.” Adam laughed and Tommy’s muscles loosened at the familiarity of it.

Then Adam’s finger was right there, tracing down the crack of his ass. Tommy groaned, eyes fluttering open, needing to see Adam’s face. He got up onto his hands and turned his head until he could see Adam; he hadn’t anticipated the hungry look he saw. Adam was so focused, one thumb prying him open, and a single digit circling his hole. It was a weird feeling, Adam toying with him like that while seeing intense blue eyes looking like they wanted to devour him. It was almost too much, so Tommy lay back on the pillow and stared at the burgundy wall across from the bed. He concentrated on the sensation Adam was producing. It was almost an itch, his hole twitching as if it was trying to grasp Adam’s finger, but Adam made no move to push inside. 

Tommy sighed. Adam hadn’t been kidding when he said he was going to take things slow. 

“Perfect,” said Adam. “Was waiting for you to give me a response.” As soon as the words left Adam’s mouth, Adam pushed in. It was a slow, easy slide, Tommy’s body accepting the intrusion, but the slight burn around his rim was distracting. He focused on breathing and soon the burn dulled to a nagging oddity in his mind. It definitely wasn’t like the dream. “Talk to me, baby, I need to hear you.”

Tommy had no fucking clue what to say. “Umm, it’s not what I expected. It feels strange.”

“Wait, just a second,” Adam said, and he could feel Adam’s finger searching inside of him. He knew what Adam was looking for and he held his breath, waiting for it. A handful of seconds later he felt an overwhelming tremor spike from deep inside him and he gasped. It reminded him distantly of an electric shock, the current traveling a direct path from his ass to his cock. “Right there, look at you, so pretty.”

Adam sounded so happy and he kept hitting Tommy’s prostate, sending waves of unusual sensations through him. He wouldn’t call it pleasure. It was like someone was touching his dick right after an orgasm. In the past that “too much” sensation sometimes morphed into pleasure, but this didn’t; it was just over-stimulating and left him whining and tugging on the sheets. 

“Too…” Tommy gasped and twitched, sighing when Adam froze. “Sorry, sorry, it’s just really overwhelming. Direct stimulation is just too much,” Tommy explained. Adam went to pull out. “No, don’t. Try adding a finger.”

“Are you sure? We can stop this now,” Adam offered, and Tommy knew Adam would stop no questions asked, but this wasn’t enough, he needed to push it further.

“Yeah, please.” Tommy turned his face to Adam, hoping that the look in his eyes would assure Adam that he wanted it.

Adam, being the tender and caring lover he was, pulled out anyway. He popped the cap on the lube and drizzled more onto his fingers and Tommy’s hole. Tommy turned away and focused on the feel of Adam pushing in. This time the burn made him hiss, and Adam stilled again, but Tommy grunted and shifted his hips, signaling Adam to keep going. Once Adam was in as far as he could go he gave Tommy a minute and then without a word, started thrusting in and out slowly. It wasn’t bad, Tommy admitted to himself, but it felt strange and it wasn’t enough to keep him hard. Adam must’ve noticed. 

“This isn’t working for you.” Adam sounded sad. 

“I’m not used to feeling something there, ya know? Maybe it would help if I jerked off. Combining the sensations maybe since my body doesn’t recognize just that as pleasurable, yet.”

“If you want to try it, turn over on your back and let me blow you at the same time.”

Tommy nodded and complied, happy to be able to see Adam clearly in this position. Without a word Adam sucked him down and gently pushed back inside him. He could already feel a difference when Adam started thrusting his fingers. Adam was brushing his prostate on the way out, not directly, but enough to send a zing through his body. It was okay, it felt nice, and Tommy could deal with nice. For Adam, he could try this again at some point. And for now Adam’s mouth would bring him to orgasm. 

Adam hummed and Tommy threw his head back. “Better, this is better,” he stuttered, eyes crinkling shut when Adam deep throated him. A few more thrusts of fingers with Adam swallowing around him and Tommy came, whimpering. With each shot that left his dick he could feel himself contracting around Adam’s fingers, and it was fucking weird, but he had to admit that it was an orgasm like no other. All Adam needed to know now is that Tommy would be willing to do it again. He just hoped that practice made pleasure.

…

Adam pulled off Tommy, happy that Tommy came, but unsure of whether or not this would be happening again. The taste of Tommy’s come was still on his tongue when he leaned forward, unable to resist kissing Tommy, needing the comfort that Tommy’s mouth provided. 

Adam had never felt as unsure around a lover as he did with Tommy. He had played at confident and cocky in the beginning, but seeing Tommy less than enthusiastic had killed it a little. He just didn’t want this to come between them. 

Adam pulled away and lay down beside Tommy, snuggling close, fingers trailing over Tommy’s bare chest. “Was that…” he finally dared to ask.

“Different, nice, we need to do it again. I think now that some of my initial nervousness is gone, that maybe it would be better next time.”

“You don’t have to. It didn’t seem like something you enjoyed until I got my lips around your dick, and that’s okay.” Adam kissed Tommy again, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts and questions, but he pushed it all away. Tommy was there, in his arms, and he hadn’t run away from his fears; he was trying to resolve them. That was enough for now. 

_

A week passed and with it several more shows. Adam and Tommy fooled around a bit, but Adam didn’t go anywhere near Tommy’s ass. Tommy didn’t mention it either, so Adam left it alone.

They had a day off in Hamburg today, and Adam knew exactly how he wanted to spend it. Tommy seemed less than enthused, not because he didn’t want to have lunch with Adam, but because it was too cold for his delicate sensibilities. Adam laughed and told Tommy to throw on some layers, and that’s how they ended up sitting across from each other at an upscale sushi place. 

Adam noticed the way Tommy fidgeted in his seat until finally he stood up and took off his coat and hung it neatly on the back of the chair. 

“Warmer than you expected?” Adam quipped, a soft smile playing on his lips.

“A little,” Tommy replied while he settled back into his seat.

The waiter came over and handed them menus, offered them today’s specialties, and went on babbling about how fresh everything was. Adam shook his head when the man finally left them to peruse their menus. They were quiet, Adam really looking over each item and trying to decide which would be the least fattening. It seemed only moments later when the waiter returned. After they gave their orders, Adam asked the waiter to bring a bottle of their best wine, and then they were alone again. Well, semi-secluded in a corner booth anyway. 

“So, Amsterdam is next week, can you believe it? We get to perform in Amsterdam of all places.” Adam was truly excited at the prospect. 

“I know why you’re looking forward to it.” Tommy quirked his brow and mimed taking a hit.

“Oh come on, tell me that the prospect of that much weed isn’t enticing. I mean we could smoke some Purple Haze on fucking stage if we wanted to,” Adam joked, a laugh bubbling up at the image.

“Your wine,” the waiter interrupted. He provided wine glasses and a bucket of ice with a chilled wine bottle, then poured them each a glass and excused himself.

Tommy wrapped his fingers around the thin stem and Adam could see the cogs turning in his mind. Tommy was silent until after he’d taken a sip from his glass, then he looked at Adam. Adam knew that look; it suggested wickedness. He made a gesture with his hand as if to say: out with it. 

“We could, you know.”

“Could what?”

“We could bring out some Haze and smoke it while you’re singing about kissin’ me and I’m rockin’ a Hendrix solo.” 

Tommy’s eyes went dreamy and Adam knew Tommy was picturing it. “I couldn’t be held responsible for what I might do to you onstage, smokin’ up always makes me horny,” Adam whispered, not really wanting the other patrons to overhear. 

“Well, that just settles it then, let’s give the fans a real show,” said Tommy, and Adam had to admit the idea was more than a little tempting, enough so that his dick twitched. 

Soon after that, the waiter delivered their food and they ate while making small talk. When Adam finally pushed away his empty plate he was stuffed, but luckily he planned to take Tommy on a nice afternoon walk.

He originally intended for them to walk the streets and sightsee after lunch, but watching Tommy shivering like a Chihuahua made him change plans. After they paid the bill, Tommy slipped back into his jacket and then they headed back out to the rental car. Adam wasn’t sure he was ever going to get used to driving in such unfamiliar places, but the challenge was nice and with GPS he was more confidant that he wasn’t going to end up lost. He opened the door for Tommy and closed it once Tommy was safely inside. Once he got behind the wheel he programed the GPS to a lovely little mall he’d found when looking for shopping spots in Hamburg. At least this way he and Tommy could spend some time out together without Tommy becoming a popsicle. 

Once they pulled in, Tommy looked at Adam, his face falling. “Shopping Adam, really?”

“I wanted to sightsee, but I don’t think you wanna walk around in this cold, do you?”

The frown on Tommy’s face was quickly replaced with a smile, and they headed inside, Adam wearing a hat and sunglasses and Tommy huddled in his jacket and a beanie. He didn’t think they would be recognized here, but a little bit of disguise always helped. 

They walked around each floor, looking inside this store or that and somewhere along the way Adam found himself holding Tommy’s hand. When he realized how natural it felt, he squeezed Tommy’s fingers and smiled. There was no fear or hesitation in Tommy’s eyes and he seemed content walking hand in hand. Somehow it felt like a victory. Tommy was holding his hand where anyone could see. He absolutely was not flailing like a teenage girl inside. Or maybe he was, that is until he noticed an actual teenage girl watching them as they walked past, and she’d clearly recognized them. 

Adam held his breath, his eyes never leaving hers, even turning his head as they walked past to watch and see what she’d do. He expected to see a camera in her hand or maybe for her to follow them. Maybe come up and make a scene, but instead she smiled, gave him a thumbs up and headed into one of the stores. He felt intensely relieved, but also a little thrilled, knowing that someone outside their circle had seen them like this. Maybe she would write down her account and tweet it, but without a picture Adam felt secure. He turned back to Tommy, who’d been chatting about a pair of shoes he’d decided to purchase and seemed none the wiser. Adam nodded along and carefully slipped his fingers from Tommy’s hand. One fan’s story was just a rumor; he didn’t need anyone backing her up. 

Tommy just kept on chatting and they spent the afternoon walking and checking out cool little shops. Adam may have abused his credit card a couple of times. The afternoon ended with only a few bags, most of them his, at a small bakery. Tommy had been lured in by the scent of fresh bread. So they sat with their drinks and had dessert. It was a pretty good way to cap off an afternoon in Adam’s opinion, and judging the look in Tommy’s eyes, he was sure the evening would be even more entertaining.


	22. Chapter 22

Taking a hit onstage while rocking out to Hendrix was fucking surreal. Tommy was already high by show time, but with the crowd screaming and Adam’s voice climbing to the ceiling, Tommy was soaring. It wasn’t the first time he’d been high while playing, but it was his first time smoking it up onstage in fucking Amsterdam. He was a lucky bastard. The thought was even more prominent while watching Adam slink around the stage, taking hits between lyrics, his lips wrapping beautifully around his prize, and Tommy’s head swirled when the smoke curled up from Adam’s mouth. 

Tommy’s dick twitched, the sensory overload of this show along with the high making him horny. Adam seemed to be on the same page. He tugged Tommy back for a searing kiss against the platform and it was all personal, no fan service, his bass pressing into his cock when Adam ran his mic along the strings. Adam tasted like smoke and when he licked deeper into Tommy’s mouth, Tommy could taste the flavor that was purely Adam beneath it. His head swam, the sounds of his bass distant and overpowered by screaming fans. It was a heady rush and all he wanted to do was melt into the floor and let Adam take off his clothes right there onstage. He wanted Adam, needed Adam to take care of the overwhelming burn beneath his skin. When Adam released him he was weak in the knees and breathless, but somehow managed to play. The encore was a blur until he was shedding his bass and bowing at the edge of the stage. 

Goodnight, goodnight, finally time for a good night. Tommy headed offstage and he was just out of view when he felt strong arms wrap around him. _Fuck._ He needed Adam like air and he didn’t think twice about who might see them. He just turned around in Adam’s hold and pulled him into a kiss that was all desperation and very little skill. Adam didn’t seem to mind, not if the erection pressed against him was any indication. He loved when he and Adam were on the same page. 

“One more hit before we change?” Terrance’s words cut through the lust and need in Tommy’s brain and they pulled apart. Adam snatched the joint Terrance offered him and inhaled deeply, eyelids fluttering in pleasure. Then he handed it back to Terrance. Before Tommy could protest, Adam sealed their lips together and breathed the sweet smoke into his mouth. A shot of arousal hit Tommy so hard he felt his knees buckle. Even though his brain was lagging behind he managed to inhale the hit, trusting Adam to keep him on his feet. After a few seconds his lungs were burning for oxygen. He broke the kiss and blew a trail of smoke in the tiny space between them.

“The sooner we change, the sooner we can get the hell out of here,” Tommy whispered, a giggle following his words, even though they weren’t funny. 

That got Adam moving, and within thirty minutes they were all piled into the bus. The routine was second nature now, following Adam onto the bus and into his room. Tommy consciously kept space between them because neither of them needed to walk into the hotel looking like they’d mauled one another. It wasn’t easy, but soon they were at the hotel and got their keycards. They waved goodnight to the troupe and headed up to their room, Adam carrying a backpack. A bellhop followed close behind with their luggage. Once in the room, Adam tipped the man and bid him a goodnight. Then they were finally, _fucking finally_ alone. 

“Ready for some more Haze, baby? Gotta burn it up before we leave in the morning and I still have enough here for a couple more joints.”

“Roll it,” said Tommy. 

Tommy watched as Adam meticulously broke up the weed, spilling it into the paper he’d laid out on the table. Then Adam rolled it, carefully, but like a professional, and when he licked the edge and sealed it, Tommy was impressed. It looked like a cigarette. They stepped out onto the cold balcony and Adam lit the tip, the end going orange when he put it to his mouth for a hit. They huddled there, passing it back and forth until all that was left was a roach, and Adam flicked it into the trashcan on their way back inside. 

From there things were easy, the warmth of the room and the buzz coursing through Tommy’s body. Getting naked and sating the arousal running just beneath his skin seemed like the next logical course of action. He quickly shed his clothing and Adam followed suit, no words needed as they climbed into the big bed, Adam curling around him like a perfect blanket. 

They kissed, every touch of Adam’s lips making him more restless and needy. Not to mention the way Adam brushed his fingertips up and down Tommy’s side. He was hypersensitive, every touch enhanced somehow until it felt like he was going to explode unless Adam was inside him, their bodies as close as they could be without Adam melting into his skin, and even that wouldn’t be enough. He was scared, but not for the usual reasons, those doubts and fears were far away. It was the intense need that frightened him. _But Adam will take care of me. I know he will._

“Want you,” Tommy grunted into Adam’s mouth. 

Adam pulled away, pressing kisses across Tommy’s face and sucking on his earlobe. “How?” Adam purred, releasing Tommy’s ear long enough to breathe the word against Tommy’s damp skin. 

“Please, inside me, just… I want to feel you everywhere,” Tommy whimpered, hips bucking up into Adam’s length. 

Adam’s face became blank and he looked at Tommy like he was trying to see through him. “Are you sure? I want you so bad, baby, but I need you to really want it.”

“Yes, fuck, I’m sure, just… please,” said Tommy. 

Tommy expected more questions, but instead Adam clambered off the bed and hurried to his backpack. He tossed a small bottle of lube onto the bed and headed for the pile of clothes he’d taken off. Tommy watched curiously as Adam fished out his wallet, and a blush crept over his cheeks when he realized what Adam had gone after. Adam held the small foil packet between his fingers, eyeing it for a moment. 

“We’re in luck, it hasn’t expired,” Adam said, returning to the bed. “Gotta gimmie some room.” Adam gently parted Tommy’s legs and slid between them. Instead of the nervous jitters Tommy was expecting, he was more aroused. Adam was going to take care of him, make him feel good, make him better…make him whole again.

Adam gently and efficiently opened him up. Tommy was relaxed and though it didn’t necessarily feel good, it wasn’t the weird, awkward feeling he’d experienced the first time. He held onto the fact that Adam was going to fill him up, touch him everywhere, and make everything better. Yes! Everything _would_ be better, said his floating doped-up brain, and he would be freed from his worries and all his fears would be gone and they could go on with their lives as a couple. It was meant to happen this way, Tommy felt sure of it, the high to calm him and open him up for this. _Everything will be fine. And I deserve happiness with the man I lov — fuck, with Adam, I deserve happiness with Adam, right? And everything will be okay._ Then he heard the sound of a foil packet being opened, and all of his thoughts vanished. He focused on Adam rolling down the condom and then slicking it with a quick hand, and then Adam was right there in his face, a hand on his cheek. 

“You okay? Ready for this?” Adam asked, and Tommy looked up at Adam, a smile curling his lips. 

“Perfect,” Tommy replied, and pulled Adam down for a kiss. 

Adam shifted, his lips never leaving Tommy’s, but the hard press of Adam’s cock against his hole took over the focus in his brain, the kiss going sloppy. 

“Bear down for me,” Adam breathed into his mouth. 

When Tommy did, the sudden burn and stretch of the head pushing in left him tense and breathless. But Adam was murmuring soft words in his ear and he didn’t move. He finally relaxed a fraction, panting against the burn. Then he looked up at Adam. Adam’s eyes were locked on his face. “I’m… fine,” Tommy huffed even though he didn’t feel fine, he felt like his body was being split in two. He was suddenly terrified; if he couldn’t do this, if he couldn’t relax into this…well he didn’t want to think about it. 

“Ready for more?” 

“More, yes,” Tommy replied, even though he wasn’t sure he could take it. 

Adam was gentle. He pushed in a little and then pulled out, tiny little thrusts, giving Tommy a bit more each time. But after several minutes, Tommy felt as if he’d been skewered like a piece of beef. The burn was intense, but it was the fullness, that feeling like Adam was rearranging his insides that had him on the verge of panic. It was the wrong kind of fullness, the kind that hurt but didn’t fulfill. Tommy carefully controlled himself. He didn’t want Adam to pull out, not after all the work he’d put into getting it in there. Maybe this was just like the first time Adam had fingered him. That didn’t turn out too bad, even though it hadn’t been what he expected. He just needed to keep an open mind.

“Come on,” he urged, hoping that when his body adjusted to the invasion, it would be what he was longing for: the moment of clarity, where he would feel Adam filling all the holes that time had pelted into his soul. 

“Easy, stay nice and relaxed for me. I’m going to throw one of your legs over my shoulder so I can angle myself to hit your prostate, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Tommy winced when Adam tugged his leg up, then his hips rose and Adam slipped even deeper. He wanted to cry out, but he bit hard on his lip and swallowed the sound, then grabbed his dick in hopes it would make it better. In that moment he realized he was completely soft. His erection had flagged when Adam entered him. He squeezed a manipulated himself until he started to get hard and Adam began thrusting slowly inside him. 

Minutes passed, and with each one that ticked away his anxiety rose. Nothing was different. It hurt, and he still felt emptiness inside him that he’d hoped Adam could fill. Instead, the ugliness of the dream that had haunted him for weeks began to taunt him. He tensed up, his breathing going ragged, his heart beating faster in his chest. _I’m not a fag, not a… fuck I can’t do this. I thought this would fix everything, put my demons to rest, but they’re still there._ And then he knew he was about to do something he’d hoped he would never have to do. 

“Stop, stop, fuck, I can’t,” Tommy said, his voice high-pitched and squeaky. 

Adam immediately pulled out without question. When Tommy looked up at him, he could see the questions in his eyes. 

And Tommy knew that the next words to come out of his mouth would ruin the best friendship he’d ever had. But he couldn’t let Adam go on living a half-life, just because he couldn’t control his fears. What was that old saying? If you love someone, let them go? Tears blurred his vision, the aching in his heart even worse now than when his dad passed, because he was going to lose the one person who’d been there to make it better.

The sound of his own breathing sounded harsh in his ears. His hair tickled the side of his face. His nerves jumped at the sensation, he huffed out a panicked breath and then words started spilling out of him unchecked.

“I’m not bisexual, this… what we just did. Fuck, I hoped it would fix things, but it’s only turned everything upside down. I can’t do this anymore Adam. I can’t be with you…” Tommy got out of the bed, his ass already sore, and quickly threw on his clothes. He headed to the door and heard Adam’s voice behind him, but his own panicky thoughts obscured the words.

Tommy ran. He ran down the hallway until he hit the elevator and when the doors closed he fished out his phone. It wasn’t until he reached the lobby that he could get reception so he stepped out, but stayed right in front of the elevator. He was shaking, tears spilling down his face so fast that it was hard to navigate the contacts in his phone. He called Isaac, and it rang several times before a sleepy voice came on the line.

“What’s wrong?” 

The words only made him cry harder. “What room are you in?” he asked, and when Isaac gave him the number he hopped back on the elevator and went right to his door.

…

Adam replayed the scene in his mind for what felt like hours.

They stepped back inside the hotel and Adam flicked the joint into the trashcan. The room was warm and he noticed Tommy already slipping out of his clothes, so he quickly followed suit. When Adam climbed into bed he smiled, noting the key that sat low on Tommy’s chest. Tommy always wore it and it warmed Adam’s heart knowing Tommy loved his gift. He curled around Tommy, enjoying the way Tommy felt beneath him.

Making out with Tommy was always amazing, but tonight with the weed loosening his limbs, he felt more relaxed and content than he had since the tour began. Tommy was restless beneath him, making these sweet little noises into Adam’s mouth and writhing when he ran his fingers up Tommy’s side. Adam loved Tommy when he was this desperate; this Tommy didn’t have any inhibitions. Adam let himself be pulled closer until he was pressing Tommy into the bed.

“Want you,” Tommy grunted into his mouth. 

Adam pulled away, pressed kisses across Tommy’s face and sucked on his earlobe. “How?” he purred. 

“Please, inside me, just… I want to feel you everywhere,” Tommy whimpered, hips bucking up into him. 

Adam froze and stared at Tommy, trying to see what was going on in his head. This wasn’t something he wanted to rush into, no matter what Tommy thought he wanted. He needed Tommy to be sure. “Are you sure? I want you so bad, baby, but I need you to really want it.”

“Yes, fuck, I’m sure, just… please,” said Tommy. 

As much as his stomach twisted with nervousness, he took Tommy at his word. Tonight…all the weed…it could be just the thing to calm Tommy’s fears long enough to let Adam in. It was a chance he’d have to take, and hoped he wouldn’t regret it in the morning. He got up and grabbed the lube from his backpack and threw it on the bed before turning to his discarded clothing. He thought he had a condom in his wallet, and it was much easier to get to than going through his suitcase. He fished it out and squinted in the lamplight. 

“We’re in luck, it hasn’t expired,” Adam said, returning to the bed. “Gotta gimmie some room.” Adam used a hand on each of Tommy’s legs to part them so he could settle in between. He swallowed down the butterflies in his stomach. Tommy had asked for this and Adam was going to go slow and make Tommy’s first time something he wouldn’t forget.

Adam took the time to open Tommy up on his fingers, carefully working until three fingers slid in and out without resistance. Tommy was relaxed and quiet while Adam worked and when he pulled his fingers out, Tommy didn’t react. It wasn’t until Adam picked up the condom that Tommy looked down at him, watching intently while Adam rolled down the condom and lubed himself up. Adam used his clean hand to cup Tommy’s cheek. 

“You okay? Ready for this?” Adam asked, and Tommy looked up at him, a smile curling his lips. 

“Perfect,” Tommy replied and pulled him down for a kiss. 

Adam used his slick hand to position himself at Tommy’s hole, never breaking their kiss. Tommy’s kissing became distracted, and Adam sent out a small prayer to the universe that he was doing the right thing.

“Bear down for me,” he breathed into Tommy’s mouth. 

Tommy did as he requested and Adam pushed in carefully until Tommy’s body closed around the head. Adam was assaulted by countless sensations and emotions, but mainly he was feeling love for Tommy, the love he had yet to confess. Tommy tensed around him and Adam mumbled soft words of encouragement into Tommy’s ear. He was so happy that Tommy trusted him to do this, and he wanted so badly to make it good for him. Adam’s eyes never left Tommy’s face, and when Tommy looked up at him, Adam saw the discomfort he was trying so hard to hide. 

“I’m… fine,” Tommy huffed, but Adam didn’t believe him for a minute. Instead he gave Tommy time to adjust, even though holding still was a test of his willpower. Tommy’s muscles were twitching and squeezing him and it felt amazing. He wanted Tommy to feel this good, too. 

“Ready for more?” 

“More, yes,” Tommy replied.

Adam started with gentle thrusts, giving Tommy just a little more each time, carefully watching his face for any sign that it was beyond what he could handle. The tension in Tommy’s body hadn’t lessened, but he was breathing, and as difficult as Adam knew this could be, he also knew that the pain would melt away when Tommy relaxed. 

“Come on,” Tommy urged.

“Easy, stay nice and relaxed for me. I’m going to throw one of your legs over my shoulder so I can angle myself to hit your prostate, okay?” 

“Yeah.” Tommy winced when he tugged the leg up. Tommy’s hips rose and Adam slipped even deeper inside. He watched as Tommy played with himself until he was hard. He pushed again, slowly, enjoying the feel of finally being inside him, but Tommy was still tenser than Adam expected, and it only got worse. Tommy began breathing faster and Adam knew something was wrong. Not a second after the thought crossed his mind, Tommy looked up at him again.

“Stop, stop, fuck, I can’t,” Tommy said in a high, panicky voice. 

Adam pulled out, not knowing what to say and just stared at Tommy, feeling helpless and scared. He squeezed his eyes shut at the feeling of dread inside him. He’d never had someone react to him that way. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do so he watched Tommy expectantly, waiting for an explanation or something to quell the erratic beating of his heart. 

Tommy’s eyes flitted to a lock of hair on his cheek and then back at Adam. He couldn’t help but thinking Tommy looked like a deer caught in headlights. It was kind of how Adam felt, waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“I’m not bisexual, this… what we just did. Fuck, I hoped it would fix things, but it’s only turned everything upside down. I can’t do this anymore Adam. I can’t be with you…” 

Adam wanted to throw up. Tommy was already up and out of the bed, throwing on his clothes without giving Adam a chance to say anything. Adam got up and followed. “Tommy, hey, fuck! It’s okay. It’s okay. We can work through this. We don’t have to have sex. I’m —” The door shut in his face. “In love with you!” Adam yelled, his heart shattering in his chest. 

Tears threatening to spill, Adam dragged himself back to the bed, defeated and alone. The bed smelled like Tommy. Adam curled up in the sheets and cried. He longed for someone to hold him and tell him that things were going to be all right, but it was so late. Terrance would surely be asleep. So Adam just cried and relived the whole horrible thing in his mind until he ran out of tears. Even then, dry sobs continued to wrack his body.

Maybe it was all just a bad dream. Surely this wouldn’t be the end. Just because Tommy ran away didn’t mean they couldn’t work this out. He held onto that thought as his body finally reached the point of exhaustion, pulling him into a dreamless sleep.


	23. Chapter 23

Tommy was a trembling mess when he knocked on Isaac’s door. Isaac opened it almost immediately and pulled him inside with a firm grip on his wrist. 

“What happened?” he asked, using his hold to pull Tommy to the bed. 

A huge lump in Tommy’s throat along with the crying made it hard to breathe, let alone speak. He knew if he didn’t talk that Isaac would call Adam and that would only make things worse. “I…just broke Adam’s heart. S’fucking what I was trying so hard not to do. Damn it I always fuck shit up. It’s always my fault. S’why relationships never work out for me,” he blubbered through the tears. 

Isaac rubbed his back and made soothing noises, but didn’t speak. Tommy was thankful for his patience. Isaac would listen no matter if it took him all night to spit it out. For a good half hour he just let himself cry and listened to the soft murmuring of Isaac’s voice in his ears. It didn’t quiet the aching in his chest, not even a fraction. Adam had been everything to him since his dad passed. But he knew he had to let him go. That hurt more than anything else because he honestly wasn’t sure he could. It would be like cutting off his arm or never playing guitar again. Losing Adam would be like the world going quiet forever, never hearing Adam’s melodic laugh or feeling Adam’s voice take him higher than he’d ever been. The thought made him feel sick and panicky. Maybe in the morning he could pretend this never happened and go back to Adam. Tommy sighed, the tears finally slowing, his breathing calming a fraction. 

“I fucked up, Isaac. I don’t know how to fix it.” 

“If you wanna tell me about it…”

“We were high and I was relaxed and apparently not really thinking. I thought it was time for us to finally take that last step. I needed to know… I… I don’t think I’m bi. I kinda freaked out on Adam, he… didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t hurt me. It just wasn’t what sex should be and I don’t wanna hold Adam back. He should have someone in his life who can give that to him and I can’t. I’m gonna lose him because I have to let him go.” Tommy choked on the last words because they felt so wrong in his mouth. 

“Adam’s happy, or he was with you, Tommy. Adam wouldn’t care if you didn’t want that. You’ve been intimate with him in so many other ways, and you enjoyed that right?” 

“Yeah,” Tommy mumbled. 

“Then I think you are bi. Maybe you just aren’t meant to bottom.” Isaac suggested, giving Tommy a small smile. 

Tommy turned the words over in his head. Maybe Isaac had a point because Tommy loved being with Adam, loved the way Adam made him feel. But it didn’t fix anything, because Adam was a top. Everyone knew that. Even if Adam was willing to bottom, and Tommy had no doubt he would if asked, it wasn’t something Tommy wanted. Fucking Adam wasn’t the way he envisioned their relationship and he couldn’t fathom asking Adam to commit to him when he couldn’t give Adam everything some other guy could. It didn’t matter how much it hurt. 

“Maybe, but that doesn’t solve me feeling like I would be holding him back.”

“Are you really that dense? He loves you, you wouldn’t be holding him back,” said Isaac, so firmly that Tommy expected him to try and shake some sense into him. 

“I hear you, I do, and it’s because I love him that I’m doing this. I’m trying my damndest to do what I feel is right.” 

Isaac obviously realized it was pointless to keep arguing. Tommy was determined to do what he believed was best for Adam, and nothing Isaac said would change it. Isaac fell asleep beside him, but Tommy couldn’t sleep, he was too busy thinking about Adam. Adam’s smile, his laugh, the way he held Tommy like he was something special, those were the things he was going to miss the most. It was daylight before he knew it and his eyes were puffy and burned from all of the tears. 

Tommy convinced Isaac to go get his luggage from Adam’s room. He knew he couldn’t put off seeing Adam forever, but he just wasn’t ready yet. He wanted to wallow in his emotions for just a little longer. They checked out of the hotel and headed to the airport shortly after Isaac returned with his things, looking more than a little glum. Tommy wasn’t surprised to find that he wasn’t sitting beside Adam on the flight. He and Isaac had seats together and he didn’t see Adam at any point. Even after they landed it was like Adam disappeared the minute the plane hit the tarmac. 

Tommy’s heart clenched. They couldn’t avoid each other forever and tomorrow night they had a show. He wasn’t sure that seeing each other for the first time again onstage was the best idea, but it seemed that Adam was avoiding him. He didn’t blame Adam, and honestly as much as he wanted to go to Adam and apologize and ask to start over, he knew it wasn’t fair when the outcome would always be the same. 

…

When consciousness returned, Adam felt around the sheets, wanting nothing more than to pull Tommy close and nuzzle his nose in Tommy’s hair. When all he felt was empty, cold sheets, reality assaulted him, one image quickly following another as the whole thing played out in his mind yet again. He rubbed irritably at his eyes – they felt matted together – but when he finally opened them all he wanted to do was curl up and go back to sleep. At least when he was sleeping it hadn’t hurt. Not the way it did now. 

“Fuck,” he muttered angrily. 

Adam knew when Tommy suggested they have sex that it was a terrible idea. They were both high and letting their bodies do the talking. On the other hand he supposed it was better Tommy figured it out now. This way Tommy could go back to fucking girls and Adam could move on with his life. The thought made Adam’s chest tighten and his heart quiver. He didn’t want to move on. He wanted to rewind last night, tell Tommy no, and if he had, he would’ve woken up to Tommy in his arms. Tommy _belonged_ in his arms. 

For a second, a thought from last night returned to his mind. Maybe it would all blow over, maybe they could fix it. Maybe a little time to cool down would give them the perspective that they needed, would help them remember how much they cared for each other and that they could work through it. _But the world is full of maybes and what ifs… that’s not how things work, and our lives aren’t fairytales. Happily ever after is a pipedream. It’s over._

Adam felt the tears falling, hot and dissatisfying because they didn’t change anything. They sure as hell didn’t make him feel any better. He wiped at them angrily and grabbed his phone. It was still early, three hours before checkout, but he needed someone. 

Adam swallowed the lump in his throat and went through his contacts. Selecting the name he held the phone to his ear, trying to calm himself. 

“Hello,” came Terrance’s voice. 

“Terr,” Adam croaked. 

“Boo?” Terrance sounded more awake now, voice filled with concern, but Adam didn’t know what to say. “Adam? Talk to me.” 

“I need you,” he whimpered, feeling like a pathetic little boy who couldn’t deal with getting his heart broken again. 

“I’m coming.” The call disconnected and Adam sighed, throwing his legs off the bed. He got up long enough to put on some underwear, piss, and grab the box of tissues from the desk. By the time he was ready to crawl back into bed he heard a knock on his door. He checked the peephole on the off chance a fan had found him, but it was just Terrance, and as soon as he opened the door he was pulled into a hug. 

When Terrance finally released him, his eyes were filled with unshed tears again. He stumbled back to the bed knowing Terrance would follow and soon he was wrapped in the comfort of Terrance’s arms. It was familiar, something he’d done so many times before that he didn’t feel self-conscious when the tears finally won their battle and spilled down his cheeks. Terrance let him cry until the sobs dissipated and Terrance’s shirt was wet beneath his cheek. He wanted to feel angry, wanted to hate Tommy because he could deal with anger. This was so far from anger that it was the opposite end of the galaxy, and his chest ached with it. 

“You were right,” Adam whispered. 

Terrance would never say I told you so. “I’m sorry,” he replied softly and kissed the top of Adam’s head. 

“It was worth it.” The words surprised him, but they were true. _It was worth it,_ he repeated in his mind, turning the words over and inspecting them. He let himself feel the pain and then remembered every night he’d held Tommy in his arms, every kiss they shared, and every little smile Tommy gave him. Maybe it was worth it, and time might heal this pain, he hoped. Surely with time he could look back at this and not remember the heartache. 

“As long as you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” Adam lied. He couldn’t wallow in his misery, not now. There was still the tour to handle, a couple of shows left to give. No one said he had to face Tommy until show time, but then, he’d have to suck it up and give the fans what they deserved, no matter what he was feeling. 

“Well, you wanna tell me what happened?”

Adam’s eyes burned, a new wave of tears threatening to trail down his cheeks. As much as he wanted to confide in Terrance, he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell him what happened. The words were there, but they were stuck in his throat. He shook his head ‘no,’ and gave into his emotions. He knew it wouldn’t last forever, but right now he was going to let himself feel, grieve, and cry as much as possible before he had to leave this damned hotel room. When he walked out he wouldn’t let himself cry anymore. He was a big boy, he could handle it. 

A knock on the door pulled Adam from his muddled thoughts and he realized he was clinging to Terrance. Terrance carefully pried himself out of Adam’s grip and went to the door. Adam pulled the sheet up over himself until it reached his neck and buried his face in the pillows. He heard the exchange, Terrance opening the door and Isaac’s voice drifting to his ears. Adam cried that much harder when Isaac mentioned retrieving Tommy’s things to take back to him. It was over quickly, the door shutting behind Isaac and Terrance returning to the bed. Adam practically crawled on top of Terrance, but he didn’t complain. He held Adam close. 

Thoughts whirled through Adam’s head, how raw his throat felt from all the crying, how shitty he would look once he cleaned up, how red his nose would be when he left the room to head to the airport. All the makeup in the world couldn’t change it. At least the show wasn’t until tomorrow night. He didn’t have to face Tommy until then, for better or worse. He knew he could do it. He had to do it for the fans. There was still a lingering seed of doubt in his mind that the minute he saw Tommy again, he would break down right there onstage. He pushed everything away and focused on Terrance’s warm body beneath him. He would get through this; this wasn’t any different than all the other heartache he’d been through in his life, and so what if he was lying to himself. If it kept him functioning he’d lie until he was blue in the face.


	24. Chapter 24

It was almost show time in Vienna, and Tommy sat quietly in front of the mirror applying his makeup with a shaky hand. He noted the dark circles beneath his eyes and carefully dotted concealer in just the right places. He hadn’t slept in three days, since the night before Amsterdam.

Everyone else around him was chattering about the show, but he couldn’t make himself pay attention. He concentrated on putting on his eyeliner, trying his hardest to ignore the fact he’d not seen Adam all day. Not that he’d gone looking for him, but that was beside the point. 

Tommy felt like zombie bats were eating away at his insides, his nerves ratcheting higher with every minute that ticked by. When his makeup was on he went to his bag and pulled out his stage clothes. He didn’t think anything of it when he stripped in front of everyone and pulled on his outfit. He did, however, notice the slight twinge in his muscles when he bent over and he winced, his mind assaulted with memories. It was the vision of Adam pushing inside him that hit him the hardest, the look of complete rapture on Adam’s face, followed quickly by the confused, hurt look when Tommy had freaked. He sighed and shook his head. How the hell could he face Adam like this? 

Tommy really had no idea if he could face Adam at all. Maybe the minute Adam hit the stage and Tommy saw the hurt in his eyes, he would run away. His gut tightened and his nerves hinged up to a panicky level. He didn’t realize how fast he was breathing until Isaac touched his shoulder. His knees hit the floor and he doubled over, eyes squeezed shut, trying to make himself calm down. He couldn’t play like this, and he couldn’t leave Adam without a fucking bass player. _Get it together. You’re a grown man and you are the one who made this mess, now deal with it!_ Like that was so helpful, but he knew he had to clean this shit up, somehow. Then Isaac’s voice pulled him back into reality. 

“I’m okay, don’t need a medic,” he choked out. 

“You sure?” Isaac asked.

“Positive, just needed a minute.” When Tommy finally got back to his feet everyone was looking at him. Curiosity painted their features, all but two. Both Isaac and Terrance shared looks of dread. He couldn’t blame them. Tonight’s show could very easily turn into a clusterfuck, but he was going to do his best to keep this situation out of the public eye. Adam was hurting enough without adding nosey fans to his plate, not that they weren’t already intrusive, but the less they knew about Tommy and Adam’s actual relationship, the better.

Tommy was still shaken and out of sorts when they got the call for show time. He realized then that he hadn’t had a bite to eat today and strangely enough, not a drop of alcohol either. He’d chugged a couple of energy drinks though, and that could definitely explain the thumping of his heart right now. Or so he thought until he stepped on the stage and felt the anxious energy of the crowd. It amped up his own nervousness tenfold and he was nauseated when he slipped the strap to his bass over his shoulder. He saw some bottled water beside his amp, popped one open and drank deeply until he was fraction more settled in his skin. 

“I can do this,” he murmured to himself. 

Tommy gave the fans yelling his name a half smile and a tiny wave of acknowledgement. Seconds later the track with the backing vocals for Voodoo kicked in and Tommy sucked in a breath, letting his fingers walk the bass lines he could play in his sleep. His gaze slid from the floor up to the platform where Adam was standing. His heart ached as he took in Adam’s familiar silhouette against the nighttime sky. He focused on his playing and where he was supposed to be onstage as Voodoo melted into For Your Entertainment, but when Down the Rabbit Hole started he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. This was the point in their little game when Adam usually touched him for the first time during the show. He stepped into place and waited, holding his breath. 

“It starts in his bass,” Adam sang, and slid his arm over Tommy’s shoulder, one hand playing with Tommy’s nipple for a split second, and then he was gone. 

Tommy could feel the phantom touch of Adam’s fingers and his body was hyperaware of it. He presumed Adam went along with it because any misstep in their little game of fan service would have the fans talking. Then it was Ring of Fire and Tommy curled around his bass, Adam’s voice wrenching his heart into a million pieces. This was the first song he’d ever heard Adam sing. He remembered it vividly, his cousin excitedly babbling about this amazing singer on Idol. She’d insisted that Tommy watch Adam’s performance, and when he’d finally caved to her whining he was more than a little impressed, envious even. That voice was something that had stuck with him, and later when he’d heard about auditions for Adam’s band, he knew he wanted to play for him. The memories hurt now; where there once was fire and beauty in those memories he now saw the remnants of them dusted in ash. He shook off the image.

It was time for the moment Tommy had been dreading since he stepped out on stage. _Fever._ He watched Adam descend the stairs before the song started and sip his water, then the music began and Tommy turned toward Adam, taking the same steps he’d taken so many times before, but this time he wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Adam faced him and Tommy saw a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes.

“There he goes, my baby walks so slow…” Adam sang, until he was almost right in Tommy’s face. “Hah, hah…” he continued, and Tommy realized Adam had completely spaced on the rest of the lyrics. They both recognized it at the same time, and Tommy found himself pulling away, laughing at how some things were completely the same. Adam fumbled the lyrics a little more and threw his arm around Tommy. “Hi Tommy,” Adam said before kissing him. The kiss was short and stilted, and when Adam pulled away Tommy saw a smile on Adam’s face that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Tommy smiled, too, and hoped the ‘I’m sorry,” came across clearly.

After that the show spun away from him, one song melting into another, Adam drifting in and out of Tommy’s personal space just as he’d always done. It was all so familiar that Tommy almost wondered if the night in Amsterdam had been a bad dream. So much so that he itched to kiss Adam, but he pulled those thoughts back. He’d done enough. And now as he took his bow, he realized what he really needed was to drown in a bottle of something that would put some hair on his chest and hopefully knock him the fuck out.

…

Adam was broken when he took his final bow. Having to put on a smile and act like everything was fine for the audience was almost more than he could take. He trudged into his dressing room and shut the door. He didn’t want to ever have to do that again, but he knew he would have to repeat it all over again tomorrow night. There would be a different bunch of faces watching his every move expectantly. Their energy blasting at him, his every action studied by thousands of eyes, all of them waiting to see him kiss Tommy. 

He wondered why he’d thought it would be a good idea to kiss Tommy during Fever almost every show, but when it began he’d never thought it would melt into reality. He’d never predicted that he would be able to kiss Tommy offstage, or that Tommy would willingly reciprocate. Now he would have to kiss those lips until the end of the tour and die a little more inside each time. Anything else and his hoards of fans would start asking questions that were too painful to answer. Better to just put on a happy face onstage and give them what they wanted. In less than a month it would be over. Then he would never kiss Tommy again. 

There were tears he refused to acknowledge streaming down his cheeks when he ditched his stage outfit and climbed in the shower. He wanted to wash the show away, wipe away any part of Tommy that might still be clinging to his skin. He didn’t want a single trace to remind him of Tommy; it was too painful. He scrubbed his skin with a washcloth until it was flushed and irritated, and he felt more than a little foolish when he scrubbed his lips much the same way. Like he could ever wash away the memory of Tommy’s lips pressed to his. Adam sniffed, and rubbed at his face until the cloth was covered in eyeliner, foundation, and tears. The shower stall was small, but he pressed back into the wall and slid down, the tiles cold against his back, until his bare ass was on the floor and his knees were against his chest. There he sat, letting the stall fog up with the heat of the water pelting his knees, and cried. He sat there until the water ran cool, and then he pulled himself together. 

Adam groaned when his knee popped as he stood and shut off the water. He grabbed the towel and dried himself. It always felt strange being naked in a venue, but he couldn’t resist a shower after sweating that much onstage. He sighed and blinked several times. His eyes felt irritated; he’d probably gotten eyeliner in them from scrubbing his face so hard. The sting was familiar, more than just the burn from crying. He rubbed at them impatiently, just another thing he wanted to be angry about. He was too tired to be angry though. 

He pulled on his street clothes and toweled at his dripping hair until he looked like a cockatoo bird. Without a thought he grabbed his brush, slicked back his hair, and pulled on a beanie. The trip from the venue to the bus was going to be extra cold so he made a point to bundle up before heading out. By the time he finally exited the venue it seemed like everyone else was already on the bus and most of the fans had gone home. The few that were still waiting were respectful and he signed their things before bidding them goodnight.

Adam didn’t realize until he got on the bus and glanced at the illuminated numbers on the digital clock that over an hour had passed since the show had ended. It seemed that the dancers had gone to their bunks because the bus was quiet and dark, save for the small light the driver had yet to turn off. He frowned, having hoped that Terrance would still be up. He stepped further into their small living room and was startled by the sound of someone clearing their throat. He reached around for the lamp above the dinette area and flicked it on. The bulb came to life and blinded him for a moment. When he turned back around all he could see was black spots in front of his eyes where Tommy’s face should have been.

“Hi.” Tommy’s voice was barely more than a whisper.

When the black finally cleared from Adam’s vision, he cringed a little at the look in Tommy’s eyes. It was much the same look he’d seen in his own while putting on his makeup for the show just a few hours ago. 

“What are you doing here,” Adam asked, and it came out snappier than he intended. 

“I just, I haven’t seen you.” 

“Well, after the other night I didn’t really think you would want to buddy-buddy up with me, ya know? You ran out so fast I’m pretty sure you thought your ass was on fire.” Again Adam felt horrible for snapping at Tommy, but he was tired and more than a little hurt that Tommy hadn’t given them the chance to talk through it that night. Then he looked at Tommy again, noted the lack of makeup and the dark circles under his eyes. He stepped closer, unable to resist the need to touch him, but when he got within a foot of Tommy he caught a whiff of alcohol so strong it almost took his breath. “Oh, I see, watcha drinking, Tommy? Gonna let your booze of choice make some more bad decisions for you?”

“No,” Tommy said quietly.

Adam could see Tommy’s eyes getting glassy with unshed tears and he felt like the lowest scum of the earth in that moment. Making Tommy cry was not going to make him feel better. It wouldn’t change the facts and would only make the next few shows harder to get through. “So why are you here, Tommy Joe?”

“I… I tried drinking after the show, hoping maybe it would help me sleep. After lying in my bunk on the band bus for an hour, no sleepier than I’ve been in the past couple of days, we still weren’t moving. I figured we were still waiting on you so I got up and got on your bus to wait for you.”

“Why?” Adam needed to know the answer to that more than he needed to breathe. 

“I don’t know how to sleep without you,” Tommy croaked, the light from the lamp highlighting tear tracks marring his pale cheeks.

Adam sighed and bit his lip, his emotions boiling to the surface and causing tears of his own to slide down his face. Tommy couldn’t sleep without him and Adam just wanted to sleep his life away. Funny how differently people dealt with heartache, but Adam had learned when he was asleep it didn’t hurt. Finally after mulling it over and seeing Tommy looking up at him expectantly, he called to the bus driver to start up, and offered his hand to Tommy. It was fucked up, seriously and horribly fucked up, letting Tommy into his bed. Still he held Tommy tightly in his arms after they got in, and ignored the tears that clung to his eyelashes when he closed his eyes to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright love bugs, there's just 6 chapters left to post. What do you guys see happening?
> 
> Also I accept donations in the form of awesome comments, kudos, and plane tickets to NY for MSG. lol Kidding about that last one, but hopefully if I can make it work I might get to meet some of you at the MSG Queenbert show.


	25. Chapter 25

It was almost a week since Vienna and they’d just finished a show in Manchester. Each night Tommy had found himself in Adam’s bed, Adam’s warmth wrapped around him while he dozed in and out on consciousness. It wasn’t a restful sleep really, but it was more than he would get otherwise and at least this way Adam was kind of talking to him. The conversations were awkward, stilted and uncomfortable, but Adam hadn’t shut him out. When he was sleeping in Adam’s arms he could almost pretend things were still okay, until Adam woke up and Tommy could see the pain in his eyes. 

The show had gone down without a hitch despite the fact that Tommy was drinking like a fish onstage. Red solo cups could be his partner now. Their contents comforted him, made him loose and relaxed, which usually aided in making stupid decisions. But they also dulled the ache that being near Adam caused. He wanted nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were before, but that would be selfish. Adam deserved better than Tommy, who couldn’t take it up the ass the way the other guys who fawned over Adam would. It was for the best and he kept telling himself that, not that it changed the need to be in Adam’s orbit all the time. 

He headed offstage and to the band’s dressing room to pack up. When he finished he carried his bag down the narrow, poorly lit hallway to Adam’s dressing room and knocked on the door. Adam answered, waving Tommy in without a word. Then he disappeared to the shower. Tommy sighed to himself. Adam was bare faced, freckles dotting his face, lips, and every other expanse of skin his stage outfit revealed. Tommy wanted to touch them, lick them. _Get a grip._ He couldn’t let his damned alcohol drenched mind start something he couldn’t finish. _Or could he?_ posed the devil on his shoulder. Would stepping over that boundary really be so bad? Would kissing Adam again offstage really hurt anything? One little kiss? His body burned with the thoughts. While having Adam hold him every night was amazing, he missed the closeness and intimacy. 

Tommy raked his hand through his hair in agitation. “Nope, no, no,” he muttered to himself and flopped onto the couch. He reached into his bag for the bottle of whiskey he’d stashed earlier. He’d already consumed a fourth of the beautiful amber liquid before they reached the venue. During the night the bar had provided the drinks onstage and now, he wanted more. He unscrewed the cap, his ear tuned in to the sound of the shower running. He took a swig, and then another, enjoying the burn as it slid down his throat. Maybe by the time they headed to the bus he would pass out. Then worrying about whether or not sticking his tongue in Adam’s mouth would be appropriate would no longer be an issue.

By the time Adam finished in the shower Tommy’s head was swimming. He capped the bottle he was still holding and swished the remaining liquid around, watching it slosh in the confined space. Then he peered at Adam through the bottle. He chuckled at how blurry and weird Adam was and how tawny Adam’s skin looked through the whiskey. In the next second the bottle slipped from his fingers. He held his breath and time seemed to slow down. He saw motion out of the corner of his eye and milliseconds before the bottle hit the ground, Adam snatched Tommy’s backpack and pulled it out of the way. Then he watched in sick fascination as the glass hit, breaking into several pieces and spilling the strong smelling liquid over the floor between his feet. Time returned to normal. He looked up to find Adam still gripping his backpack. 

“Thanks,” he whispered. “I’m such a clutz.” 

“No problem… I know you carry some of your electronics in there and I didn’t think you’d want them getting wet.”

“I wasn’t even thinking about them, so thanks.” He gave Adam a genuine smile, the first one in what felt like forever. Adam returned it and reached out a hand, helping Tommy to stand and maneuver around the glass at his feet. He shook one foot, then the other, in hopes of dislodging any shards that may have landed on him and wrinkled his nose at the feel of wetness. His jeans were clinging to his legs in certain places. “Fuck,” he groaned. “Must’ve sprayed my jeans.”

“Don’t worry about it. You can get out of them when we get on the bus. I’m sure you won’t be in them long once it’s time for bed anyway,” said Adam, and seconds later his eyes went wide as he realized what he’d said. 

Tommy giggled drunkenly, but when Adam joined in, his laugh sounded nervous and more than a little awkward. Tommy wondered if Adam was thinking about him naked. Either way, he couldn’t deny he was now thinking about being naked in Adam’s bed. Sometimes he forgot how alcohol sometimes made him horny and apparently tonight was one of those times. 

“Fuck,” he mumbled to himself. Adam gave him a questioning look, but he just shrugged and hoped like hell he didn’t have a boner when he crawled into bed tonight with his boss. 

…

Adam was apparently the king of sticking his foot in his mouth, because as soon as he suggested Tommy wouldn’t be in those jeans long, his brain provided him with an image of just what was underneath all that denim. He groaned to himself and was surprised to hear Tommy mutter a curse word under his breath. Always fucking things up, as if sleeping with the guy who freaked out on you the minute you had sex wasn’t weird enough. 

He was pretty sure that after the tour was over he was going to have to see a therapist. He definitely knew he needed to work out his emotions about this situation and he needed professional help. But right now there was nothing he could do to make this any less strange, so he packed up his shit and then they headed out to the bus. When he climbed in, the dancers were still chatting and watching a movie, but Adam wasn’t in the mood. He did, however, notice the look of disdain on Terrance’s face upon seeing Tommy following behind him. He’d gotten quite the earful from Terrance about how letting Tommy back in his bed wasn’t the first step in moving on, but Adam turned a blind eye. You do stupid things when you’re in love with someone, and no matter how much Tommy had hurt him, every fiber of Adam’s being still loved him. He knew his days of spending time with Tommy like this were numbered, so he was going to keep letting Tommy in, even though it felt like torture. 

Together they shuffled to his bedroom, Tommy stumbling more than once, and after they both made it through their night time routines and crawled into his bed, Adam expected Tommy to turn his back and let Adam spoon him just like every other night since Vienna. Tonight though, in the soft light of the overhead lamp, Tommy lay facing him, looking up at him through long lashes. 

“I need you.” The words were so soft Adam wasn’t sure he’d heard them. “Please.” This time the word was barely a whisper. 

_Dear Universe, why are you testing me this way?_ The question pelted his brain again and again. _I can’t do this, Tommy. I don’t know what you want from me. You’re the one who ran away._ It was everything he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Not with Tommy looking at him, so vulnerable and trusting. He couldn’t turn him away. 

He went against every instinct screaming at him to shield his heart, to protect himself. He leaned forward and let their lips meet. Images flashed behind his eyelids, the kiss dredging up flashes of other kisses. Their first offstage kiss, Tommy drunk off his ass after coming back from visiting his dad. He hadn’t known then how that one kiss would change his life, but he was thankful for it. Several more kisses played in succession, each one better than the last until his memory was assaulted by the phantom scent of Purple Haze. The memory of licking traces of smoke from Tommy’s lips. How had one night destroyed them? He pushed away his thoughts and focused on the feeling of Tommy’s tongue tracing his lower lip. Tommy licked until Adam parted his lips, then nipped and sucked at his bottom lip until Adam felt himself getting hard. It was agony having Tommy like this and knowing he couldn’t have him, but he would take this. He would take what Tommy was giving him.

Adam kissed Tommy like a dying man trying to savor his last meal until his heart shuddered painfully. He groaned then and pulled away. Tommy’s eyes fluttered open, confusion written all over his face. 

“You’re drunk,” said Adam. “I think we should go to sleep.” He heard the crack in his voice as tears threatened to overwhelm him. 

“Okay,” muttered Tommy. 

Adam saw the look of rejection in Tommy’s face, but just he couldn’t do this after all. He couldn’t let Tommy in again without losing himself in the process. Tommy turned over and when his breathing slowed to sleep, Adam let the tears fall. He cried until his body was shaking so hard with sobs that he woke up Tommy. 

Tommy hugged the arm wrapped around his body closer and pulled Adam’s hand to his mouth. He pressed a gentle kiss to Adam’s palm. “I’m sorry.” His words were laced with tears. 

They cried together, mourned together. Adam knew that after this tour he would have to find a new bass player. He couldn’t do another tour with Tommy. They would only hurt each other more by not moving on. Sometimes making responsible decisions sucked.


	26. Chapter 26

Tonight was London, their last international date, and it hadn’t been ten minutes since they opened the door to their hotel room when Tommy’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Isaac looked at him quizzically while he fished his phone out. 

Last night when they’d finished the show in Glasgow, Tommy had attempted to follow Adam onto his bus, but Adam had merely shook his head and told him that he’d needed time alone to think. So he’d gone to the band bus and crawled into the bunk that felt more like a coffin. He spent the entire night listening to the engine purr and staring out into the darkness while everyone slept around him. They were almost at the end of the road, and beyond it Tommy could only see desolate darkness and sleepless nights ahead of him. Going home meant going back to reality, seeing his family, and dealing with everything without Adam. He wasn’t sure he knew how to do that anymore. He sighed, finally accepting Adam’s call, expecting the worst. Adam had been closed off since Manchester, when Tommy had been startled awake by Adam’s sobs. 

“Hi,” Tommy said hesitantly.

“Hey, listen, we need to talk.”

Tommy’s stomach hit the floor with those words. They never ended in anything good. 

“About?” Tommy asked, even though at this point he was sure he didn’t really want to know the answer. Isaac was still watching him and he turned his back and headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He knew Isaac was concerned about him, but he wasn’t sure he wanted Isaac to see his immediate reaction to whatever Adam had to tell him. 

“We were friends…” Adam sounded so tired and Tommy could hear the way Adam’s voice cracked when he said _were_ like they suddenly weren’t anymore, and maybe he was right.

“And I fucked that up, I ruined us,” mumbled Tommy. 

"Maybe, I don't know, Tommy, maybe not... it's too soon to tell."

Tommy cringed at Adam’s words, fearing that they would never have the friendship they had before all this mess. He regretted taking that step, even knowing that if he hadn’t it would’ve haunted him forever. Still, regret would’ve been better than hurting the way he hurt now. He wanted to be with Adam more than anything, but Adam deserved so much more. His heart twisted in his chest and he sighed into the phone. 

He decided to state the obvious. “I hurt you.” 

“I knew going into it what I was putting on the line, Tommy. Every time I see your face my heart breaks a little more.”

“I’m sorry,” Tommy whispered.

“It is what it is and I’m not blaming you. We both made mistakes, but after this I don’t think that I can work with you anymore. Having you so close and not being able to have you, I couldn’t take it.”

“You’re firing me.” Tommy wanted to cry, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t want Adam to feel any worse than he already did. 

"Not exactly. We have two shows left before the tour is over. After that, well, it might be best if you looked for another band to play with." Adam's voice sounded strained with tears. "I just think it would be too hard, on both of us, to work together again." It sounded final, and Tommy knew Adam had made up his mind. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want us to be…friends…because of this. I just think us touring together would be too hard. But I do need some time and space to get over you. I know it may sound like I’ve already moved on, but as much as I look like I’m holding it together, I’m really a wreck inside. I need time away from the public eye and I can’t really do that until the last two shows are done with. Until then I’m just bottling up all the tantrums I want to have until later.”

“You’ve always processed things differently than I have.” Tommy rubbed at his eyes. “I do hope we can be friends again though. I’ll give you space, but promise me you won’t delete my number?”

“Promise.” 

Tommy smiled weakly; Adam never broke his promises. Maybe in time they could hang out and it wouldn’t be so hard. “So when do we announce it to the fans?”

“I kinda figured I would do it during the last band introductions. Let the fans know that it’s your last night with the band and that you’re moving on to focus on your family for a bit.” 

“Yeah, okay. That’ll give me a chance to say goodbye.” Tommy nearly choked on the lump in his throat then. He didn’t want to leave the band, but Adam was right, touring with him again would just bring up too many emotions. “So is that it?”

“Until the last shows, yeah.”

“Well, I guess I’ll see you at the airport in the morning. Damn early flights,” Tommy griped jokingly, hoping to lighten the mood. 

“No, Tommy, you won’t. I’m in a car headed to the airport now. I have a flight out to Paris in a couple hours. I couldn’t stand the idea of going back home without you so I figured I would take a trip and try to clear my head.”

Tommy was shocked and hurt that Adam hadn’t said anything about it. Adam didn’t owe him that anymore though. He wanted to say so many things in that moment, but he chose what was safe instead. “Have a safe flight.”

“Yeah, you too in the morning. See ya onstage in a couple weeks.” Tommy knew Adam was trying to sound casual, but he could hear the sadness in his voice.

“See ya,” Tommy replied before ending the call. He never wanted to leave this bathroom, because leaving meant telling Isaac and telling Isaac would mean it wasn’t all a bad dream.

…

Adam thought being alone would help, but since landing in Paris all he’d done since checking into his hotel room was sleep, order room service and cry. After two days he figured it was enough and decided to get dressed and hit a club. Maybe dancing would make him feel better. He turned on his phone and winced as his phone went crazy, vibrating in his hand. He hadn’t turned it back on after his flight landed and now he had notifications of twenty new texts, half from his mom he was sure, and fifteen new voicemails. Feeling guilty, he pulled up twitter and tapped out a tweet that said he was enjoying Paris. Then he wrote a quick text to his mom to let her know he was okay, and then pulled up Google. He carefully put in ‘gay clubs in paris france’ and waited while the search results popped up. 

Adam immediately noticed a list of the top ten gay bars in Paris and clicked on it, scrolling quickly through his choices. Banana Café caught his eye so he looked up the address. He scribbled it down on a notepad and then shut off his phone again, not wanting to deal with anything related to home right now. 

It was only eight when he jumped in the shower. The night was young and he had more than enough time to pick out an outfit and do his makeup. He wanted to look hot, but not draw too much attention to himself, so he chose to tone down his normally over the top eye makeup and three tons of glitter. Instead he opted for enough foundation to cover his freckles, a bit of smudged eyeliner, and a layer of gloss on his lips that would draw a person’s eyes down and away from his bloodshot eyes. He would’ve used eye drops to get rid of the red eyes, but it was the one thing missing from his makeup bag. It didn’t matter much in the end, because once he got dressed and pulled on his boots, he felt more like himself than he had since Amsterdam. 

An hour later he was pressed up against the bar. The crowd was sparse as it was still early and the place was just campy enough that it could be mistaken for a Tiki bar. The music was loud, the alcohol was strong, and the gogo boys were dancing around in loincloths. It was a nice distraction from the moping he’d done the past couple of days. He threw back another shot of something; he’d asked the bartender for something stiff. He was mildly amused to find a piece of frozen banana hanging on the rim of a glass, much the way he’d expect to see a lemon perched on a glass of iced tea. Apparently they really liked bananas around here. He couldn’t complain. Even though it wasn’t busy, there were a good littering of guys writhing on the dance floor, so he got up and joined them.

Music made everything better. It always had, from the time Adam was a kid. It made his mind run wild with imagery and loosened his muscles until he was moving in tune with the slinky beat of a track with bass so loud it felt like it was part of him. For a while he just moved, enjoying the warm press of guys moving around him. His partners changed and morphed, but it didn’t matter, he didn’t want to focus, he just wanted to drift. He closed his eyes and raised his hands in the air and let the music flow through him, dancing to its rhythm until someone tapped him on the arm.

The guy in front of Adam was tiny a blond. He looked familiar, but Adam couldn’t place him. Then the guy smiled and said in accented English, “Remember me?” 

With those words the images flooded in. Adam couldn’t remember where they’d been that night, but it surely wasn’t Paris. He remembered this tiny guy's fiery passion and the way it danced in his eyes when he spoke.

“I met you, somewhere else…” Adam said hesitantly. 

“Helsinki,” the guy provided, and it left Adam wondering what the odds were of running into him in Paris of all places. 

“Little far from home, aren’t you?”

“I come to Paris for a modeling job. I am Sauli. I see you trying to remember my name. It is okay, I do not remember yours either, I just remembered your face.” Sauli said this all rather loudly. Adam just _loved_ having these kinds of conversations in fucking loud ass clubs.

“Adam,” he replied. “I came here to run away,” he said before he thought to censor himself. 

“Come,” Sauli shouted and offered Adam his hand. For some unknown reason Adam took it, and Sauli led him up a staircase. When they reached the top he noted a piano in the corner. Someone was singing on the small stage, but it was much quieter up here. “Now Adam, can I buy you a drink and we talk about what you are running from?”

“Look, you seem like a nice guy, but I don't really know you.”

Sauli nodded. “Yes, I am a stranger, but that can be good, too. I can be neutral, like Switzerland," he said with a laugh. Adam chuckled at that. "At least take my number," said Sauli. "Call me if you need someone to talk to.”

Sauli’s words struck a chord in Adam and he didn’t know why, but he trusted him. “I just might do that.” 

"I think you are hot, but if we can talk on the phone…" Sauli giggled and winked at Adam. "Maybe I will not be a stranger anymore.” Sauli’s giggle was adorable and Adam found himself genuinely smiling. 

“I don’t know where our paths will lead, but what are the odds we meet again? Maybe fate brought us together tonight because I needed a little bit of sunshine while dealing with a hard time. I’ll be in touch,” Adam promised, and knew it would be an easy one to keep. Sauli didn’t know him as a celebrity, and that alone meant he might have found someone that was put in his path for a purpose. He’d always believed that things happened for a reason. 

They chatted for a few more minutes and then Adam left the club and took a cab back to his hotel. He felt lighter somehow and even thinking of Tommy didn’t hurt as badly as it had before. He hoped that feeling didn’t fade. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. He went about his nightly routine and crawled into bed, but before he went to sleep he flicked on his phone and sent Sauli a text. All it said was ‘Thanks. – Adam.’ 

But as it turned out, by the time Adam headed home he was less enthused than he’d been the night he’d bumped into Sauli. He’d exchanged a text here and there with him, but the breakup with Tommy was still too fresh for it to be anything but platonic. Sauli was nice, but he wasn’t Tommy, and during the flight Adam thought about calling Tommy up when he got home. He didn’t, of course. He just caught a cab to his house in the middle of the night, pulled his luggage inside and walked through the too quiet house to his much too big bed. That night sleep didn't rescue him from his pain, and when he did doze off all he got was unsettling dreams instead of rest. Most of them involved never having a relationship as good as he’d had with Tommy and when he jumped awake there were tears streaming down his face. 

In just a few short hours Adam would have to climb right back onstage and face Tommy again. He would have to pretend that everything was fine, and worst of all he’d have to kiss those lips knowing he couldn’t have Tommy anymore. Life was a bitch and he wanted to kill her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just four more chapters to go. I'm going to be so sad to see it end, but so happy I finally got to share it with everyone. 
> 
> Also looks like I might be seeing some of you if you're attending the NY Queenbert show. =D


	27. Chapter 27

Tommy wasn’t sure why the idea of fifteen days felt like eternity, but it did. On the flight back home he couldn’t sleep, and his mind kept drifting back to last night. When he’d stepped out of the bathroom he hadn’t known what had been showing on his face, but Isaac had embraced him immediately. It wasn’t until he’d buried his face in Isaac’s neck that he realized he was crying, again. 

Isaac had become his brother during the tour, his confidant, and the one thing he hadn’t wanted to do was tell Isaac he wasn’t going to be in the band anymore. However, he knew it was only fair that he tell Isaac now rather than waiting. Tommy intended to discuss it with everyone else at the venue before the last show. 

The conversation had been hard, but Isaac had listened intently and by the end of it even Isaac had agreed that it was for the best. _For the best._ The worlds curled violently in the pit of Tommy’s stomach. He knew if he continued to play with Adam it would be painful for both of them, but before the conversation with Adam he’d never considered leaving the band.

Tommy groaned to himself. He didn’t really know what he was going to do. He’d made a lot of new connections in the industry since joining Adam’s band, but he couldn’t imagine being up onstage hearing a voice that didn’t belong to Adam. He had a lot of thinking to do and a lot of shit to work through. 

It was several days after he landed back on American soil when he finally went to see his mom again. Before leaving he’d put on enough concealer and eyeliner that he hoped she wouldn’t see how tired he was. The insomnia was something he just couldn’t seem to knock no matter how hard he tried. The small snippets of sleep he’d gotten were restless and filled with manifestations of his fears. It almost made him wish he could caffeinate himself enough that he would never sleep again.

Walking up that path to his childhood home after spending months traveling the world put things into perspective in a way he’d never known before. He noticed the flowers blooming on either side of the walkway and the way the sun warmed his core. He’d grown up in the perfect place. After seeing the states and other countries now, nothing felt like this. He smiled to himself, thinking back to a childhood story. Burbank wasn’t too hot or too cold, it was _just_ right. It was truly where he belonged. He’d never felt that way before. He’d spent his entire childhood dreaming of getting as far away from it as he could, but now he was glad to call it home. He knocked on the door before opening it and stepping inside. 

“Mom,” he called, the smell of her cooking drawing him into the kitchen. 

“Hi, welcome home.” His mom pulled him into a tight hug and mumbled about how thin he was while squeezing him to the point where he wondered if she was trying to break his ribs. 

“It’s good to see you, too,” he wheezed. “Can ya let up a lil, can’t breathe.” He laughed when she let up only a fraction. It was good to feel like someone had noticed he was gone. He inhaled the scent of her perfume along with the smell of cigarette smoke and suddenly, for the first time since returning home from tour, he wasn't just going through the motions. He felt alive and present in the moment. He hadn’t realized just how much he'd shut down until now. 

“I made tacos,” she said when she finally released him. 

“I smelled them when I walked in,” said Tommy. “I’m starving.” And while that was a complete lie, he would choke down the tacos despite the fact that food was completely unappealing. He knew it was a sign of depression, but he wasn’t ready to face the consequences just yet. Right now he just wanted to spend time with his family until he worked out what the hell he was going to do. 

“Good, your sister will be here in a few minutes. Set the table for me.”

Tommy grabbed the plates without complaint and went about setting the table. He had a sneaking suspicion that something was up, but he wasn’t going to think too much about it. Maybe he was just feeling off because the house didn’t seem the same without his dad around. 

About an hour later Tommy found himself sitting at the table trying to swallow a mouthful of what would normally be his favorite food. His stomach was rebelling, but he choked it down and sipped at his water while his mom and sister chatted. It wasn’t until they went quiet that he started paying attention again. 

“So,” Lisa began, “I asked mom to call you and invite you over because I wanted to talk to you both about something.”

Tommy felt a cold jolt of dread in his stomach, flashing back to the last time she’d called him with news while he was on tour. _“Dad, he uhh, he passed away about twenty minutes ago. Mom, she wanted me to call you. You should, you should probably come home.”_

The words rang around in Tommy’s head and his heart was beating faster in his chest. He grabbed his water in a desperate attempt to get control. The cold glass against his skin pulled him back from the precipice of a panic attack.

“What is it, honey?” 

He finally snapped back into reality, his mom’s words clear in his ears as she looked at Lisa expectantly. 

“Well, it’s still early and we’re not really telling everyone yet, but… I figured we could all use some good news.”

Tommy slouched in his chair. Good news? Was that an actual thing that people got?

“You’re gonna be a grandma,” Lisa directed at his mom. “And you, little brother, are gonna be Uncle Tommy.” She laughed then and Tommy’s heart did an excited flip. 

Tommy’s mom squealed and cried and Tommy really wasn’t sure what to do other than congratulate her and give her a hug. He didn’t know how to be an uncle. _Let’s add one more thing to your plate that you’re gonna suck at._

-

That night when he got home, he stared at his phone. He wanted to call Adam so badly that it hurt, but Adam had asked for space. He knew Adam needed time, but not having Adam right there left him feeling like his arm was missing. He did the only thing he’d been able to do since he got home and sat down on the couch, thankful his roommates were out, and flicked on Dracula. If he couldn’t sleep and couldn’t hear the one person’s voice in the world who could make him feel less like he was trying to navigate the world blindfolded with ankle cuffs on, he figured he’d drown himself in the one thing he loved that expected nothing back from him.

…

Adam was tired to the bone, having tossed and turned all night while staring at the clock. The snatches of sleep he caught were anything but pleasant so he caked on foundation and concealer until he looked a little more alert. The show in LA last night had been hard on everyone, the mood so sour and the strain between Adam and Tommy so strong that the band had felt tainted. And tonight was the beginning of the end. It was the last show of a tour that had changed his life in more ways than one. He would forever remember it as the tour that had given him what he’d dreamed for the most in the world, happiness with Tommy in his arms, and just as quickly had taken it away. 

Adam sighed, checking his makeup one more time before heading over to the venue for sound check. He was, of course, the last one to arrive and when he walked in all eyes were on him. Even the dancers were already on stage and everyone looked less than happy. Adam was sad too, he just didn’t expect the pitiful looks this early in the night. He hopped up on the stage. It was so quiet he could’ve heard a pin drop. Tommy finally stepped forward.

“I told everyone. I thought it was only fair to let them know before the show.”

Adam felt anger boiling deep in his gut. It ate the grief over the end of their relationship and the guilt over escaping to Paris. Before he could control his mouth, words were tumbling out. “And what, you decided you couldn’t wait until I was here to tell them? You figured you would make me out to be the bad guy? Fuck, that’s bullshit Tommy. We both agreed it would be better if you found another gig. And we wouldn’t have had that discussion in the first place if you hadn’t run away.” Adam realized he’d said too much and snapped his mouth shut, the anger bleeding out of him instantly when he saw the glaze of tears in Tommy’s eyes.

“I just wanted them to hear it from me,” huffed Tommy. “I didn’t make you out to be the bad guy. I didn’t blame you. And yes I fuckin’ ran away and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t the only one, Mr. I’m Flying to Paris.”

That made him snap, anger roaring to life again so quickly it made his head spin. If there was one thing he’d never done during their relationship, it was run away. “But when I flew to Paris we were already over, Tommy,” Adam spat, his hackles rising again. “I didn’t run out on you during the middle of sex.” The words were like acid in his mouth and he knew he shouldn’t have said them, especially in front of their friends.

Before he could say anything else, Tommy stormed backstage and Adam was left with more than a few pairs of eyes looking at him, various degrees of frowns and looks of horror on their faces. So much for Tommy being a part of sound check. Things were tense, but they ran through everything, Monte switching back and forth between guitar and bass until everything was as good as it was going to get. 

Adam went backstage once he’d dropped his mic back into its stand. He needed to find Tommy and try to salvage the situation because he needed his bass player tonight, but most of all he felt like a complete asshole after that little display. 

After searching through the backstage catacombs, he found Tommy in an old office. There was a desk perched against the wall nearest the door, but on the opposite wall there was a hideous orange couch and Tommy was curled up on it. Adam listened just outside the door for several seconds. Tommy wasn’t crying, but the fetal position he was laying in spoke volumes. He could see his own reflection in the window pane and he wanted to smack himself for being such an asshole to Tommy. 

“Knock, knock,” he called before slowly entering the room. It smelled musty and damp and Adam wondered how Tommy could stand being in there, but that was far from important. He stepped further into the room. Tommy had yet to acknowledge he was there or move at all for that matter. Adam supposed after that display he deserved to be ignored. He inched closer until he could sit on the arm of the couch by Tommy’s head. “I’m not asking you to talk to me, I just wanted to apologize.”

“Now everyone knows,” Tommy said. 

“Everyone already knew,” Adam replied, not understanding why Tommy was upset that their friends knew they were together.

“Not that. Now everyone knows that I ran away after we…” Tommy trailed off and Adam watched as Tommy curled even further into himself, like he was hoping to disappear. 

“Fuck, I’m really sorry about that. I shouldn’t have said it in front of them, hell, I shouldn’t have said it at all.”

“I know you were angry and I understand. I wasted a lot of your time.”

“It’s not that… it’s just that getting angry feels so much better than feeling like this. I know you know what I mean. I don’t… I didn’t mean to say that though. That wasn’t something for me to tell.” 

“What’s done is done,” Tommy mumbled, and Adam found himself reaching out and touching Tommy’s hair softly. Playing with Tommy’s hair had been something he had always done. Even now it felt right to run his fingers through it as an offer of comfort. 

“You’re right, but it doesn’t make it right. Should I get someone to fill in on bass tonight?”

Tommy whipped up, startling Adam, and looked at Adam like he had another head. “You can’t be serious. It’s the last show. It’s my final show with you. No matter what dumb shit your mouth gets you into, I wouldn’t miss tonight for anything.” The sincerity in Tommy’s voice made Adam hurt. They’d both helped each other so much during the tour and hurt each other just as much over the past month. He hoped in the end they could move on and that maybe they could be friends again at some point.

-

It was time for band introductions and Adam’s stomach was tight with anticipation. They both needed to take this step to move on, but he never imagined a day when Tommy wouldn’t be right up there on stage beside him. 

He started his spiel about meeting his band, anxiety gnawing at him as he introduced them in turn until he reached Tommy. Tommy stepped forward into the spotlight beside him. 

“Ladies and gentleman, I want you guys to meet my bass player, Tommy Joe Ratliff.” The crowd roared, but when Tommy didn’t begin his solo he noticed the looks of curiosity from the fans near the front. “I want you guys to give him a huge round of applause because tonight is his last show as my bass player.” The crowd booed their disapproval and started whispering and speculating. “So now I’m going to hand him the mic even though I know he hates talking onstage.”

Adam stepped back out of the spotlight and watched the way the microphone trembled slightly in Tommy’s unsteady hand. 

“Hi, so umm, you all know I’ve had some rough times lately and after being away from home for so long, I’ve decided to take some time off to spend with my family. Plus I need a break from all the flying…you all know how much I love heights.” A ripple of laughter went through the crowd and Tommy managed to smile. “It’s been great and I’m not going to stop playing.” The crowd cheered a little at those words. “I’m sure I’ll be back to gigging soon, music is my drug, but I just wanted to thank all of you guys for the support and love. I hope to see some familiar faces when I find a new band. I… yeah that’s all.” 

Adam took the mic when Tommy offered it to him, and as much as his heart was breaking, he went on to introduce Monte. 

The rest of the show went smoothly even though some fans seemed bummed out to see Tommy go. When they took their final bows, Adam felt tears in his eyes. This was the end and tomorrow would be a new beginning. One that he felt he needed to start by researching therapists. This tour had left him with more baggage than an airplane.


	28. Chapter 28

Each day bled into the next, and it all felt like one long day to Tommy since he was getting very little sleep. Almost a month after the last show, he looked like a shadow of himself. He stared into the full-length mirror after showering one day and could tell he’d lost weight. His ribs were more prominent now and his cheekbones more defined. A sick part of him thought he looked better. If only he could ignore the bags under his eyes, highlighted by dark circles that looked bruised and sore. He felt a little more alive after showering for the first time in a week, the scent of shampoo and soap replacing the bitter scent of sweat laced with beer. His stomach gurgled and he ignored it in favor of getting dressed. 

In the past month he might have left the house twice, he wasn’t sure anymore. He definitely remembered at least one gig with Monte, but even that was a blur. His roommates kept giving him worried looks as they came and went, and they even went as far as stocking the kitchen. He nibbled on chips now and again, but other than that he couldn’t remember the last time he ate an actual meal. He should’ve been worried, but wasn’t. During his last trip out, he stocked up on beer and it’d made a fine meal. 

When he was finished getting dressed he noticed how his sweatpants slid down his ass even lower than usual. It wasn’t important; he had beer, video games, and horror movies. Who needed a social life when he could become one with his couch? It sounded like a magnificent plan to him. 

He stumbled into the kitchen and retrieved his liquid breakfast, then headed to the couch. He sat down and noticed his phone lying on the coffee table. Except to talk to his mom a few times, he’d barely touched the thing, but now… He wondered what Adam was doing. Biting his lip and hoping this wasn’t a mistake, he picked up his phone and opened Twitter. First he checked his mentions, thousands of them, too many to count or read, most full of speculation and questions he didn’t want to answer, fans wondering where he was and why he’d really left the band. 

Then he checked Adam’s page and saw a new picture Adam had posted. Adam looked fine, well rested. Tommy cracked open his beer. He could be fine, too. Or so he thought until he checked his DMs. There was one from Isaac. He’d had several missed calls from him, but he hadn’t returned any of them. He was surprised Isaac hadn’t come over to check on him. _Probably knows that wouldn’t have gone over too well._ Tommy opened the DM and read it. 

_Adam’s birthday party is in two weeks. It will look weird if you’re not in the pictures._

Fuck! Why did Adam’s birthday party pictures always go public? The last thing in the world he wanted to do was to attend a party. Fuck! 

_Not going to happen, nope. I’ll tweet that I’m under the weather and send Adam a happy birthday tweet._ But in that moment the urge to call Adam and hear his voice was overwhelming. Not so long ago Tommy couldn’t imagine ever missing Adam’s birthday. 

He tossed his phone on the coffee table and grabbed the remote. Pain was welling up in his chest too fast for comfort and he needed a distraction, something mindless and familiar. He turned on the DVD player and hit play, sinking back into the cushions. The Munsters opening credits were on the screen. He realized rather quickly that he was staring at the TV but not watching it. His mind was too focused on thoughts of Adam’s birthday party. He just couldn’t be there, couldn’t stand being that close to Adam knowing he’d let him go. Suddenly, Brad’s words played in his head, how Tommy would regret it if he let Adam slip through his fingers. Tommy hadn’t let Adam slip through his fingers though, he’d let him go because he felt Adam deserved someone better. He wasn’t sure which was worse. 

He didn’t know how it had been for Brad, but Tommy would call it agony. Memories of their time together surfaced without his permission. He wanted to stomp them down, but this particular scene played out in his head anyway. 

_Adam’s lips tickled against his ear and he squirmed, but Adam wouldn’t let him go. They were nestled in Adam’s hotel room, Adam spooned behind him, and every inch of their skin pressed as close together as possible._

_Tommy was where he belonged, and even though his fears occasionally overtook him, in that moment they were all a million miles away._

_Adam licked the shell of his ear and then nibbled on his piercings. Tommy writhed in Adam’s grasp and gasped softly._

_“Never letting you go,” Adam promised, hot breath curling around the damp skin he’d just released._

Tommy felt like the walls were closing in. He was alone and it was his fault. Panicky breaths made his lungs burn and he found himself wheezing. All the while tears clouded his vision. For just a split second he wanted to die. Without air in his lungs or life in his body there would be no more pain. But pain meant he’d cared enough about someone to hurt, and maybe that meant he could care about someone again. No, he didn’t want to die, he just wanted to get past this. That was the last thought in his mind before he passed out.

…

Adam knew that with each day that passed he would get stronger, but right now he felt so scattered and afraid. He felt like he’d done a decent job of shielding his pain from his fans. All they saw were the pap pictures. Night after night he was getting dressed and going out when all he really wanted to do was to call Tommy. He knew he’d never move on if he did, so instead he turned to alcohol and twinks and saw it all through rose-colored glasses. It wasn’t so bad, really. He could live like this. 

Every night it felt like there was more booze in his system than blood, and he’d gone through more condoms in the past six weeks than he had in his entire life. He’d exchanged texts with Sauli now and again about his situation, and Sauli had urged him to seek therapy. Instead he’d been seeking a different bedmate every night. He fucked them, made sure they had no proof, and sent them on their way in the morning when the hangover made his head feel like it was stuffed with boulders. It wasn’t fixing anything, but it numbed him just fine. 

It was another night and another bar when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out while some little blond stood on his tiptoes trying to chew on his neck like some wigged out zombie. He’d been too drunk to care before, but now that he was trying to do something it was a hindrance. He agitatedly pushed the guy away, more than a little bemused by the bitch face it earned him. He opened the text. 

_Happy birthday! It’s already morning here. Hope you have a good time at your party._

It was from Sauli. Adam frowned. Somehow he hadn’t realized it was the twenty-eighth. His birthday was tomorrow, and his friends were throwing him a birthday party. He’d known that, but what time he wasn’t drunk or fucking he was sleeping, so he’d lost track of the days. 

That probably meant he had a problem. 

-

That night at the party he drank until everything felt warm and numb, and noticed it was taking more and more alcohol to reach that happy medium. He socialized with everyone as one face became another, but there was one face that wasn’t there. 

That wasn’t true actually. Scarlett and Lee Cherry were also absent, but he’d gotten a text that his godson was born today, so they had a good excuse. He made a mental note to take a trip to the hospital to see them tomorrow before having anything to drink. 

It hurt that Tommy wasn’t there. As much as his brain understood why, his heart was still too invested. He still loved Tommy and wanted him there, even though it wouldn't make a lot of sense for Tommy to come. It would be so good to see him though; it seemed wrong to wake up every day without him. He groaned to himself. Why did things have to be so complicated? 

His heart won out on the war and his chest ached with it. For a moment he wondered if maybe Tommy had tried to contact him. He pulled his phone from his pocket. No new texts, a missed call from Sauli, but nothing from Tommy. He flicked over to Twitter, thinking that Tommy might have tweeted. Sure enough the last tweet on Tommy’s timeline was wishing him a happy birthday and promising to see him tonight. That was six hours ago and Adam hadn’t caught sight of him yet tonight. Adam sighed. Maybe Tommy had just tweeted it for the fans.

The party was winding down and the floor was waving and jumping beneath his feet. His balance was fucked, but he felt nothing but warm and calm. That was until he stumbled over his own two feet and face planted, landing hard enough to knock the breath out of him and send his cup skidding across the floor. Before he could right himself, people were surrounding him and asking him if he was okay, but one voice stood out from all the others. It was a voice he hadn’t heard since the last night of the tour. He pushed himself up enough so that he could roll onto his back, mumbling that he was fine again and again until the bodies surrounding him drifted away. All but one. Tommy was squatting there next to his hip. 

Part of him was sure it was just his imagination, a dream too beautiful to be real, but he blinked several times. He wasn’t dreaming; Tommy was really there. Adam could see the bags under Tommy’s eyes that he’d tried to cover up. 

“You came,” Adam sighed and reached for Tommy’s outstretched hand. 

“I wasn’t going to, but I had to bring you your gift.” Tommy tugged at Adam’s arm and Adam tried to help. He almost managed to get to his feet before a wave of dizziness hit him and he stumbled back, his momentum and grip on Tommy’s hand bringing Tommy down with him. He heard a few chuckles when he muttered once again that he was okay, and Tommy repeated the sentiment. Everyone else melted away and it was just he and Tommy, sprawled out on the floor, Tommy’s hand still clutching his. For a minute everything in the world felt right. Then Adam’s gaze drifted down to the chain around Tommy’s neck. The key sat on top of Tommy’s shirt, a reminder that things were not as they’d been when Adam had given Tommy his birthday present. 

Adam sighed and sat up and Tommy mimicked him almost instantly, shifting until they sat so close their knees were touching, almost mirror images of one another. They probably should’ve gotten up and moved to somewhere more private, but Adam’s limbs didn’t seem to want to cooperate. He looked around and noted that his remaining guest were mingling, not paying attention to them, and those that remained were close friends anyway. “You didn’t have to get me anything,” Adam finally whispered. 

Tommy took his hand and Adam focused on Tommy’s face again. There was a faint hint of a smile at the corner of Tommy’s lips. “I didn’t have to, but I guess it seemed strange not to. I couldn’t not come, Adam, you’ve been too much a part of my life since I auditioned. In 2009, auditioning for your band was my birthday present to me and then…” Tommy trailed off and Adam noticed Tommy eying the key pendant on his chest. “I know things between us aren’t perfect and I know you wanted space, but I had to come tonight, even though when I got the invite from Isaac I didn’t want to.”

“I saw your tweet…I thought you weren’t coming since it was so late,” Adam confessed. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I got stuck in traffic after stopping at a store in Burbank and then I ended up having to get off the highway to get gas and…” Tommy shook his head. “No, that’s a lie. I did stop at a store in Burbank, days ago. I would’ve been here sooner, but I was at my house pacing back and forth, worrying about how this was going to go. When I got here I ran into Sutan and Isaac and they gave me a pep talk and well, here I am.” 

“I’m glad you came.” Adam was glad Tommy came, but he knew that this would be the last time he’d see Tommy for a while. He felt it in his heart and he could see it reflected in Tommy’s deep brown eyes. 

“Happy birthday, Adam,” said Tommy and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small black box. Before he handed it to Adam, Tommy leaned forward and kissed him. The kiss was light, just enough for Adam to feel the tackiness of Tommy’s lip gloss, but everything about it felt like an ending. “I hope you like it, but don’t open it now. I can’t…” Tommy stood up and Adam watched him walk away. 

He clutched the velvety box in his hand until Tommy disappeared from his sight. The soft music in the background sounded as lonely as he felt. Then he managed to find his feet and without a word, he headed out the door and up the block to the hotel where he’d rented a room for the night. He knew his mom would get the gifts back to his place and right now he just wanted to be alone. In his room he stripped, still feeling less than steady on his feet, but a lot more sober than when he’d hit the floor. When he crawled into bed he placed the small black box on the pillow next to him, and for the first night in many, he slept alone. 

Adam drifted back into consciousness slowly, so slowly that he felt like he was floating on the sea. The minute the thought crossed his mind his stomach lurched violently and he was stumbling from the bed and into an unfamiliar bathroom. With every heave of his stomach his head throbbed and just when he thought it was over, a fresh round of nausea hit him. The spasm caused him to curl against the toilet and when it finally passed he noticed how fucking cold the porcelain was against his skin. It felt amazing since he was overheated, and even as his eyes watered and his nose ran, he laid his head on the toilet seat. At least with this hangover he wasn’t trying to throw some boy toy out before he tossed his cookies. 

Memories from last night flooded in rapidly then. The scene played like a chick flick that didn’t end with a happily ever after. When it was over he clamored back to his feet, flushed the toilet and rinsed out his mouth with mouthwash. He made his way out of the bathroom and to his backpack. He’d left it up here before the party and he was glad he’d thought to pack something for a headache. He fished out a couple pills, went back to the bathroom and scooped enough water from the faucet in his hand to wash them down. He just hoped they didn’t come back up before they had a chance to kill the evil demons playing drums on his brain. 

Now he could focus on what he wasn’t ready to face last night. He walked over to the bed and saw the velvety gift still resting on the pillow. It looked innocent, just a small ring box, not any different than the dozens containing fashion jewelry he’d purchased over the years. A ring box. Adam suddenly gasped and his chest tightened. But no, he was sure the box didn’t contain the type of ring he was thinking of; Tommy didn’t want him, so an engagement ring was out. He was curious, and at the same time he never wanted to open it. Opening it would mean accepting the end.

He sighed and sat down on the bed. The rich black of the box stood in stark relief against the white sheets. Adam lay down on his stomach, his head still feeling too heavy. He pulled his pillow under his head and wrapped his arms around it, his eyes never leaving the present Tommy had given him. He stared at the box until his eyelids felt weighted down by concrete and then he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just two chapters to go guys. Thanks for sticking it out with me. Gonna be so sad when it's over.


	29. Chapter 29

Time became even more elastic in the weeks and months that followed. Tommy’s phone rang frequently, and Isaac and Sutan made it their mission to get him out of the house. He spent more time in nail salons, wig shops, and at the mall with Sutan than he had in his entire life. And during that time they talked, the entire story of his ordeal with Adam coming out piece by piece. Tommy divulged the final piece of the story late one night in Sutan’s condo over one too many glasses of wine. When he ended up crying into Sutan’s shoulder, Sutan didn’t make a big deal of it, and Tommy finally passed out. 

Then there were more grocery shopping trips with Isaac than he ever wanted to remember. The results of said trips were pretty damn good though, because Isaac’s wife Sophie had made it her mission to fatten him up. He’d been deemed too thin on his first visit after Adam’s party and since then he’d had all sorts of delicious dinners at the Carpenter residence.

There had also been about a hundred phone calls and texts from Allison. She’d been very offended and none too quiet about the fact that Tommy had ended things with Adam, though he had no idea who had told her. He knew Adam wouldn’t, so he had to figure it was probably Terrance who spilled the beans. It had taken about half of those phone calls and texts to convince her he had never meant to hurt Adam. And after much awkwardness and stuttering on his part he had finally made her understand why he let Adam go. 

Now it was May, and he had to admit that he felt a little better in his skin. With time, he’d been able to forget some of the pain, until Adam was on some entertainment show and he’d catch a glimpse of him while flicking through the channels. Those times sucked, but life as a whole was a little less drab. Even so, he still felt like so many things were unresolved. 

He shook the thoughts from his mind, the excited chattering of the men and women around him cooing over the tiny little onesie Lisa was holding drawing him from his thoughts. The warm breeze twisted her hair and the sun highlighted her rounder features. His niece would be here soon. A niece who would never meet her grandpa. Tommy couldn’t help but think it was tragic that his dad would never know his first grandchild. He sighed. A baby shower was a happy occasion; he shouldn’t be dwelling on the past.

-

Later when the guests had gone, he helped Lisa carry dishes back into the kitchen. They were alone, bagging leftovers while standing at the kitchen table when he got the distinct feeling of eyes boring into his head. He glanced up to see his big sister staring at him like she was trying to look through him.

“What?” he asked, wondering if he had something stuck in his teeth. 

“You’re different,” she replied, her eyebrow quirking up in a way that suggested she was trying to figure out how.

“No,” said Tommy. 

“There’s an air of sadness around you. I noticed it in your phone calls and even more so when we had dinner with mom a while back. Something’s up. I know we haven’t talked or spent much time together since you got home, but something happened. I know losing dad hurt you, but this is something else. When you came home before the international leg of the tour started you seemed…not happy exactly, but content.” 

Tommy groaned in his mind, debating whether or not he felt like having this conversation with her. So many times he’d wanted to tell Lisa about everything that happened with Adam, but just as many times his mom had walked in or he’d had to get off the phone for one reason or another. He thought about it and waited to be interrupted, but everyone who was still there was outside gathering up the trash and sorting out the gifts. 

“I’ve always hated how well you can read me,” he said, finally deciding to tell her at least part of what happened.

“Yeah, well, call it intuition or the fact that you’re my brother. You just seem off. Tell me about it.”

“I can’t tell you everything, but what I’m about to tell you may or may not come as a surprise. I just… keep it between us okay?” 

He and Adam were over now and he didn’t want to dredge it up and upset his mom. She’d had enough things to deal with this year. 

“You know anything you tell me goes no further than this room, TJ.”

“It’s just, I fell in love with my best friend… but I couldn’t tell him.” He paused, giving it time to sink in. 

“Adam,” she said, no surprise in her voice.

“Yeah Adam, and you don’t seem surprised?”

“Come on, I’ve seen you around your friends. I always figured if the right guy came along you might try it.” She laughed and squeezed his arm. “Doesn’t change the fact that you’re my brother. Now what happened?”

“Well, we were together for a while. Then something happened and I realized I could never really give Adam everything he deserved, so I ended it. He doesn’t know that I was in love with him. I never told him.” Tommy’s chest tightened as did his grip on the chair he was standing behind. 

“Did you guys ever really talk about it?” It was an innocent question, but it brought a new wave of emotions. 

“We lived in the moment and then it was over. Now I feel like I just exist every day. If it wasn’t for my friends I would probably still be at home in my pajamas, drinking myself into a stupor and watching horror movies, because the insomnia was so bad that sleeping felt like something I’d dreamed about once. The irony.” Tommy shook his head, sarcasm being his best defense in controlling the overwhelming urge to sink into the pit of despair again. “I don’t feel like I’m living,” he whispered. 

“You didn’t get closure,” Lisa concluded. 

“No, or it doesn’t feel like it. It isn’t an open wound anymore…it’s not that raw pain. It feels more like a bad bruise that someone pokes every morning so it never has a chance to fade away.” Tommy knew he sounded like a girl, but not having Adam in his life was leaving a gap that felt more like a canyon. 

“Tommy, you know I love you and I’ll always be here for you, right?”

Tommy nodded slowly, unsure as to where Lisa was going with this. 

“Okay, so hear me out with what I’m about to tell you.”

“I’m listening,” he said cautiously. 

“I think you should look into seeing a therapist. I think having someone neutral to help you work through your feelings could be good. You can’t keep all this in and a therapist could give you some insight and tools to help you grieve, both for dad and for the end of what you had with Adam.”

Tommy laughed uneasily, unsure of what to say. It wasn’t really an option he’d considered. Talking about himself to a complete stranger had never sounded appealing. 

“Just one session, that’s all I’m asking. If you hate it, don’t go again, but it helps.”

Her words lingered in Tommy’s mind. If she knew it helped, that would mean that… “Have you…” 

“Yeah, I looked into grief counselors when dad died. It really helped me get a handle on things.”

“I’ll think about it,” Tommy promised. Now that it had been brought up, he was pretty sure it was the only thing he would think about until he actually took that step to see if it would help. 

…

At some point after his birthday, Adam had a realization that he’d fucked half the guys in his favorite bars. The idea had left a sour taste in his mouth and made him want to scrub his dick with Comet. 

It was now August and he sat in Amelia’s office listening to the clock tick while waiting for his appointment. He’d been seeing Amelia Brown since mid-March and she’d helped him work through a lot of the things that had been bothering him. Her melodic voice made him feel safe enough to confess even the deepest aspects of his relationship with Tommy, and the best part was that she couldn’t tell a soul. 

Today he had two non-Tommy related things on his mind as he waited, tapping his foot and chipping at his nail polish. Amelia’s assistant Brandy, turned up her music a little louder, and Adam took that as a sign that he was being annoying and tried to sit still. At half past, Amelia opened the door and welcomed him in with a cheerful smile. Before she could even open her mouth Adam was already talking. He rambled about the past week, the producers he was working with, the people they’d thrown him into a room to write songs with and a million other tiny little details. None of which had anything to do with what he actually wanted to talk about. When he finally stopped rambling, Amelia gave him that look. It was one he’d become very familiar with.

“Thank you for sharing, but something else is on your mind.”

“Yeah.” He’d told her so many other things that this should’ve been nothing, but it felt huge in his mind. So big he could barely contain it. 

“Well…” she urged him gently. 

“I had an idea and I wanted to see what you thought about it. A couple of ideas actually.”

“Okay, well let me hear them and then we’ll talk about it.”

“You know I’ve been working on my album.” He tried not to bounce excitedly in his chair. 

“Yeah, we’ve spoke about it a few times.”

“I finally have a name for it. It’s going to be called Underneath. It’s more personal and shows my fans a part of me they’ve not really seen before, but with that comes a big question. How far do I go? How deep can I get without telling them exactly who this album is about?”

“What do you think?” Amelia asked.

While he adored Amelia, he hated this part. She so rarely gave him a direct answer to a question unless it had to do with his safety. “I think I wanna write a song about our relationship. But I guess it can relate to anyone. Most people have been in relationships that are toxic. The ones where you know the person is going to, or already has broken your heart, but you keep going back for more.”

The smile spreading across Amelia’s face gave him confidence. “Just remember that it’s something everyone is going to hear.” 

He nodded. He knew he would have to be careful to keep things generic enough not to implicate Tommy. Even though he needed to use this to work through his emotions, the last thing he wanted to do was get the fans mad at Tommy.

They discussed it a little further, Adam throwing out thoughts and answering each question Amelia posed until he felt confident in his ability to get out his feelings without bringing an angry mob to Tommy’s door. Then they continued onto Adam’s other idea.

“Well, you know I told you about talking to that guy I met in Finland, Sauli?” She nodded and Adam crossed his legs, getting comfortable. “We text and talk on the phone all the time. I was thinking about inviting him to visit. Kinda wondering if maybe there’s something more between he and I. I mean I told you that back around my birthday I’d been living a very unhealthy lifestyle. I was drinking too much and going home with a different guy every night, but I’ve not done that since I started seeing you. Now I’m having this feeling that maybe I’m ready to move on.” 

He and Amelia talked about inviting Sauli for a visit and after a while, Adam felt ready to see where this would take him. When he left the session he was practically vibrating with energy. He finally felt ready to move on. But first, he needed closure, and there were two things he had to do in order to get it: write a song and open a box. 

-

It was after eleven and the room was dimly lit by the sandalwood candles around his bedroom. Adam sat down on his bed with a notebook and pen thinking that he might be able to write, but he was too focused on the object that sat on the pillow. It had been sitting in the same spot since he’d sworn off sleeping around; he’d used it as a reminder. Tonight, he was going to open it. The temptation to do so over the past few months had been there, but he’d waited until he’d finally made peace with his relationship with Tommy.

He took a deep breath, set the notebook and pen down and picked up the box. It wasn’t heavy or warm, but it felt soft between his fingertips. The velvety outside was as black as the night outside his window. He’d waited over half a year to open his birthday present from Tommy. He and Tommy hadn’t spoken since the party, and the gift felt like the last link he had to him. 

“Just open it,” he muttered to himself. 

Apparently it wasn’t that simple. He found his hand trembling slightly. He was nervous and he didn’t really know why. The contents of this box wouldn’t change the past. There was nothing in there that could hurt him. He finally bit the bullet and, steadying his hand, opened it. 

A piece of folded paper fell out and revealed a pendant resting on a bed of red satin. It was an ankh, with the goddess Isis intricately carved in what looked like white gold. Her wings were spread to form the arms of the symbol and in the teardrop there was an Eye of Horus, staring up at him. Adam was entranced; everything about it was so… _him_. It was a testament to how well Tommy knew him that he would give him such a gift. 

When he could finally take his eyes off of the pendant, he picked up the piece of paper and opened it. Tommy’s messy scrawl filled the paper. It took Adam a minute to shake off the nerves before he could read it. 

_The jeweler said the ankh was a symbol of life and I already knew what the eye stood for so I thought it would be the perfect gift. You gave me life when I felt like the world was crumbling around me and I can’t ever thank you enough for that. I hope in time we can be friends, but I think for now it would be best if we don’t see each other. I never managed to say it out loud, but I loved you. I hope this pendant gives you the protection you deserve._

_Happy birthday, Adam._

_-Tommy_

Adam bit back the tears that wanted so desperately to spill down his cheeks. He’d cried enough and he was ready to leave the pain behind. Instead he found solace knowing that Tommy had loved him, and he tenderly removed the pendant from the box and carefully untangled the chain. Instead of putting it around his neck, he looped it around his bedpost. He didn’t want to hold onto the past by wearing it, but having it near would remind him of everything he’d been through. With a stubborn sigh over the tears that spilled anyway, he picked up his notebook and pressed the pen to the paper. The first line of their song was already in his head. _Staring at the ceiling in the dark…_

From there, the words flowed through him, his emotions pushing him forward. He scratched out and changed a word here and there and before he knew it, it was almost one o’clock in the morning. It was done, finished. This was the song that poured his heart onto paper. He hoped that his fans could relate. Sometimes a relationship just had a chokehold over you, and that was the epitome of his relationship with Tommy. He had let Tommy in, again and again, even knowing the potential consequences. But now he was ready to move on. Sure, he still loved Tommy and he probably always would, but their relationship was never going to be what he’d hoped for. 

It felt weird picking up the phone to call Sauli when it was so late in LA, but it was close to afternoon in Finland. He selected Sauli from his contacts and smiled to himself when Sauli’s voice came over the line. 

“Adam,” he chirped. 

Adam loved the way Sauli said his name. “Hi, how are you?”

“I am fine, but it is late where you are. Is something wrong?”

Even knowing the time change, Adam didn’t usually call or text Sauli past ten at night; it was just too weird. “No, I’m okay. I was actually calling because I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?” Sauli sounded curious and a little bit impatient. Adam loved that even over the phone he knew these things. 

“I was wondering if maybe you wanted to fly out to LA to visit, ya know, with me?” Adam suddenly felt like an awkward teenager trying to ask the prettiest guy in class out on a date. But he needn’t have worried because Sauli made a happy noise in his ear. 

“Yes, Adam, I… when?”

Adam felt something in his chest loosen. He finally felt like the world wasn’t stacked on his shoulders and that something good was coming his way.


	30. Chapter 30

It was the summer of 2012. A whole year passed and with it went some of Tommy’s issues. He had finally taken Lisa’s advice and sought out a therapist. It had been a long road, but he felt less frazzled and more capable of handling his demons as they arose. He had even started dating again, casually, and he no longer judged a potential date by their gender. He’d gone out with guys just as often as girls and found that he enjoyed both. So far no one in particular had stuck. 

It was hard though, being with guys and always comparing them to Adam. He couldn’t go back, knowing he could never give Adam everything he should have. Adam needed a guy who he could make love to without them running away like they’d seen the monster under the bed. It upset him to think that his love for Adam, wanting Adam to have everything, was the one thing that had been holding him back. He shook his head; his thoughts led so easily back to Adam. 

In an effort to move on he’d had a few casual flings, but he was just now getting to the point where he felt like he was ready for an actual relationship again. With that realization brought a whole new set of complications. He couldn’t control who he was attracted to and thus far the subject of bottoming for a guy hadn’t come up, yet. He knew it would eventually; it was only a matter of time. Tommy planned to get the hell out if that happened. Bottoming hadn’t felt good with Adam, and Adam was a superb lover, so Tommy was pretty sure that it wouldn't feel good with anyone. He just hoped that fooling around with guys here and there would be enough to satisfy him; he wasn’t about to get into a serious relationship when he knew he wouldn’t be able to deliver the goods.

Plus, he couldn’t quite accept that he was bisexual. He figured if he was truly bi he should be able to enjoy sex with a man. His therapists had carefully reminded him that sexuality was not black or white. There was no template that said he had to bottom or top a guy to be bisexual, so long as he enjoyed intimacy with both men and women. It was a hard pill to swallow. He was still too afraid to accept that he wasn’t the straight guy he’d thought he was. 

The sound of Personal Jesus blaring from his pocket drew him out of his thoughts. He checked the screen. Isaac was calling and a picture of them from the tour popped up, Tommy with his arm slung over Isaac’s shoulder. It made him smile. 

“Hi,” he said when he finally accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. 

“Hi, how are you?” He could hear the smile in Isaac’s voice.

“Doing good, man. How about you and Sophie?”

“I’m good, Soph is a little annoyed by the spastic gigs lately. I think she misses me.” Isaac laughed. “How are things in Tommy land?”

“Oh, you know I live in a hole. When you guys aren’t dragging me out I’m busy being a hermit in Burbank. It’s been a while. Is Adam’s schedule steamrolling you yet?”

“Ahh we’re pretty busy. Album went number one on Billboard last month so his schedule is getting pretty hectic.”

“Wow, I hadn’t realized.” Tommy knew Adam was amazing, but it was about time the world took notice. Since last year Tommy had gigged around LA, but he hadn’t played anything as big as he had with Adam. Being up on stage with any singer that wasn’t Adam just felt off. The chemistry wasn’t there nor was his passion for the music these D listers were cranking out.

“Yeah, the album is really doing well. Have you… listened to it yet?”

“No… I haven’t really been paying much attention,” said Tommy, feeling a bit guilty. “I’ve stayed away from twitter and the stations I like to listen to aren’t really Adam’s style. It’s not that I don’t care, but that I cared too much, ya know?” Tommy shifted on the couch until he was comfortable.

“Yeah, I know it’s not been easy. It’s kind of why I called.” 

“Oh?’

“Yeah, I got a call from Sutan. He gave me an update. He thinks you’re still lacking some closure,” said Isaac, sounding unsure.

Tommy thought that Isaac probably felt awkward butting in. “He’s probably right, I am doing better, but I’ve still been holding everyone at arm’s length,” Tommy confessed. Being around his friends – Adam’s friends – reminded him too much of Adam, and with that came regret.

“Sutan called because he wanted to see when we were playing Fantasy Springs. He’d seen something about it on twitter and decided he wanted to go, but was hoping that maybe you would escort him. You know he needs protection from all of Adam’s overzealous fans.” 

“No he doesn’t, he just thinks seeing Adam again will help me move on,” Tommy replied, calling it like he saw it. 

“Busted,” Isaac groaned. 

But some part of Tommy wondered if maybe Sutan was right. Suddenly, he needed to know, and sighing to himself, he made a snap decision. _Fantasy Springs._ “Tell him I’m in as long as he buys the tickets.” Of course he knew that Sutan wouldn’t be purchasing tickets. Adam would give them comp tickets reserved for friends and family. _Am I a friend? Will Adam and I be friends again someday?_

-

Less than a month later found Tommy sneaking into an aisle with Sutan just after the lights went down. He’d only been stopped by a couple of fans since they’d waited late to come in, but even that had been overwhelming. Even so, it felt good to know he’d been missed. 

The crowd around him was screaming and he wished he’d thought to wear earplugs. He just hoped the lead up to Adam actually coming onstage wasn’t long. The anticipation was already crawling along his skin like thousands of ants. He didn’t know what to expect. He hadn’t listened to Adam’s new album, couldn’t bring himself to do it. So here he was, terrified and anxious and hoping to god he’d just be able to get through this. 

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he saw the band members’ silhouettes appear on stage. He squinted in the low light, trying to get a look at his replacement. Then he looked at the other new faces. Not a single member of Adam’s original band was left. Tommy had been the sole survivor, and now… He couldn’t help but think that if he’d never kissed Adam offstage, he might still be standing up there.

The lights went up and there was Adam. Tommy's breath caught in his throat and his heart did a summersault before he could finally draw in a shuddering breath. It hurt seeing him. At the same time, he hadn't realized exactly how much he missed Adam until that moment, and he tried to memorize every little detail. Adam was wearing something more casual than Tommy had expected. The tight black jeans showed every line and curve of Adam’s lower half and the blue shirt he had on was the same color as his eyes. Tommy sighed. Adam looked amazing. 

The roar of the crowd died down when Adam took the microphone from the stand. He settled down on the stool that had been provided for him and Tommy held his breath, waiting to hear Adam’s voice again for the first time in so long. 

“Hi guys,” Adam said, his voice just as beautiful as Tommy had remembered. “Welcome to my World of Truth tour. How many of you guys have my new album Underneath?” Tommy winced at the crowd’s loud and very enthusiastic response. “In that case, you guys should probably know this song. It’s called Stay.”

The lights in the arena dimmed and a spotlight beamed down on Adam when the music started. Tommy could tell just by the music that it was going to be very personal. 

“All along it was fever…” Adam’s voice was clear and beautiful as he sang and Tommy found he was hooked on the song from the first line. 

The deeper into the song Adam went, the more Tommy could see him reaching into himself and projecting all the pain as he desperately begged his lover to stay. By the end, Tommy’s stomach was in his feet, tears were in his eyes and he wanted to leave. He wasn’t sure he could stand hearing another song if everything left him feeling like his insides were being shredded. 

He turned on Sutan, feeling anger boil through him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That the album was about me.”

“I thought you knew,” Sutan said into his ear. “I’m sorry Vayvee, but I still think you should stay. A little pain, a little reality... brings things to a close." Sutan kissed Tommy on the cheek. "Adam doesn’t know you’re here, though, I promise.”

For some reason Tommy was relieved for at least that much. No matter what Adam said or sang on that stage tonight, he wasn’t directly trying to poke at Tommy’s scars. Tommy realized in that moment that he had to see this through to the end no matter if it left him feeling emotionally assaulted. Yeah, he was a glutton, but Sutan was right. He settled down, held onto the seat edge and prepared for a rough ride.

From there Tommy listened to Adam perform a bonus track from FYE that they’d never performed live during GlamNation, Can’t Let You Go. Tommy was definitely seeing a theme here. 

“You guys having fun?” The crowd screamed in response, but Tommy was bewildered, wondering how anyone could get fun out of those songs. “This next song is more upbeat. I wanna see you guys dancing to this funk.” 

A sick bass line came through the speakers. Tommy thought that the chick on bass was good, and fucking hot, too. She had the black and blond Cruella thing going on, and one side of her head was shaved smooth much like his own. It was almost like he was looking at a female version of himself and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t find her attractive, but his eyes darted back to Adam. It was strange just listening to Adam and watching him dance, without performing alongside him. Now he could watch all those body rolls and concentrate on the amazing control Adam had over his instrument. He could definitely see this song – he presumed it was called Shady – being a single. It made him want to dance, and he couldn’t dance to save his life. 

When it was over Adam smiled at the audience. “I’m sure you guys know the next one,” he laughed into the microphone. The opening notes of Fever went through Tommy like a sword. He felt like he’d been gutted as Adam started to sing, and watched desperately while Adam pranced over to his new guitar player just before the break when Adam would kiss him. The guy grinned and bopped his head, and Tommy could see laughter when Adam tapped him on the cheek and made a kissy face at him, but that was it. 

With relief came a montage in Tommy’s head. Kiss after kiss that they’d shared up there on that stage. It was like that damned compilation video of Fever kisses the fans had made, only he could feel the phantom touches of Adam’s hand on his cheek, fingertips pressing into his neck, Adam’s tongue sliding into his mouth while he tried desperately to keep enough of a grip on reality to play. But when the song was over he found that the memories didn’t make him feel raw anymore. Surprised, he thought that maybe, with time, he might even enjoy listening to Fever again. 

Adam sang Whataya Want From Me then and even though he’d heard it a million times before, it still sounded beautiful to Tommy’s ears. Then Adam stood at the end of the stage and looked out over the crowd. 

“So guys, have you ever been made to feel like an outlaw? Those relationships where the people around you make you feel like a criminal for who you choose to love?” Adam was gesturing with is hands, unable to speak without them, something Tommy had always loved. “Well, you guys know I wrote this as an anthem for the LGBT community, to speak about our struggle of feeling like outlaws on the run because the whole world wants to damn us. But this song can really relate to any relationship where someone makes you feel wrong for giving your heart to a person they don’t approve of. I say fuck ‘em.” Tommy smiled when Adam flipped the bird, and the audience roared. “Let’s be outlaws together.”

Tommy was nearly breathless when the song was over. He was drawn in completely by Adam’s yearning as he sang about scars making them who they are, and the fight to be accepted. It really resonated with him, with his own fears that he might not be straight and trying to come to terms with this so late in life. So far he’d been able to keep his forays with men out of the public eye, but if he kept dating both men and women, he’d have to talk to his mom before she found out from the gossip rags. At some point a fan or a pap would catch him leaving a bar with his arm around a guy and his secret would be out. He supposed he would just have to deal with it when the time came. He didn’t particularly want to be outed, but he wasn’t ready to voluntarily leave the closet either. 

His thoughts vanished when Adam again started speaking. 

“This song, Soaked, is from For Your Entertainment, but I decided to add it to the set because I lived this song after getting home from the first tour.” Adam’s shoulders slumped, his body language becoming closed off for just a split second. “Things have changed now, but...”

Tommy knew what Adam was saying. He’d been through similar things. Where Adam was always social, Tommy had just lain around his house, three sheets to the wind most days, but he too, had made a change. Lisa’s words had struck a chord with him and when Bridget was born, he saw it as a good reason to get his head straight. He had a niece now and he wanted to be someone she could look up to. 

Adam’s voice permeated the entire venue, the last notes ringing out high and clear, and then the lights went down. When they came back up the band was playing an interlude. Adam would be backstage, wiping down his face, guzzling water, and maybe even running to the bathroom. Tommy didn’t think Adam was changing outfits tonight, though. This show wasn’t about flashy images and there were no dancers in costumes. He figured Adam just needed a breather. 

“So, what do you think?” Sutan asked, his mouth close to Tommy’s ear. 

"Good to see him...great music. Some painful, but honest."

“After the show you’ve gotta come backstage with me. He’s asked about you, he’d be glad to see you.”

Tommy thought about it for a minute. There was a nervous flutter in his stomach, fear of the unknown the radiating through his mind. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea and was skeptical as to whether he was ready or not. But he felt he had to take a chance. If it could help him get closure… Then he realized that he definitely wanted to see Adam. Maybe he could even try to repair their friendship. He missed it so much. 

“Yeah, okay,” Tommy finally answered.

“We’ll slip out before the encore and head backstage. I have a couple passes. I told Adam I was bringing my new boyfriend.” Sutan chuckled. “When in fact I decided to bring my life partner.” Sutan reached over and grabbed Tommy’s hand and squeezed it. 

Tommy felt better. He felt like he’d made the right choice in coming here. He had needed this, to go through these emotions with Adam’s new music, to accept the past and put it behind him. Standing here in the midst of all of these fans felt like a new beginning. No matter what the rest of the night was going to bring, he intended to hold onto that. 

The music changed, turning into something darker and Tommy watched the stage, waiting for Adam to reappear. The lights dimmed a fraction when Adam sauntered onto the stage, still wearing the same outfit. 

“Hi guys.” The crowd went nuts. “Now this next song is very personal to me. It was the last track I wrote for Underneath. I wrote it about a personal relationship, but I’m sure you’ve all had that one person in your life that you loved so much even though things were toxic. You knew you needed to get away from them, but for whatever reason you just kept going back. You know the one I’m talking about. That ex that had a chokehold on you.” 

The music stepped up a notch, powerful and moody. Adam’s voice soared. It was a story of pain and heartache; it was their story. Tommy had known that he’d hurt Adam, but hearing it like this was something else entirely. The music and lyrics were beautiful, but it was agony listening to how much he’d damaged the one person he’d loved the most. Tears streamed down his cheeks unchecked as he remembered how many times Adam had hesitated before letting him in, before all the hurt and pain. He loved me, Tommy thought, and I used him. Yes, it was painful to hear those words, but it snapped something inside his brain. It was like a rubber band to the wrist, sudden and painful. Months of therapy hadn’t gotten him there, but with this song and those lyrics, Tommy finally got it. He understood just how much he’d hurt Adam.

A bomb blasted in his head, and Tommy knew that he’d been in the wrong. He owed Adam a real, in person, apology. 

Admitting this, knowing this, made his path clearer. When the tears slowed, the knot inside his chest finally released, and he could breathe again. For the first time since Amsterdam, the oxygen felt alive in his lungs. After the show he would go backstage and hug Adam, and maybe they could forget the past and rekindle the friendship that had brought them together. Most of all he felt a sense of hope, even though he never really believed that hope changed anything. Maybe tonight would be different.

… 

It had been nearly a year since Adam had invited Sauli to visit for the first time. Since then Adam had gone to Finland and Sauli had visited LA several more times. In time, their relationship had changed, they’d become much closer and a few months ago Adam had taken the step and asked Sauli to move in. It seemed like the best option for them since Sauli had been hired to do a show in LA and they had been officially dating since January. 

Sauli had been so supportive and Adam had realized that he was falling for him. It had been scary in the beginning. He had been scared to open himself up to someone again. But that boy just had a way of working himself into Adam’s heart without even trying. Adam smiled at the thought as he sat in Amelia’s office. 

He hadn’t seen Amelia in almost two months, right around the time that Sauli moved in. He’d found he needed her less and less, and he wasn’t actually sure why he was here today. Maybe it was the comfort of having someone to talk to outside of his life or maybe it was just a habit, because he couldn’t imagine not seeing her again. She’d been instrumental in helping him getting his life back on track and he didn’t think he was ready to let her go just yet. 

When she called him inside, he sat down and talked about how happy he was that Sauli had moved in and how excited he was about being back home. The touring had been crazy so far and it was nice being close enough to home to actually sleep in his bed at night. It was even nicer not sleeping alone. So far the paps had caught them out together here and there, but it wasn’t often enough that they appeared anything more than friends. Tonight at the Fantasy Springs show, however, he was going to announce it to the fans. 

After all, Sauli had been the inspiration for Broken English. Adam hadn’t known what it meant at the time, still too hung up on the past to realize that the seed had already been planted in his mind: he’d wanted to move on and had been incredibly attracted to Sauli even then. He just hadn’t wanted to admit it. He didn’t really grasp it until he’d been in this very office almost a year ago, talking to Amelia about writing Chokehold and inviting Sauli to LA. In hindsight, it was pretty obvious. 

Amelia looked at him, her smile warm when she nudged her new glasses back up her nose. 

“Things seem to be going well with you,” she observed.

Things were well and in a few hours he’d be jumping into his car with Sauli and driving out to Indio. Fantasy Springs held a lot of good memories for him and he was going to add another one to it. 

After he finally talked himself out, Amelia shook his hand as she always did at the end of the session, and told him to give her a call whenever he wanted to set up his next appointment. Adam had a feeling that it might be a while. 

-

Adam stepped off the stage and grabbed the towel one of the stage hands gave him. He was hot, but he felt good. The fans were having a great time tonight and so was he. He downed another bottle of water and made a hasty trip to the bathroom, and then it was time to get back into it. 

Chokehold always evoked such emotion when he sang it, but he’d had to put it into the set. When he looked out at the fans, he knew they knew it was coming and so he talked about the song and why he wrote it. Then the lyrics spilled out of him, each one seared into his mind along with the memories of each time he so desperately wished he’d had the willpower to tell Tommy no. When it was over he felt drained in a way only that song could leave him feeling. It was like he poured every last part of himself into it. 

But now was the moment he’d been waiting for all night. For several minutes he bantered with the fans, giving the band a minute to walk offstage if needed. When everyone returned he took a deep breath; tonight he was going to make his new relationship known. 

“So, I wanted to perform this little song I wrote. It’s about how sometimes words are overrated and it’s easier just to let your body do the talking.”

The crowd’s screams made his ears ring, but it felt good. He laughed into the microphone and blew a kiss in the general direction of where he knew Sauli was sitting. The crowd didn’t die down until the music started and then he sang, his heart feeling full and his energy renewed. He was the luckiest man in the world.

The set continued with If I Had You and they took a break to introduce the band. The only one left from his Glam Nation band was Isaac. He smiled when Isaac twirled his drumsticks and gave him a huge grin. The fans didn’t seem as enthusiastic about the rest of the band anymore though, and Adam felt a gaping hole in his heart when he introduced his new bass player, Ashley. It should’ve been Tommy up there. He missed him, missed having that person who always knew what he was thinking. Their friendship had been a rarity, something special. It was something he hoped to get back. With Sauli in his life, Adam finally felt ready to face Tommy again. He had tomorrow off and he was going to make it a point to call Tommy. 

The remainder of the show went off without a hitch. He saw fans wiping at their eyes during Underneath, dancing to Never Close Our Eyes, and lots of smiles while he danced during Cuckoo. The new music had gone over better than he ever expected and he was more than thankful.

They marched offstage and listened to the chants of the fans. The encore was already on the set list and yet people shouted his name over and over. It felt amazing. This was where he belonged, onstage, the fans screaming so loud that he felt it in his bones. 

“Thank you guys for coming out tonight for the World of Truth tour. We figured we’d close the show with a couple songs you might know. This one I want to dedicate to Sauli.” Adam gestured to the area where Sauli was sitting and the lights went up until the spot illuminated him. “Hi baby, this one is for you.” He waved and Sauli blew him a kiss, then the lights went down on the audience and the spot returned to Adam. The smooth sounds of reggae filled the venue. It was a Marley song he’d loved growing up and as he sang, he pushed all of his happiness into it. When it was over they pulled out Whole Lotta Love, nice and slow circa the first Fantasy Springs show. The fans ate it up and when the band took their final bows, Adam felt on top of the world. 

They walked offstage and through the backstage area. When he went past the band’s dressing room, he heard Sutan talking about sneaking backstage before the encore to avoid ‘Adam’s crazy ass fans.’ He stopped and backtracked towards the room, wanting to say hello to his old friend before changing. And there, sitting on the couch beside Sutan, was Tommy. Adam froze in place.

“Surprise,” Tommy said hesitantly. 

“I’m definitely surprised,” Adam said, feeling nervous. 

“Your new music is amazing and…it’s nice to see you happy again.” Tommy took a tentative step toward him. That broke the spell rooting Adam to the floor, and he walked closer until he could pull Tommy into a hug. 

“Thank you… I… I’m sorry about the lyrics,” Adam mumbled into Tommy’s ear. 

“Don’t be,” Tommy whispered. “It’s nothing that wasn’t true. I’m sorry, too. I didn’t realize what I’d really done until tonight and…I’ve really missed you,” he said softly, his voice cracking. 

“Missed you too, and hey, it’s water under the bridge now,” Adam assured him. When Adam pulled away he reached for Tommy’s hand and squeezed it, giving him a smile that he hoped said: all is not forgotten, but I’m ready to move forward. “It’s funny seeing you here though, I was planning to call you tomorrow.”

Tommy finally stepped out of the embrace and smiled. “Yeah, I think we’ve spent too long apart, it’s about time we catch up.” 

While he was sure it wasn’t going to happen overnight, Adam knew that he and Tommy would be friends again. And that made all the hell they’d been through worth it. He watched Isaac introduce Tommy to the band and noticed the look Tommy gave Ashley. Adam laughed to himself; Tommy was always such a flirt. _I hope he does find someone though. He deserves to be happy._

-

Four days later, Adam stroked Sauli's face as they lay in bed, said, "I love you," and felt whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This moment, posting this last chapter, is bittersweet. This journey started in a pizza shop last July with a discussion with Scorp about the bare bones idea of this fic I'd been wanting to write since I first heard Chokehold. From there it blossomed and grew into something I couldn't imagine given my original outline with maybe eight different tour dates listed I wanted to touch on. 
> 
> I want to thank everyone who held my hand and gave me encouragement while writing this. Also most of all to Scorp for her tireless hand holding and beta on this, and to Sage for reading new snippets every step of the way. 
> 
> And an extra special thanks to each of you who took the time to read this massive angsty fic, and all the kind words you all have left me with. I hope the end, while not what most of you hoped for, is satisfying in its own way. 
> 
> Much love to you all and I hope I see some of you at MSG in NY this summer.


End file.
